Then and Now
by Oldest Man
Summary: A look at Caskett then and now.  Chapter 30 is up and I'm done.
1. Now and Then

Juxtaposes events from before and after. Takes place from anniversary of season 3 with a lot of liberties. Somethings never happened. Non-Canon, of course, but the characters take control of the keyboard from time-to-time and voice their own opinions on stuff - especially Lanie and Alexis.

I have no idea where this will end up. The hit ratio determines updates or deletes. No threat just reality. _Tempus fugit._

* * *

><p> <em><span>Then and Now <span>_by Oldest Man  
>Prologue and Chapter 1<p>

May 2014  
>Pre-Trial Conference<br>Law Offices of Davis, Jennings and Turner  
>Monday 9am<p>

"Petitioner, my client wishes to expedite the dissolution of this marriage and agrees to all stipulations as set forth in the filed Petition for Divorce with one minor exception which I'll cover in a moment."

_Her_ lawyer started to say something but his lawyer simply steamrolled over him by slightly raising her voice and directing a glare at the Petitioner.

"My client has liquidated all his assets earned or purchased from the date of his marriage in 2011, and has submitted records to an independent forensic accounting firm that has stipulated that the amounts gained through liquidation and earnings are, in fact, fairly and accurately represented in these", and she opened a leather folder and slid a copy of the Auditor's Report to her lawyer, "documents."

"The amounts earned are shown on lines 3 through 17 and Appendix A lists the sources and dates of said earnings."

Appendix B lists the dates of acquisition and sale of tangible assets from the date of marriage, the original purchase price and the sale price.

_Her_ attorney took the opportunity to interrupt. "Petitioner's entitlements are – "

"IF – I may continue? The total, after taxes, is $37 million dollars. In addition, he gives clear title to the Loft, the deed to, and description of which are in Appendix C and to the house in Easthampton, the deed to, and description of which are in Appendix D."

She started to say that she didn't want the loft or the Hamptons house but again, _his_ attorney simply ignored her interruption and if anything, glared even more contemptuously while her voice hardened.

"Additionally, to further expedite the dissolution, my client has, over our professional objections I might add, prepared this cashier's check," and she again opened the leather folder and removed a photocopy of the check and presented it to the opposing counsel whose eyes glazed over at the thought of his fee, "as settlement."

_His_ attorney looked at the petitioner, the glare never wavering. "My client has given you every single penny he earned during the period of your" and here she snorted in contempt, "marriage, as well as the loft and the house. I have here a Cashiers Check for the amount shown on line 18 of the Auditor's Report."

_Her _attorney started to say something but she interrupted him herself.

"I don't want the damned house. I don't want the damned loft. I don't want the damned money, either. I didn't intend for any of this to happen. I just wanted to get his attention. Can't you understand? He won't talk to me. He won't answer calls, voicemails, emails, he won't - he won't talk about it."

_His_ attorney almost smiled. She reached over and snatched the copy of the Cashier's Check and the Auditor's Report from Petitioner's attorney.

_Her _attorney finally spoke. "Take the money. You've earned every penny of it. Take the properties. He obviously is harboring feelings of guilt for what he did – "

_His_ attorney again cut off hers, earning her a glare from opposing counsel. She didn't care one wit what the douche bag wanted to say. This was her show to run and run it she would.

"Let us address the single stipulation that my client disputes and refutes and finds to be an exception: _that he abandoned Petitioner_."

"HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! None of this is his fault. He tried to explain – but I wouldn't let him and I told him to get out, that I never wanted to see him ever again. This is my fault. This divorce is my fault. _I _broke our vows, not him. I'm to blame."

_His_ attorney was turning mental cartwheels. Respect for the man sitting beside her increased 10-fold. He'd told her exactly what had happened and exactly how she would react and he'd been spot on.

"Petitioner, none of that matters now. It's no longer a question of blame. My client simply wants you to stipulate that he did not abandon you as you state in your Petition for Dissolution. Oh, and that you immediately petition the court to legally revert to your maiden name. Under the circumstances, my client feels that it's only right."

"Rick! Don't you have _anything_ to say? Are you going to let this – this – "

He hadn't said one word since she and her attorney had entered the conference room. He never looked at her or her attorney. He hadn't taken his eyes off a painting on the opposite wall of the room. His face was hard and his lips were compressed in a thin bloodless line. He looked haggard, careworn and tired.

"Are we finished here?" His voice was hard, cold, indifferent, and his attorney, Shelby Turner, wondered what had happened to the warm and gentle man she'd first met the year prior.

"Rick! Please – " Kate stopped when Castle stood, and in doing so uncovered something that his folded hands had hidden during the brief meeting. It was his wedding band.

"Give her the damned check, Shelby, and be done with it. This has dragged on long enough." He walked out, never acknowledging any of the participants but did nod at the stenographer who had taken down the proceedings as dictated by convention and prudence.

Shelby Turner was a good lawyer, an excellent lawyer, and had handled more than 30 high-profile celebrity divorce cases in the five years she'd been with the firm.

She'd never become personally involved in one before. She'd never wanted to slap some sense into the two warring parties and say "Stop! This is wrong! Don't do this!" before.

There was a first time for everything.

"I hope you're satisfied, Mrs. Castle. Oh, here. You can add it to the chain around your neck." She pushed the discarded wedding band across the table towards Kate using the Cashier's Check instead of a finger. She didn't want to touch it.

"We're done here. Justice has been served. Shelby, it was nice seeing you again. Mrs. Castle. I'll file the necessary petition and forms with the Court and the Decree will be issued before the end of the business day. You'll officially be Katherine Beckett again. Congratulations and – "

"Congratulations? You – you asshole!" Kate picked up the check and wedding band and walked out of the conference room.

She had to get back to work.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<br>Homicide Squad Bay

Esposito and Ryan were both at their desks but didn't acknowledge Kate's return although they both sensed she was back.

Neither detective had reason to speak with her until she spoke first. It had become an unwritten rule in the Squad since she'd filed for the divorce. "Thou shall not speak unless spoken to."

Kate sat at her desk and unhooked her necklace and threaded both his and her wedding bands onto it and then refastened it. The necklace didn't comfort her as it did in the past. If anything, the additional weight irritated her.

Her desk phone rang and she answered "Castle" and cringed. Tomorrow she would answer 'Beckett'.

"Kate, it's Lanie. Why are you at work and why is your cell phone turned off? I figured you'd be out celebrating." Kate winced at the sarcasm the last sentence carried.

"I'm at work because it's my job. My cell phone was off because they frown on interruptions when you're ending a marriage. They like it to go nice and smooth and in keeping with their game plan. As for celebrating? I have nothing to celebrate other than a cashier's check I don't deserve and the Easthampton house and the loft I never wanted to take from him. Oh, Lanie, what have I done?"

The tears came, then the sobs, and the two men in the squad bay got up and walked out. Men can't handle tears very well but in this case the two detectives left rather than show that they actually enjoyed her misery.

* * *

><p>Three Years Prior<p>

Castle walked into the Squad Room and smiled a 'good morning' to Esposito and Ryan. Both were on the phone but nodded or grinned in response.

"Good morning, Detective Beckett." He set her coffee near her arm and took a deep draught of his before leaning back and glancing at her.

Roy Montgomery was on a 2-week vacation and Kate had to pick up the slack on reports and bureaucratic bull in his absence. She was deep in the bowels of a Manning Report and barely acknowledged Castle although she did gently move her hand around until it encountered the coffee in its usual place.

"Thanks," she said absently and went back to the report, trying to remember what value went in what field and what some of the abbreviations meant.

"Do you know what day today is, Beckett?"

"Friday. Yesterday was Thursday so today is Friday." She wished he'd just shut up for 5 minutes and let her finish this damned report.

"It's our anniversary. I've been shadowing you for three years."

"Well, don't plan a surprise party or anything. Josh and I have plans for the weekend. Going away." She didn't look up from her paperwork and her tone signaled her indifference.

"I had no such intentions – " but Beckett interrupted him.

"Good, because I have to finish up this damned report. I can't imagine a good reason why you have to be here Castle." She meant this morning since he knew she was going to be swamped in paperwork and they had no cases active for once.

"I've been sitting here trying to come up with a good reason myself."

"Well, great minds travel in the same direction. I've wondered that for a long time and haven't come up with a good reason yet either." She was trying to be funny but was still involved in finishing up the report.

She would have gotten a lesser reaction if she'd slapped him. Her tone of voice, the indifference, really hurt him and he schooled his features and glanced over at Esposito and Ryan hoping neither of them was listening or could see the effect her comment had on him.

They had but didn't show it. They'd been listening and Ryan had seen the look on Castle's face and whispered to Javier, "$20 bucks says he sucks it up and sits. He's so whipped it's pathetic," to which Esposito replied, "He's had it with her. I'll take your money."

Castle drained his coffee and stood up. "Good bye, Detective." He walked quickly away.

"Yeah, Castle. Bye. See ya Monday." She worked on her report, indifferent to his departure. He bored easily and his watching her work creeped her out after a while. And then when she commented on it, he would start touching things on her desk, moving things around. She didn't have time for it today.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<br>Squad Room  
>Monday 9:30am<p>

She looked at her dad's watch for the 10th time since 9 o'clock and sighed. On the one day she could really use her zany partner he decides to be a no-show.

She walked in and got her coffee and felt like the boys were deliberately avoiding any contact with her this morning other than a routine 'Hello' when she first arrived. She pumped the expresso machine and took her wicked brew back to her desk. She needed more than expresso to take her mind off the disaster of a weekend she'd had.

A romantic weekend in the country at some B&B had been in her thoughts. His were a lot different.

Josh had shown up at her apartment dressed in a sports coat with a travel bag and train tickets to Atlantic City. While he waited, looking at his watch every few minutes, she dressed and threw overnight stuff in a bag and they left. He bitched about rushing to catch the train during the entire cab ride and made her feel like it was her fault.

While she planned on the two of them lounging around in bed, savoring each other, he planned on playing blackjack, catching a show and dinner and then getting drunk on free booze and collapsing into bed and falling instantly asleep.

While she planned on soaking in a hot tub and fooling around, he ended up puking all over the bathroom and falling asleep in the tub.

The train ride back had been tense and almost wordless. She had never been quite so angry with him and when he had the cab drop her off at her place and then continue on to his so that he could sleep and pack for a month in Haiti, she'd really gotten angry.

She was still mad Monday morning although she tried to hide it.

"Esposito, did Castle call in?"

"Nope."

"Oh, okay." The look she got from Esposito would have triggered something in her mind if she hadn't been replaying the weekend in her mind. She needed to dump Josh before she killed him. Their relationship was all about what he wanted to do and very little to do with her wants or needs.

His idea of sex was a movie, _Fast and Furious_, occasionally followed by _Fast and Furious 2,_ but not all that often. Josh was great to look at and in public they looked like the perfect couple but in private, her needs and desires were a weak second. She hadn't enjoyed being screwed when she'd fantasized about being made love to.

She finished her expresso and glanced at her watch again.

"Esposito, are you sure Castle didn't call in?" He looked at her and shook his head. He'd already collected his $20 from Ryan and would be on his way to Lanie's morgue to take his name out of the pot and reclaim his money in a few minutes. Castle & Beckett – no way, not now.

Kate went back to her desk and debated calling Castle and making sure nothing was wrong with him or his family but put it off to finish another damned report. She had no idea how the Captain got anything done with all the crap he had to do that was not really related to finding murderers.

* * *

><p>Esposito went into the break room and called Lanie at the Morgue and invited her to lunch. Actually, he wanted an excuse to bring up the pool and cancel out on it. He would rather have $500 in his pocket now than have it sit in Lanie's safe waiting for something that he knew would never happen.<p>

Morgue  
>Lanie's Office<p>

"So, Javier, you want out of the pool? Why?" She knew something was up and Esposito was known for his awesome abilities to slip out of bets just before he would have lost.

"Castle left on Friday. Said 'Goodbye, Detective' and left. He didn't come in this morning or call in either. Beckett's oblivious to what she's done and I don't see any point in letting my money sit around when I can take my best girl to Atlantic City and have a nice weekend."

"Are you asking me to go to AC with you for the weekend?" She arched one eyebrow and put a hand on her hip daring him to answer.

"Yeah, I guess I am. So, you wanna go with me?"

"Hell, yeah!" She looked around the office and then sat in Javier's lap and hung a long sweet kiss on him. "We'll both take out money out. No sense letting in stay in there when we got slots and poker games to spend it on."

* * *

><p>Morgue<p>

Esposito dropped her off after lunch and she called Beckett to get the dope on the 'breakup'.

"Beckett."

"How you doin'? What did he say? What did _you_ say?"

"Doing fine, Lanie. Josh didn't say much at all this weekend. Instead of the B&B I'd imagined when he said 'romantic weekend' we ended up in Atlantic City. He had the entire weekend planned out, gamble, catch a show, drink, screw me in 11 minutes flat including foreplay, then pass out, get up the next morning, another morning's worth of 10 minute passion then off to the tables, lunch, then a quiet train-ride back to New York. He's off to Haiti or someplace else for a month. Told me when he dumped me off at my place without so much as a kiss. He's history. So, got your fix of _'Beckett does Temptation Lane'_?"

Lanie paused for about 30 seconds and then almost whispered, "I meant Castle. How you handlin' him being gone and all? You do know Friday was your anniversary of sorts? The third."

"Castle? Gone? He's just – " She was confused. She'd missed something. Something important on Friday apparently.

"Oh, Kate. You're such a fool. Sit down and I'll fill you in since apparently you had your head so far up your butt that you couldn't hear what the man said and what he meant. 'Course the important part is what you said and what he heard – and what he did next."

* * *

><p>AN: Next, if there is a next, I will cover ancient history and modern times. Alexis appears as a catalyst in both but sadly, while Martha is in the historical rendering, she's gone to the big theater in the sky in modern times.


	2. No Place Like Homeless

Thank you for all the reviews and alerts and PMs. I'm glad this will get a chance to breathe and develop into something you'll enjoy reading and maybe think a bit.

Alexis plays a pivotal role in this chapter and in the next. Losing 3 'mothers' in the space of 18 months has taken its toll and has her father's steadily worsening depression. The Turner character is explained as many of you think she's a 'love interest'. The juxtapositioning of Then (the show's timeline with liberties) and Now (the future) compares reactions, responses and attitudes.

Just to give you something to ruminate on: In a Spanish town no man shaves himself, no man has a beard and the barber, a resident, shaves everyone. Who shaves the barber? 1st right guess gets a weekend in Marfa Texas, 2nd right guess has to stay for a week.

Thanks again for reading and commenting and alerting. Somehow, posting at midnight seems appropriate.

OM

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><p><em><span>Then and Now<span>_by Oldest Man

Chapter 2

May 2014  
>Beckett's Loft<p>

Kate pushed herself off the rear wall of the elevator when it reached her floor and walked out into the corridor fumbling in her purse for her new keys. The doorman had stopped her and handed her a small manila envelope that contained 3 sets of keys.

Apparently her attorney, 'Carvin' Marvin' Lavitski, had had the locks changed. The ink wasn't even dry on the Decree and he'd built even more barriers between her and the people she loved.

"Mom!" She looked up startled and saw her daughter, step-daughter, ex-step-daughter, walking towards her with tears running down her cheeks. She looked like a redheaded Nicole Kidman and Kate felt her heart break a little more at the look on her face.

"Alexis! Why didn't you ask Frank to let you in?" She could see the 21-year old's luggage sitting beside the door.

"That didn't work. Frank told me he couldn't let me in since technically I don't live here anymore. I'm lucky he didn't put me out on the curb like a trash bin."

"Alexis Castle, you'll always have a home here, you know that, don't you? I love you like you were my own and – "

"But I'm not. I'm not your own. I'm not even related to you anymore. Why? Why did you do this? Why did you let this go so far?"

"Alexis, baby, it's not easy to explain. Your father and I – "

"Don't. Just don't." She held her hand up to Kate, palm up. "He mourned with you when you lost the baby. He mourned another man's child as if it were his own. And then when – never mind. I just came to pick up a few things from my room. I'm sure he'll make arrangements to have my stuff out of here as soon as he can."

"He won't talk to me. He hasn't said one word to me since the fight when I told him to leave and that I never wanted to see him ever again. I was so angry and so hurt – "

"_HURT?_ You didn't even give him a chance to explain. You leaped to a conclusion and acted upon it in the total absence of evidence – so unlike Detective Beckett – and you were _wrong, _weren't you?"

"Lexie, you don't understand. You don't have the same context I had. All the signs were there. All the late dinners, the sudden trips to places for 'research', the time he spent with _her _– "

"He told me that you never gave him a chance to provide you with the 'correct context'. You just ran out and found someone to make him hurt just like you did. Well, congratulations, Kate. You were successful. You hurt him. You damned near – never mind. He's no longer your concern. He's all I have left now. I'm all he has left. We'll take care of each other. We're all we ever needed."

"Lex, would you please just stop yelling and sit down so we can discuss this? I know what I did was stupid and wrong and – "

"I can't. He shouldn't be alone right now. Ms. Turner has a life and I can't expect her to baby sit a 44 year old man. I'll just run up and grab the stuff I need and I'll be out of your hair."

Alexis was gone less than 5 minutes and when she reappeared she made a production out of showing what she'd retrieved.

"Alexis Castle, this will always be your home. I'll always be 'Kate' to you. Nothing will ever change that. If you need anything at all, ever, all you have to do is call and it's yours."

"I can't be bought. I have my Dad to thank for my integrity. I can, however, hate. My Mom and Gina taught me well. Good bye."

"Alexis, please, I need to talk to him. I just need a few minutes and we can make this right again. I need him, Alexis. I miss him so much. Even when I thought he was with _her_, I never stopped loving him."

She was her father's daughter. She fixed her eyes on the door and left a place she'd called home for almost her entire life. If Kate had seen the look on her stepdaughter's face she would see the look her husband had when he left the conference room earlier in the morning.

For the second time that day Kate watched as someone she loved left her in emotional shambles.

'_I made a mistake. God forgive me, I made a mistake. How can I make this right if he won't talk to me?'_

* * *

><p>Three Years Prior<p>

"Shit. Lanie I was busy. I'm buried in the Captain's paperwork and you know how I focus. I didn't really hear him, wasn't really paying any attention to him."

"Well, he sure as hell paid attention to what _you_ said and how you said it. Javier said he looked like you'd punched him with your comment and when he said 'Good bye, Detective' and left, you just said something vague and well, y'know how you are."

"Well, I'm sure he'll be back here tomorrow or the next day after he's had the chance to lick his wounds and process what was said. Really, he wouldn't leave without saying more. He's a writer, for God's sake, Lanie, and he would never miss the opportunity to be dramatic about something like leaving me."

Esposito walked over and nudged her. "Boss, we got a body. Just around the corner. Ryan and I are on the way. Don't be too long."

"Lanie, we've got a body and I have to go. I'm sure he'll be back. He needs his muse like I need coffee."

"Did you just refer to yourself as Castle's 'muse'? Maybe I was premature in pulling out my bet – crap. I gotta go. Got a body, too."

"What bet? Lanie? Damn it!"

* * *

><p>Castle's Loft<p>

He sat at his desk and looked at the cursor mock him. Blink. Blink. Blink. Loser. Loser. Loser.

He slammed the lid down harder than he should have and almost threw the computer at the wall in frustration. When he finally admitted the truth, that he was once again blocked from whatever portion of his brain housed his 'creative genius', he walked over and locked his study door, walked to a spot behind his desk and then got on his knees and pulled up a section of the carpet.

Castle had once lost an entire novel because a hard drive had burned out on him and so he had become fanatical about backing up data first onto floppies but then onto zip drives and finally flash drives as technologies advanced.

He had a floor safe installed for storing his backup drives and after going through the 'song' he remembered the combination and opened the plug door. He took out three large-capacity flash drives and replaced the plug, reset the combination and pulled the carpet back into place.

He looked at the drive labels proclaiming, in his cramped script, _Federal Heat,__Heat Stroke _and _In Heat. _He wrote the last title in a fit of anger. It was right after she'd put Doctor Leather Pants Motorcycle Boy on display at the Precinct.

He picked up the phone and dialed a number he rarely used because he hated the woman who might answer the call.

"This is Gina Cowan."

"Hey, it's Rick Castle. I got a finished Nikki Heat for you. If you're in, I'll drop it by. Otherwise I'll messenger it over. It's too big for email and I don't trust your file server after what happened before."

"Okay! I'll be in the office in a half hour. This is so unexpected. You wrote a Nikki Heat novel without even sending me chapters to aggravate me? How totally unlike you, Richard."

"Well, I'd written most of the scenes in bits and pieces as inspiration struck and then I just linked them all together and realized I was done."

"Well, however you did it, it's wonderful timing. I can get it edited and in print for the summer release if there's not too much crap to rewrite." She also edited his stuff as well as published it.

"I might have surprised you this time, Gina. I used spell checker and paid attention to the suggestions. I even used the Thesaurus to find simpler words."

"Rick, that was cruel. The majority of your readers are highly educated professionals who need an escape from the tensions of their day-to-day lives and plunge into your novels."

"I meant that it should make editing easier since you won't have to waste time looking up definitions."

"Bastard! And here I was thinking that maybe you'd matured into the kind of writer I know you're capable of becoming. Why don't you come by. We'll have a celebratory drink and we can catch up."

"Fine. See you in an hour." _'That went a helluva lot easier than I thought it would. Maybe life's cutting me some slack?'_

* * *

><p>Black Pawn Publishing<br>Office of Gina Cowan

"Well, Ricky, it's certainly pithy. I don't know what's gotten into you lately but I hope it stays. This is good. Really good. I was right, y'know. You do have the potential to be an amazing writer – and not just of fiction. I could see you doing an investigative piece on say, Medicare Fraud, Identity Theft, something you could sink your teeth into and really do the public some good as well. Hell, Rick, with your looks and charm, you could even end up with your own TV series."

"_CIA Experiments on Innocent Americans_ - with you as Executive Producer, of course?"

"Well, a girl's gotta look out for number one."

She mentally cringed when she said it. It was the exact same phrase she'd used when they'd had their last knock-down-drag-out before the divorce. She'd been fooling around with another author and it had gotten out of hand. Her boy-toy had actually confronted Rick in public and basically called him a dickless wonder who couldn't satisfy a real woman. Oh, yeah. A real rat-screw.

For her it was a mere dalliance. For Rick it had been betrayal and he'd never forgiven her. He'd tried to have her replaced as his editor but she had enough pull at the Black Pawn to nip his move in the bud. He'd tried to break his contract but it was iron clad and so they'd established an uneasy post-divorce working relationship that seemed to heat up in the previous summer only to fizzle out in the fall.

"Let's just get the book published in time for the run and we'll consider other options in the future."

She stopped for a moment and then said, "There's no dedication, no gushing love-bite for the Muse?"

"No. That's a no-starter. She's got someone else and I've quit shadowing her. I've got enough research to finish at least another two novels. If you feel it's 'incomplete' without a dedication, make something up. I don't care."

"So what are your plans for the next few months?" She already had a dedication in mind: _'To Gina - the woman who made me forget Nikki Heat.' That would start a Page Six buzz and make the fans' imaginations go into hyperdrive. _

"Going to spend some time on the cat, why?"

"I'm thinking a tour of the Pacific Islands and New Zealand and Australia. Your books sell well there but a visit from the author and the publicity would send sales skyrocketing. If we run it right, we can even release this one in Australia."

"Gina, would you come along – for moral support?"

"Anything you need, Rick, anything at all." Her mind was flying through details and one of them was how nice he'd look with her wrapped around him on some magazine cover. The subsequent release in New York would make them both rich and maybe light the fire under their relationship. For all her claims to the contrary, she was still in love with her ex-husband.

* * *

><p>May 2014<br>Beckett's Loft

Kate climbed out of the tub and sighed, wrapping herself in a towel and finishing her wine.

She quickly realized that she couldn't find solace in her usual way. She couldn't pull out a Derrick Storm novel and lose herself in another reality like she had after her mother's death. The words no longer flowed from her mother's mouth. Instead she could hear Rick's voice and see his animated face as he read the dialogue and prose to her.

No. She'd have to face up to what she'd done and figure out how to make it right. She was a detective and she needed to treat the situation before her as if it were a crime.

It was a crime, really. She'd murdered her marriage, confessed her guilt at the Pre-Trial Conference and been sentenced to being Richard Castle's 3rd ex-wife.


	3. Redheaded Harpy Arrives

Thank you all 227 of you for your continued interest. Watch the dates. Lot happening in the next few chapter.

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now <span>_by Oldest Man

Chapter 3  
>May 2014<br>New York Yacht Club

The cab pulled up to the 'Members Entrance' and Alexis swiped her card and paid the fare adding a tip as usual.

She quickly made her way to the floating dock where her dad's beloved catamaran was berthed. He'd bought it on a whim when Gina told him she got seasick easily and used it as a refuge of sorts during the dark days of failed marriage #2. As far as she knew, Kate didn't know about it. It wasn't a secret. He just didn't have a reason to spend time on it when he had Kate and probably forgot about it.

Alexis found the '_Fickle Muse' _easily and called out 'Permission to come aboard' and Shelby Turner laughed and beckoned her on board.

"Shel, is that what I think it is?" She was eyeing the thing in her dad's lawyer/friend's hand.

"Yep. Want a drag?" Tobacco was illegal in New York and Alexis had been a smoker since, well, since it became illegal. There was something wicked in lighting up and blowing smoke in the face of the Establishment.

"Oh, God, yes! I had to swing by the loft to pick up some papers and my mom – I guess I can't call her that anymore, can I? She's had the locks changed already. My key wouldn't work and so I had to wait for her and we – we had words, harsh words and I kinda told her off."

"That's 'Carvin' Marvin's handiwork. He throws a wall around his newly-divorced clients to 'protect' them from any reconciliation. He's really protecting his fees, the bastard. So, Kate's okay?"

"She's upset. Says Dad won't talk to her. That's when it got ugly. Look, I'm sure you have other things to do and I do appreciate you hanging around until I could get here. How's the little one? She's what, eight months old now?"

"Yep. Takes after her father. Loves these." She pointed to her breasts. She needed to use the breast pump badly and she was starting to ache. She looked at her 'once in a blue moon' cigarette and sighed. She shouldn't have smoked this one but today had been a real drain on her. It was the first one since her pregnancy had been confirmed. Her husband had quit the same day.

"Too much information! I'd better get below and check on him. He probably hasn't eaten anything and if I know him, he's sitting there eyeballing a bottle of booze and thinking about all the reasons why sobriety is a bad idea."

"Hey, he's only had wine with meals that I know of. He's stronger than you think. You should have seen him at the Pre-Trial Conference. He was dying on the inside but was so strong and resolute on the outside. Y'know he'd have won in court. Would have saved him a lot on money."

"He loves her. I'm surprised he didn't give her the _Muse_, too."

"I talked him out of that. Lexie, I got to go. I'm only a phone call away. Cut him some slack. He's hurting and dealing with it the only way he knows how. He's retreated inside. It's probably not as bad as when his mom died but it's definitely as bad as when your mom passed. He loves too deeply, too completely. When someone he loves dies, he does, too. Let him mourn in his own way. Isn't that what you told me?"

"I got a big mouth. I'll keep in touch. I think he's going to want to go 'out there' for a while. Good thing I brought my sunscreen."

Shelby's cell chirped and she sighed and showed Alexis the display.

"_She's_ calling you? I don't – "

"Second time since you left the Loft. I won't take her call though. It's unethical. Rick's my client but he's also my friend. If I thought letting her know where he was would help your dad, I'd break canon in a second but it won't. She's going to have to come to grips with what she's done and live with it. Maybe things will work themselves out in the future. If any two people love each other it's Kate and your dad."

Alexis just grunted, hugged her friend, took a last hit off the cigarette and went below. Her father might love Kate Beckett but she was no damned good for him. Sure, her dad had handled the situation with Meredith badly but he'd given her his word, his promise, to keep her secret and he'd done so even knowing he might have to pay a terrible price.

* * *

><p>She walked down into the enclosed salon. "Hey, Daddy, I'm here and everything's going to be okay now." It was all she could do not to run to him and throw her arms around him and bawl like a baby. He looked – old and broken.<p>

"You cut your hair! I like it. Does Joe? How're things with the Mad Scientist?" Even dying on the inside he tried to make her feel better and laugh.

"He's okay with it. Says it's my hair and I can do what I want with it. That's what he says. What he thinks, that's probably a whole 'nuther thing."

"And how are things going between you two?" He knew his daughter had heard him the first time he asked.

"Dad, he's okay. He's really busy finishing up his research project and his grant application. He's the youngest PhD on the team and he's busy, busy, busy. We're kinda taking a break."

"And that's coincidental, right? Y'know I love you, Alexis, but you have your own life. Just because I've screwed mine up so badly is no reason for you to put yours on hold. Go home. He loves you and probably feels abandoned."

"We talked. He understands. Dad, you've lost three women that you loved in the space of eighteen months. That's a horrible thing to have to endure alone."

"Kate's not dead, Alexis. She's still there for you. She's just 'unavailable' to me; I'll survive. I don't know how or even why, but I will."

He realized that he was talking to his daughter, not some stranger and he remembered that she'd lost three women she'd loved in the space of 18 months. She needed to be with Joe. He would fix her and keep her safe.

"You should go home."

"I am home."

"You know what I meant. I want you to spend a day or two here and keep me grounded until I can adjust more but then, first the in the morning on Day 3, you're on the plane and home to your guy, agreed?"

"Daddy, no. You need – "

"I need you to be happy, Pumpkin. That's all I need. Now, go unpack your things. I'm in the smaller stateroom. I know how you don't like tight spaces so I took the one under the bow. Go, unpack, take a bath and then I'll make us some S'mores and we'll have a talk, okay?"

* * *

><p>Castle's Loft<br>3 years ago

Beckett was nervous. This was not something she did. She did not apologize. She rarely worried about other people's feelings. She never felt the need to emotionally connect with a man she had no real interest in and yet here she was, getting ready to apologize to Castle for hurting his feelings, for denying what she felt and getting ready to tell him she was willing to risk it all with him.

She rang the bell and waited. Now she knew how the condemned felt under the hood, waiting for the executioner to drop the trap door and snap their neck.

Her breath was coming in short pants and she could feel that her deodorant wasn't performing as advertised. There were little beads of sweat forming on her upper lip and her palms were so damp that she felt the overpowering need to wipe them off on her pants legs.

"Detective, how nice to see you, Darling! Richard will be so upset that he missed you." The look in Martha's eyes troubled Kate. It was the look of a mother bear evaluating the threat to her cub.

"Well, um, if he comes back, when he comes back, could you ask him to call me, please?"

"Oh, Detective, he won't be back for quite a while. Gina and Black Pawn have rustled up a book tour for him now that he is no longer shadowing you."

Martha waited a heartbeat for that to sink in and continued.

"Between us, I think it stopped being about the books quite a while ago but something apparently happened between you two and he said he was just getting in the way of things and he wasn't going to be your shadow anymore."

"Oh, well, I see. Okay. Well, it was nice seeing you again, Martha. I'll just go. Say 'hi' to Alexis, would you? I'm sorry I missed her."

"Of course, Detective. Don't be a stranger now."

"Wait! What about Nikki Heat? Is he just going to abandon her? What about his readers?"

"My dear Kate, Richard has just submitted one to Gina, and he has two Heat novels completed and ready for editing that he thinks I don't know about. Gina _definitely_ doesn't know. Surely you didn't think he stayed for any other reason than spending his day with you?"

Kate hadn't really given it any thought at all. Not really. What did that say about her?

"I know my son, Detective. He just made a mistake with you, that's all. He picked the one woman in New York to fall in love with who was already in love with someone else."

She ushered Kate out and closed the door. The microwave timer chimed and she went and retrieved her Lean Cuisine meal that constituted her dinner.

* * *

><p>Kate leaned against the cool metal of the elevator door.<p>

He'd written three novels since the last one? He was off on a book tour because he no longer had any hope?

_'He picked the one woman in New York to fall in love with who was already in love with someone else.'_

And now he was off with _her_, thinking that Kate didn't care at all. He was wrong. She cared. She was just an emotional coward. Castle scared her. He was so intense, so alive, so all-consuming. She was afraid that falling for him would be the end of her and that nothing she was would remain.

* * *

><p>Same deal as last time. OM<p> 


	4. Castle's Fickle Women

Thanks again to the dwindling but still much-appreciated 208 and for all your reviews and PMs.

Here's the deal. I want to give you guys TWO chapters tonight because I'm going to be unavailable for a couple of day beginning Wednesday afternoon. That means you're getting a double whammy and I expect evidence of appreciation or disdain. 7k words.

Now, read, enjoy, think, complain but at least feel something even if it's abject disgust.

OM

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now <span>_by Oldest Man

Chapter 4

'_Fickle Muse'  
><em>New York City Yacht Club  
>May 2014<p>

He couldn't sleep. He was worried about Alexis. She was cocooning herself in his life thinking she had a duty to him. He loved her for that but had to get her out of New York and back to her Joe and Stanford and all the things that made her happy. New York, his situation, him – none of it made her happy.

Okay, he wasn't dumb. He knew that his depression was getting out of hand and that he needed to seek professional help but he had a responsibility to his only child that far outweighed any responsibility he had to himself.

He had two days to convince her to leave on her own or he'd have to pull out the big guns and force her to leave. One way or another, she would be home with Joe who would take care of her but he needed to be sure.

Castle walked barefooted down the companionway and then up onto the weather deck and looked through his contacts and dialed Joe Flynn's number. It wasn't quite midnight in New York and he had to talk to his future son-in-law.

"Mr. Castle? Is everything all right? Is it Lex? What's wrong?"

He liked Joe. He liked the boy's concern for his daughter. He'd take good care of her. He could tell from the panicky sound in his voice.

"Everything's fine - okay, not so fine. Alexis is here with me on the _Muse _and seems to have every intention of staying here. She thinks she needs to take care of me. Nothing could be further from the truth. She says the two of you are 'taking a break'. I don't believe her."

"Look, Mr. Castle, Lex is really torn up about the divorce and her mom. She's been really hard to deal with lately and so when she said she wanted out of our relationship, well, I love her and I tried to reason with her. Have you ever tried to _reason_ with Alexis Castle? So she left me and flew home."

"I thought as much. Look, she'll be back in 3 days, tops. Joe, you promise me you'll look after my little girl, okay? You promise me, Joe. I can't send her back if you're just going to break it off with her to get revenge."

"Damn it, I love her, okay. I want to marry her someday. I miss her so damned much but she has this streak of family loyalty – "

"Three days, I promise. Just don't baby her. You can love her without treating her like she's fragile. She'll need your strength in the short term, that's all. Trust me, she'll bounce back. She's all yours now. I got to go. I hear the _unreasonable _redheaded harpy on the prowl."

He disconnected, satisfied that Joe Flynn would take care of his little girl and that no matter what happened, she'd be okay.

* * *

><p>"Who was that on the phone?" She was afraid he'd taken a call from Kate.<p>

"I had to call someone to verify some information. No big thing, Pumpkin. You were supposed to shower and then we'd talk."

"I fell asleep. Dad, who were you talking to? No, Dad, you didn't take _her_ call, did you?"

"If you mean, Kate, no. I – I called Joe. We talked. I told him you'd be home in 3 days. He's worried and he misses you. He's good for you, Alexis. And you're good for him. You don't have to lie to be here but you do have to face the truth. It's going to take some time to adjust to all this. I'm going to go on tour with Gina and the rest of her ghouls or I'm going to sail down to Miami or the Keys. Either way, you have to go home."

"I don't have a home. The loft, the house on the Island, they're all gone now. You lost them to _her_."

"Hey, I made the decision to give those things to her. I love Kate and I don't want her to need a damned thing just because I won't be in her life anymore. She made her decisions and she's going to learn to live with them just like I live with the consequences of mine. And _she_ has a name: Kate. Use it."

"Fine. There's no dealing with you when you're in one of your moods. You're depressed and you're not thinking rationally. You need to see someone, Dad, not go on tour with Gina or go sailing alone down the coast. Those are just things to do to avoid thinking about what's happened."

"And you think talking to someone about these problems is really going to help me? Alexis, throw away the psych books because they're so full of crap. I have a problem. I love my wife but she threw me out. I had a conflict that couldn't be resolved. I couldn't break my word to your mother and I couldn't tell my wife the truth and she reacted like a scorned woman. Figure it out. That's the problem. Figuring it out."

"But Dad – "

"We're done talking about this. You are going home and that's the final word. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, yours is in California with the Mad Scientist."

She knew she was beaten. He didn't fight fair when he dragged out Joe and her mother. He played on her weaknesses and fears and he won.

"Okay. I'll go home day after tomorrow. Satisfied?"

"Yep. Just don't get any tattoos."

"Ah, about that – "

"Alexis Castle, no! You didn't?"

"Well, _she_ has one!"

* * *

><p>Hilton Hotel<br>Sydney, Australia  
>3 years ago<p>

Gina knocked at Castle's bedroom door and then slipped inside the darkened room. Their body clocks were all screwed up and while it was noon in Sydney, their bodies said 'no it isn't, go to sleep'. All that sleep on the plane didn't help, either.

"Rick, move over. I can't sleep and I figure since you're sleeping maybe it's contagious." She pulled back the covers and slipped in between the sheet and curled up against him

"Gina, you have your own room. This suite has two bedrooms and three bathrooms. You should have brought a teddy bear or something."

"I did bring my teddy bear – you. Since you're awake, we can go over the schedule of appearances." She turned on the lamp beside the bed and sat up. The sheet dropped and Castle saw that she was naked.

"Gina, you play dirty. This is so damned unfair. You know – "

"I play to win, Ricky. Now, first thing in the morning, tomorrow morning, you have a 10-minute spot on 'Sydney A.M.' and then we'll grab breakfast with some publishers Black Pawn has agreements with and then you have interviews with the press and the rest of the week is public appearances and book signings and readings. Then next week we have an afternoon spot for about 20-minutes on some Oprah-wannabee. It's on cable but it's the highest rated in Sydney. Then we're off to Christchurch and – "

"Is this all written down somewhere?"

"Yeah. Of course."

"Then shut up, turn off the lamp and help me get on with my life."

* * *

><p>New York City<br>3 Years Ago

She went through the motions, doing her job as a way of keeping her mind occupied so she wouldn't have to deal with 'personal issues'. She worked longer hours than usual and her relationship with her peers wasn't anything like it had been.

Without Castle the time seemed to drag when they didn't have a body. Without Castle she whipped through her paperwork in no time but then had to deal with the clock that seemed to go slower and slower every day.

She worked out in the Precinct gym, taking out her frustrations and anger at the world on the heavy bag and any of her peers who felt like sparring. The word soon trickled down through the roster that sparring with Beckett was like 'dancing with a pissed off bear' so soon she didn't even have that distraction.

She and Martha talked occasionally. She found idiotic reasons to call her and the conversation always worked itself around to 'How is Castle doing?'.

* * *

><p>Beckett's Apartment<br>9pm

Martha called her at home just as she was getting in from work. It was a little past 9pm. Castle had been on tour almost three weeks and his cell phone – well, he wasn't answering calls or texts – at least not from her.

"Kate, there's an interview online where Richard's introducing _Federal__Heat_ on Australian TV. It's a few days old but you might find it interesting."

She gave her the web address and then chatted for a few minutes but then Kate's dinner was delivered so Martha rang off.

Kate spooned out Kung Pao chicken, rice and her two egg rolls on a plate and grabbed a Diet Coke from the fridge while her laptop booted up.

She typed in the web address, had a typo and one-fingered the entry as she ate her dinner. The last time she'd had Kung Pao chicken had been a few days before she'd inadvertently run Castle off. It seemed to have lost some of its taste – at least it had a decidedly different taste.

The page loaded and she found herself looking at the home page for an Australian Cable TV network but from the looks of the ads and topics on the sidebars it ran heavily towards sensationalism.

She looked down at the various URL links for shows and found 'Castle Interview Part 1' and clicked on it. The show's stage looked like Leno or Conan but the host was a scantily-clad blonde woman of about 25 who gave credibility to the adage that 'Blondes have more fun'.

Kate almost choked on her chicken when the blonde introduced her self as 'Bambi Lovett'; she swore the girl said 'Loves It'.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Rather than throw a lot of clunky words, I'll stick with the transcript. Beckett's thoughts are in **_**italics.**_

* * *

><p>Bambi: Ladies and gents, we have with us today Richard Castle [applause drowns out words]. He's come all the way from New York down here to Oz to introduce a new future best seller – <em><span>Federal<span>_ _Heat_.

'_So that's where you're hiding? Australia? Could you get any further away from me?'_

Castle: Thanks. It's great to be in Australia although I thought they spoke English here? [laughter].

_He looks so tired. He needs to take better care of himself. He looks like he's burning the candle at both ends. But even tired he looks damned good!_

Bambi: We do. It's you Yanks that butcher the Queen's English. Thank God we read the same language though. Now, tell us all about Nikki Heat, Rick. Is she real? Or is she something you conjure up when you want some 'alone time' in the loo? [laughter]

'_What is she talking – oh – my!'_

Castle: Oh, she's real. She's just not Nikki Heat. Nikki's deliberately slutty, uses it to her advantage in interrogations or confrontations. The detective I based the character on is just as beautiful, just as womanly but there it stops. She's smart, articulate, cunning, and dedicated. She's compassionate and caring with the families of the victims but she's heartless when she nails the murderer. They share that, the detective and Nikki, the heartlessness when pursuing the murderers.

Bambi: Sounds like someone's got a crush on this detective. Let's show the viewing audience just who the real life Nikki Heat is. Throw up the photos and we'll let our guest ramble on about his Muse.

_Oh, shit! Where did they get those pictures? I was 20 and modeling for cash. They photo-shopped the damned bikini shot! Was the dress at the launch party really that short? And skimpy?_

Bambi: While our viewers at home and in the studio audience drool over Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD, Rick, tell us about this romance the two of you have. [screen splits with one side showing photos of Kate and Castle together, her with Josh, Kate at the Launch Party, more of Kate with Josh, a clip from Page Six with Josh again.]

_She's sucking him in where he doesn't want to go. I know that look. He's feeling trapped. He can't see what the audience sees._

Castle: There's nothing to tell. It's purely a professional relationship. She's in love with a doctor, a great guy who right now is in Haiti volunteering his time and surgical skills to victims of the earthquake.

_He thinks I'm in love. With Josh. That's why he left. He couldn't find a reason to stay because he thought – Martha was right. _

Bambi: So you two never – [Bambi makes suggestives gesture with her fingers]

Castle: No! She's a one-guy girl. She's always been that way. We were just friends, that's all, never anything more. Just friends and not even close ones at that. Like I said, she's a total professional while on duty and she's almost always working on cases.

_We were more than friends. We were best friends. We were partners! Does he really think he was anything less? Why is he always using the past tense?_

Bambi: About the dedication – it seems like you have someone in your life, too.

Castle: What dedication? There is no dedication. I didn't write one.

Bambi: [rolling her eyes and making idiot noises] Well, someone did! I'm quoting here _'To Gina - the woman who made me forget Nikki Heat.'_

Beckett almost choked on her chicken.

_Castle, how could you! Gina? You – wait, what's he doing?_

Castle: Give me that damned book. There is no dedication. I couldn't write one. [grabs book from Bambi and starts flipping through pages]

Bambi: Ladies and gents! We have a special surprise guest with us – live, here in the studio – the woman who makes men forget Nikki Heat – [dramatic pause – Castle stands]

Castle: Kate? [hesitant smile, audience suddenly quiet]

_No, Rick, it's not me. It's –_

Bambi: …Please give a warm Oz welcome to Gina Cowan! [applause, cat calls]

Castle: What the fuck have you done, Gina? [audience gasps, Bambi grins in delight]

Gina: What had to be done. She never loved you. She didn't even _like_ you. You were the only one who couldn't see it. You were wasting your time, your talents, on someone who loved someone else. It had to be done. It was for your own good, Rick. [end Castle interview part 1]

Kate looked at the frozen image on the screen. Gina looked so satisfied and Castle just looked like someone had punched him – hard. The pain on his face brought tears to her eyes.

Martha's comment flowed unbidden into her mind.

_He picked the one woman in New York to fall in love with who was already in love with someone else._

She dried her eyes on a napkin and clicked on the link for [Castle Interview part 2] and held her breath while the internet made it's connection. She dreaded part 2 but had to see it.


	5. Conditions

Here's the second chapter. I should be out on Friday. Surprise me. This chapter almost brings the 'Then' to a close but not quite. The 'Now' is just starting to get interesting - at least to me anyway.

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now <span>_by Oldest Man

Chapter 5

May 2014  
>12th Precinct<br>Homicide Detectives Squad Bay

She hadn't slept much at all the previous night and felt like crap. She was late and walked into the squad bay and saw that both Esposito and Ryan had their noses in a newspaper.

'_Probably looking at the sports results to see who owed who how much.' _

The boys bet on anything and everything. It was their passion and excuse for witty repartee.

She walked into the break room and drew a cup of expresso and walked back out to her desk.

"Morning, guys. What's got you two so interested in the newspaper?"

She got no response. She just shrugged her shoulders and logged onto the network and began pulling up case files.

She was finally back in the groove and reviewing cold cases looking for some reason to reopen and solve them. As disgraceful as it seemed, she wondered where all the bodies were lately. Things had really been slow.

"Beckett, I'm surprised to see you here. Figured we'd seen the last of you." Detective Angie Wilder, fairly new to Homicide, stood next to her desk and waited for a response.

"I work here, Wilder. Don't you?"

She slapped a folded newspaper down on Kate's keyboard and said, "Waiting for the check to clear?" and waltzed away giving Esposito a high-five as she passed his desk.

Kate started to respond but stopped because she couldn't breathe. It was a picture of Rick in profile with his attorney almost holding him up as he left the Pre-Trial Settlement Conference. He looked – devastated. The caption explained a lot.

"She Cleaned Him Out!"

"Oh, no!" The accompanying article covered his infidelities, his philanderings, how he abandoned her and how she exacted vengeance with the same passion she caught murderers. There was not one single word that described what actually happened in the Pre-Trial Settlement Conference.

There was a picture of Castle with Gina, Castle with Shelby Turner and an old picture of him with Meredith. All had been carefully cropped to hide the backgrounds of the launch party, the contract dispute with Black Pawn and the graveyard where Martha had been interred.

There was a picture of her and Josh, again cropped to hide the 3rd launch party background, and the caption alluded to a 'rekindling of true love'.

By this time she was standing, trying to ignore the comments around her from her own team mates. Her response was to stalk into Roy's office and slam down her badge and gun on his desk and storm out of the squad bay.

Roy Montgomery walked out shaking his head and put Kate's pistol and badge into her open locker and closed it.

"I don't think she'll be back but miracles do happen." He walked back into his office and closed the door.

* * *

><p>Esposito wasted no time in calling Lanie. He figured she'd need a heads' up that Beckett just might be on her way over.<p>

"Hey, babe, it's me. Beckett just resigned after Angie Wilder showed her the Page Six article. She might be on her way over to your place so you might want to make yourself disappear."

"Oh, no. No way. I want to hear every word that comes out her mouth for the last time. Did you read that hit piece they did on Castle? There wasn't one true word in that entire article. Those pictures were doctored and he would never abandon her!"

"Well, do what you want. I just wanted you to be aware that she's on the move. Wilder asked her what she was doing here – 'waiting for the check to clear?' and she lost it."

"I'll call you if something happens but I don't figure she's stupid enough to come 'round my place. Not after the last 'chat' we had."

* * *

><p>'<em>Fickle Muse'<br>_New York City Yacht Club  
>May 2014<p>

Alexis Castle was sound asleep and in the midst of a very interesting dream when her cell phone screeched in her ear.

"This better be good!" She was not a morning person.

"Lex, Shelby Turner. Don't let your dad read the Post, whatever you do. In fact, don't let him read any newspapers or surf the net. The Post ran a hit piece on Rick and I smell 'Carvin' Marvin' at work. I'm filing an injunction on further publication this morning. It's a pack of lies but the damage is done. I'm suing the bastards for fraud and anything else I can find in the statutes. They cropped photos and made allusions to things that are just not true."

"Fine. I'm up and I'll grab everything I – oh, crap!"

"What! Has he seen it yet?"

"I think so. He's talking to a bunch of reporters on the dock. I just looked out the porthole to see what the weather's like and they're standing around with their cameras and tape recorders like a bunch of vultures."

"I'm on my way. Don't get involved but don't ignore a direct confrontation. Just don't do or say anything to make things worse."

"Better hurry. I think Dad's about ready to kill some woman reporter." She hurried to call the Club security and have the scavengers thrown off the docks. They were on private property and trespassing.

"Fifteen minutes. Be at the gate to let me in."

* * *

><p>Law Offices of Marvin Levitski<br>Manhattan

"Mrs. Castle, he's in conference. You can't go in there." The secretary was just doing her job and that's the only reason Kate didn't drop her with a spin kick to the head.

"Open this damned door and stand aside."

"Mrs. Castle – "

"It's Beckett thanks to the asshole you're protecting. You have 5 seconds before I forget you're just doing your job. 4. 3. 2. "

She stepped aside and gestured for Kate to go in. She went to her desk, grabbed her purse and ran out. There was no way she was going to be a witness to a murder.

"I said no inter – oh, Mrs. Castle. What a nice surprise. I'll be done here in a second if you'd just wait outside…"

He had a copy of the hit piece from the Post and he had a legal pad clearly headed 'Castle follow ups' and a rather long list of items.

"You slime! You maggot! You – you – LAWYER!' She steadily advanced on him and he pushed his chair away with his feet but she grabbed the arms and held it fast.

"I know people. I have people who owe me. If one more piece appears in any rag in this town or on the TV or internet that isn't a retraction or clarification, your body won't ever be found. Understand? Tomorrow's newspapers better read a hell of lot differently than today's do. TV too."

She pushed the chair back and laughed when he windmilled his arms to unsuccessfully keep from going over backwards.

"Make it happen. You have less than 24 hours. Use them wisely."

Kate stormed out of the office and went back to the loft. She had to do something to salvage her marriage before Castle did something equally desperate in the other direction. She knew her husband. She knew how he thought and how he valued honor, loyalty and reputation above all else except family.

That's where this mess stemmed from: his sense of honor and loyalty.

* * *

><p>Beckett's Apartment<br>New York City  
>3 Years Ago<p>

She clicked the link for [Castle Interview part 2] and waited for it to load. The chicken was either overcooked or her tastes were changing. It was no longer comfort food.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Rather than throw a lot of clunky words, I'll stick with the transcript. Beckett's thoughts are in **_**italics.**_

* * *

><p>[Castle storms off the set and Gina follows looking worried; the camera and shotgun mic provide a record]<p>

Gina: Rick, wait. You're overreacting. Did you hear the audience? They love it! The book –

Castle: Always the book. What happened to giving a shit about your author? Oh, right. Feed him crap, keep him in the dark, screw his ears off and then repeat as necessary. Well, flash! I quit. You're in breach of contract, Ms. Cowell, and Black Pawn has just lost an author and all those revenues and royalties.

Gina: You weren't complaining last night, Ricky. And I'm not in breach. Think back. You were so pissed at little Miss Perfect that you told me to put in anything I wanted if I felt it was incomplete. Well, I did.

Castle: Verbal changes to contracts do not override written contracts – not in New York. You should have stayed awake in Business Law. Now, unless you want to lose me and the book, here's what's going to happen: every copy will be recovered and, at Black Pawn's expense, that dedication will be removed if you have to tear out the damned page. If any other editions carry it, the same thing goes.

Gina: That will cost us a fortune! We'll get an injunction. We'll sue you for breach and drag it out in court and you'll never publish another piece of your crap ever again! And something else, when you climax in me, quit calling me 'Kate'! Every damned time it's 'Oh, Kate,' or 'I love you, Kate'!

Bambi: [Talking to the audience and still seated at her desk] Oh, that's going to be tough to get by the censors. [laughter and she joins the arguing couple]

Bambi: Why don't you two just come back on stage and talk about this like consenting adults. Lawsuits, Gina? Really. It sounds like you're just jealous that Rick has the hots for a woman who's already taken.

Gina: Shut up! This interview is over. Castle, be at the airport and ready to fly to Christchurch in two hours! I have to call our lawyers! Get out of my way you blonde bitch!

[End Castle Interview part 2]

* * *

><p>Kate was hurt that Castle was sleeping with Gina but realized that she had no cause to be hurt or jealous.<p>

'_He wasn't cheating on me. He didn't know how I felt because I, the big bad fearless cop, had been afraid to tell him.'_

She was pleased that he called out her name when – well, she was pleased, tickled, over the moon. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all?.

Now, all she had to do was get hold of Castle, tell him to come home, and then they could – ugh! Josh! He wouldn't even talk to her about 'them' if he thought Josh was still in the picture.

It was as if Heaven had an ear listening in on her thoughts and her situation; her cell phone rang and it was Josh.

"Hey, Katie, listen, I'm staying down here for another month, maybe two. I can – "

"Josh, shut up and listen to me. This thing we have between us is already stretched to the breaking point and this has pulled it apart. I don't care how long you stay down there and I don't care what you do. We are done. I'm not going to be the one who's always waiting, waiting for someone to come around and complete my world."

"Okay. Are you on something? I mean, I thought we were on the same page. Our jobs are pretty demanding and – "

"Am I on something? Is that what you said? Why? Because I finally figured you out? You like someone warm and compliant when you want them but still want your independence. Well, fine. I hope you find someone out there who fits the bill. I definitely have made the right decision."

She hung up and immediately felt better, lighter, and then she rushed to the bathroom and got rid of her dinner. She wrote a big red line through her mental menu – Kung Pao was off the list.

She brushed her teeth and used mouthwash and then went in to watch the 2nd part of the interview again. She had a better idea and grabbed her cell.

"Alexis, this is Kate Beckett. I need to talk to your dad and it's really important. We had an argument about nothing at all because I wasn't listening and well, I really need to talk to him. Can you ask him to call me? It doesn't matter when, I just need to talk to him. And tell Martha that she's about as subtle as diarrhea. Yeah, that's what I said - diarrhea."

* * *

><p>She'd just fallen asleep after another round of dry heaves when her cell phone played Castle's ring tone that he programmed in one day when she wasn't looking.<p>

"Castle, is that you?" She sounded desperate and that's the last thing she wanted to convey. She kicked her mental ass for being so – girly.

_Suck it up, treat it like an investigation – a first questioning session. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to. Don't ask questions you don't already know the answers to._

"Yeah, it's me. Alexis called and said you needed to talk to me right away. Is it a case?"

"No. It's not a case." She couldn't think of a thing to say. _'Castle, I want to try being a couple, will you come home?' 'Castle, Josh and I are through. Do you want to try and – '_

"Detective? Still there?"

"No, not 'detective'. Not tonight."

"Oh – Kay. You called me."

"No, I didn't. I wanted to call you but I had no idea where you were or who you were with and I didn't want to interrupt anything related to the book tour."

"You're splitting hairs. What do you want?" His voice wasn't harsh at all but very gentle, oozing patience and understanding even without knowing what she was going to say. '_He always knows when I'm nervous and uncertain. He __knows_ _me.'_

"I want – I want – oh, this is so hard for me. If you were just here, just standing here looking at me, this would be so much easier on the both of us. I could see the look on your face and know if I was making sense and that you understood how badly I wanted you to understand."

'_Well, that made a helluva lotta sense, Katie'. _Her mother's voice spoke quietly in her mind.

"I'll ask again, what do you want, Kate?" His voice was so soft, soothing and caring. Why hadn't she ever really listened to him when he talked? Not about what he said but the way he said it?

There was a knocking at her door and she swore in frustration.

"Kate! What's wrong, Kate?" Concern for her was in his voice and she warmed to it even as she cursed whatever idiot was pounding on her door at 11pm.

"Wait. Don't go. Please don't hang up. I'll just be a second. Don't hang up!"

She ran to the door and flung it open, totally ignoring all the training and indoctrination she'd had as well as common sense. She still had the cell phone to her ear. The fact that she was only wearing a very short sleep shirt never crossed her mind.

"Kate, what do you want?" His voice was soothing and carried a smile in it, just like the one on his face.

"You. Us. Together. Forever. No more games, no more roles, no more walls, no more excuses, no more lies. Just you and me, together. Is that plain enough?"

"Yeah. But I got conditions, Kate."

"Conditions? You got _conditions_?" She was still talking into the cell phone and so was he. The look on her face was almost funny. She looked like she'd just swallowed a bug.

"Yeah, conditions. #1: I'm not going back to the Precinct. That's more of a statement than a condition but work with me here, okay?"

She nodded her head in agreement, still dazed that he was here and that they were finally getting somewhere.

"#2: We don't go to sleep on an argument - ever."

She nodded and smiled. That one was a no-brainer. Her folks had always said it was important in a relationship not to let differences fester.

#3: What's mine is _ours_, understand? No argument. It's nonnegotiable."

Again she nodded. The weary man standing before her who, for once, was bold, daring and straightforward transfixed her. Had he always been like this?

"#4: We get engaged as soon as possible. Another nonnegotiable condition. #5: We get – "

"Wait a minute. Just wait. How many of these damned 'conditions' do you have?"

"Shut up and you'll find out. Now where was I?"

"Number 5."

"Yeah, thanks. #5: We get married as soon as you're comfortable with it. I don't care if it's a huge wedding or just us and our closest friends and family – shit – I have to talk to your Dad before we get engaged. Okay, the wedding. I pay for it. No objections. I want you to have the wedding you want, big or small, no matter what the cost. Consider it a wedding present."

"#6: No fooling around until there's a wedding band on your finger. I don't care if you want to wait months to get married. I'll wait. That's all, I think. Yeah. I think that about covers it."

"Okay, you don't have to come back to the Precinct. I'll miss you but I understand your position." There was a short pause while she looked at him. He still had that half-smile that she found so cute and she felt muscles protesting the huge grin on her face.

"No further comments, smart assed or otherwise?"

"Nope."

"Okay. I'll see you in a few days. Get some sleep, Kate. You look like crap. Oh, yeah, I love you and only you. Always and forever, understand? Always and forever." He leaned down and picked up a small bag and turned to leave.

"Wait! That's it? I tell you I want us to be together and I agree to all these conditions and you tell me to get some sleep and you'll see me in a few days? Are you delusional, Castle?"

"No, just tired. I've been on a plane since early yesterday and I haven't been home yet and I think I crossed the date line a few times and – "

"I'm tired, too. C'mon. Sleep with me. Wrap me up in Castle and tell me all about the tour."

"Kate, I – "

"I saw the interview on the internet – both parts. You honestly hoped I was the one who was going to walk out from back stage, didn't you."

"Yeah. But when I saw Gina I – "

"That's the very second I made my decision. The very second. And when she bitched that it was _my_ name on your lips, well, I had no choice. I had to be with you. It was a no-brainer but it still took me a while to figure it out."

"Where's Josh in all this?"

"Don't know. Don't care. We had words. Long overdue. He's dead to me. You're all I want."

"Good. Shower then sleep. I don't even know what day it is. Oh, if my cell rings and it's Gina, can you fake an Aussie accent and tell her I'm in the shower? She thinks I went back to have a crack at Bambi from Oz."

"Where is Gina, by the way?"

"Well, unless the airline screwed up, she and my baggage are on the way to Sri Lanka. I changed her tickets. One way. She was so damned drunk she didn't know what plane she was getting on. I just pointed her to the gate and then caught a plane to L.A. I left her a note telling her what I was doing – the Oz blonde Bambi thing. I just needed her out of the way."

"Why?"

"I'm suing Black Pawn for breach of contract and I wanted Gina out of the way. That damned dedication – Kate, I never wrote it."

"I know. I saw the interview. So shower then bed. You can tell me all the gory details over breakfast, Castle."

"Think when we're married you could manage to call me something other than 'Castle' once in a while?"

"I'll take it under consideration,_ Kitten._"

* * *

><p>Remember.<p> 


	6. You Didn't Know

_Then and __Now_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 6

Beckett's Apartment  
>34 months ago<p>

Kate was exhausted. She never knew that she had so much stuff. She blew hair out of her face and went into the kitchen and took out the last 6-pack of beer leaving a totally bare (and clean) refrigerator for the next tenant.

She handed beers all around and plopped down on Castle's lap, putting an arm around him and relaxing. Lanie and Esposito sat on the couch, equally exhausted.

"Kate, I'm just damned glad you aren't a clothes horse because I don't think I could make another trip up those damned stairs. Of all the days for the elevator to go on the fritz…"

"Just be glad this is a furnished apartment, _Kitten."_ She'd promised not to call Rick 'Castle' so often but she'd never promised exactly what she would call him.

"Fine. Javier, Lanie, how's about getting yourselves cleaned up and coming over to our place for steaks? It's the least we can do to thank you for helping Kate move."

Kate smiled at how easily Castle had made the transition from 'his' to 'our' place. She smiled at him and laid a quick smooch on him and then suddenly turned an alarming shade of white and ran to the bathroom.

Castle was worried. She'd been popping ant-acids like M&Ms lately and he was having all kinds of nightmarish scenarios cooking up in his brain like stomach cancer, ulcers, parasites, exotic crap.

"Rick, has she been doing that a lot? I see her popping Rolaids like they're candy. Is she on edge? Or worried about something? She's happy so it can't be that she's worried about the two of you. She's happier than I've ever known her to be."

He'd only been back from the Australia tour for two weeks and he didn't monopolize Kate's time with his incessant neediness. He was trying his best to give her space but to be there the second she decided to get into her 'girlfriend' role.

"She's been working on that case and I really haven't seen that much of her. She's eating well, just avoiding Kung Pao chicken and some stuff that seems to set these spells off. Lanie, could she be developing ulcers? She's in a high stress job that's physically demanding and she doesn't always eat right and her sleep schedule is a mess."

"Well, writer-boy, you'd be the one to know about her sleep schedule now, right? Maybe you two are spending too much time in bed _not_ sleeping?"

"Except for the very first night I got back from the month in Australia, we haven't spent the night together. Ask her about 'Condition #6'. I'm serious about this and I want her to know how sincere I am."

"Wait, you've been chasing after Beckett for three years and now that she's a 'sure thing' you're suddenly all puritanical on us?"

"Trust, Lanie. We're building trust. Ask her. She thinks I'm crazy but until the wedding band is firmly on her finger, she's a nun and I'm an idiot for ever thinking up Condition #6. I must have been crazy."

Everyone laughed including Beckett who was standing in the doorway just listening and watching.

Two cell phones chirped and both Esposito and Kate looked at the text.

"Castle, we got to go. Lanie, please make sure he takes everything home? We'll be back to the loft as soon as we can." She leaned over and whispered that she loved him and agreed with him. He was an idiot for condition #6. A quick kiss and she was off, riding to the sound of the sirens.

"Castle, you best be stronger than you look because those boxes of books are yours, in more ways than one. If she was going to collect Castle novels, why not in paperback?"

"Or she could have gotten the CD collection read by famous voices. Not mine, of course, but others."

"C'mon, Writer-boy, you grab a box or two and I'll walk behind you in case you fall down the stairs. That way I can render Cause and Time of Death with incredible accuracy."

* * *

><p>Castle's Loft<br>34 months ago

"I'm glad you got competent help, Rick, 'cause I don't think you had many more trips left in you. I guess being a tenant in an upscale apartment and penthouse loft gives you some clout."

"Owner."

"Say what?" Lanie raised an eyebrow and stared.

"Owner. Bought the building back when the commercial real estate market was in the toilet and moved in. Yeah, I got good help. Hired most of them myself. Pay them a decent wage, a bonus for compliments and good benefits. There's a occupancy waiting list a couple of years long to get in here."

"Does Beckett know she's the landlord?"

"What's mine is hers, Lanie. That's condition…um…don't' remember. Hey, want to see the ring?"

"Oooo, you know it. Has Kate seen it?"

"No. I just got the chance to talk to her father. Had to follow all the rules. Get pop's blessing, set the mood, spring the trap."

He handed Lanie the box. Kate had actually picked out the ring herself not knowing that Rick had a guy 'spotting' for him and he kept an eye on her, literally, via electronics and when her pupils dilated and her mouth twitched, he gave Rick the high-sign. It wasn't the ring he'd have bought her. It was small and dainty and didn't scream 'property of Castle' but she picked it.

"Oh, Castle, this is perfect! If she says 'No', I'll take it off your hands. My girl is going to go nuts over this. It's, it's perfect."

"Thanks. Your approval means a lot to me. You know her better than anyone and I just took a risk with this."

"Well, you done good, Rick. When are you going to give it to her?"

"Tonight, if she's not too tired. Tomorrow works, too. I don't want her too tired to appreciate the moment, y'know? I only get to do this one for her and I want it right."

Lanie's cell rang and she saw it was Esposito.

"Hey, what's up? You guys – no! Okay. I'll bring him. Ten minutes maybe less. Manhattan South ER. Right."

"Castle, that was Esposito. Kate's – something's wrong. They've taken her to the ER at Manhattan South. Let's go. I'm driving 'cause I got a siren and lights."

* * *

><p>Manhattan South Trauma Center<br>ER

The car hadn't even rolled to a complete stop before Rick jumped out and ran in front of it and into the ER.

"That boy's gonna get hurt someday if he don't stop and THINK before he runs to her."

In the ER waiting area Esposito is sitting on a plastic chair just staring at the blood on his hands. Rick felt a moment of dizziness as he realized it's Kate's blood but he pulled up some courage from deep down inside and sat down beside Javier.

"You all right? You weren't hurt, were you? Do you need to see a doc – "

"I'm fine. It's Beckett's blood. Castle, I couldn't – "

Just then Lanie arrived in the waiting area and a doctor in bloodstained scrubs asked "Who is here for Beckett? Beckett?" There were only 3 people in the waiting area and they were now sitting together. _'What a dick!'_ was Castle's first thought but then his brain engaged.

"We are. How is she? What happened?"

"Are either of you her husband or domestic partner?"

Javier sat back down. Now he knew why he couldn't find a wound. He looked at Castle and then at Lanie and shook his head almost imperceptibly.

"Ah, we live together. I'm Richard Castle."

"Mr. Castle, if you'll come with me please." He extended an arm towards Castle like he was going to put his bloody hand around his shoulder. Castle side-stepped the offered arm and walked back where the doctor had come from.

"Stop, Mr. Castle. I need to prepare you. Now, she presented with heavy hemorrhaging – "

"Was she shot? She's a cop, a detective, was she shot?"

"Let me finish please. I'll answer all your questions then and you'll be allowed to see her briefly. We're admitting her and after her blood volume has been replenished, we'll go in and survey the damage and fix whatever's wrong."

"But what happened?"

"Mr. Castle, she lost the baby. I'm very sorry."

Rick felt light-headed and he felt the doctor lean him against the wall. He slid down it until he was sitting on the hospital floor. The doctor knelt down beside him.

"You didn't know she was pregnant?"

"She was pregnant?"

He was trying to wrap his mind around it. His mind refused to focus and kept drifting to images of Kate and a baby at a park, her holding a baby and laughing at his stupid jokes. Stupid stuff. Stuff he wanted badly and hadn't realized until now.

"Yes, she was. She didn't do anything wrong, Mr. Castle. Sometimes these things happen. No one is to blame, certainly not Ms. Beckett."

"Can I see her? Should I call her dad? Her mom's dead but should I – "

"That's your decision, Mr. Castle, but she's not dying. You should ask her. She might not be comfortable with – "

"Yeah. I'm not thinking straight. So, um, can I see her before you – "

"Of course, but don't expect her to make any sense. And don't take anything she says to heart. This is an incredibly emotional time for a woman. Be patient and just love her. That's what she'll need."

"Yeah. Listen, give me a minute. I need to tell her partner what's going on. They were investigating a case and I don't want half the NYPD here making her feel uncomfortable, okay?"

"That's a good idea. Just come on back when you're ready and a nurse will take you to see Ms. Beckett."

Castle walked out into the ER waiting room and spoke quietly to Lanie who hugged him and nodded and then took his keys and left.

"Esposito, she miscarried. Nothing you could have done. You did what you should have done and – I got a favor to ask, okay? Don't let this run wild through the grapevine. Kate won't want her private life the topic of conversation or gossip, okay?"

"You got it, bro. I'll handle it. How's she doing?"

Castle went over the bare bones with him and then sent Esposito on his way promising to call both him and Lanie when things calmed down.

* * *

><p>'<em>Fickle Muse'<br>_New York City Yacht Club  
>May 2014<p>

"Dad, I don't want to go. I feel like I'm abandoning you when you need me most." Alexis was standing beside the cab that would take her to the airport.

"Pumpkin, you're not abandoning me and I'm not sending you into exile. I'll come out and spend a couple days with you and Joe. I have some personal business out there. There's talk of a 2nd Nikki Heat movie and I'm going to talk to the studio."

"Dad, Mom's dead and hanging around the cemetery isn't going to bring her back. You did the best you could. You gave her support and love and you were there at the end."

"She was my first love, Alexis. She gave me _you_ and she tried so hard to make it work but her feelings didn't run as deeply as mine."

"See? You're getting depressed again. You need a change of scenery. Maybe a tour or a sail _is_ what's right for you."

Her mother had left her father for another man, someone who could help her career. It hadn't been a question of 'feelings' but of ego and ambition.

Alexis had loved her mother but hated the 'woman known as Meredith' sometimes. Her father had supported her in her last years and all she'd done was bind him in a web of promises she knew he'd keep regardless of the cost.

"Daddy, I have to go. I don't want to miss my plane. I'll have to OJ through the airport as it is. I love you and I want you to call me every night, okay? Every night!"

"Go. You can't OJ in 4 inch heels, Alexis. You'll bust your butt. Call me when you get to San Francisco. And tell the Mad Scientist to quit trying to blow up the world. If God wanted his particle found, he'd leave it around in plain site. I love you, Alexis. Take care of Joe. Goodbye, baby girl."

He watched the cab drive off and then turned, waved at the paparazzi who were lining the parking lot fence and walked back down to the dock and the _Muse._

Alexis watched through the back window of the cab as her father walked away and she made a decision.

"Driver, forget the airport. I need to go to 3rd and Parkview, just off Central Park. I'm a New Yorker so don't pad the fare with side trips to the Bowery."

* * *

><p>Beckett's Loft<br>Manhattan  
>May 2014<p>

The house phone rang and her first thought was to ignore it. She was reading through the newspapers and looking for any word on Castle or any further crap from the slime who masqueraded as a lawyer. After 10 or so rings she sighed and walked over and answered it.

"Castle residence." She cringed. _Not anymore it isn't._

"Ms. Beckett, Ms. Alexis would like to speak with you. She's sitting in the lobby. Should I have her pick up on the house phone or – "

"Tell her to please come up." She ran around picking up newspapers. She didn't want to give the impression that she was gloating or collecting souvenirs.

She pulled her hair up into a messy ponytail and slipped on her shoes and went out to meet her at the elevator. After the last visit, she had no idea what to expect from the youngest Castle. Her final words had been filled with bitterness.

'_I hate you for what you've done to him, to our family. All he did was keep his word. You slept with another man. Which one was unforgivable, which one was more hateful? I never want to speak to you again, ever!'_

And yet, here she was, coming to see her. Probably to give Kate another taste of the bitter cup she'd made for herself.

When the elevator doors opened Kate saw the last thing in the world she expected to see: Alexis Castle huddled in the corner sobbing her heart out.

"Lex! What's wrong? Has something happened to your father?" She pulled her up to her feet and led her out of the elevator and into the loft.

In a soft voice that she knew would cut through more easily that the panicked tone she'd used in the elevator, she asked her again, "Alexis, honey, tell me what's wrong."

"Oh, Mom, he sent me away and he's so alone and depressed. It's worse than when Gram died and – "

"Shhh. Just take a minute and pull yourself together. We'll fix this, Lexie, I promise. We'll fix this."

The embrace was so unexpected but so welcome. She'd missed these. Alexis' hugs were almost as nice as Rick's.

"Okay. But first, I'm sorry for all those hateful things I said. I didn't mean them. I was just so upset and – "

"You don't apologize for telling the truth." There, she'd said it. She admitted it. What she'd done, no matter the circumstances, was exponentially worse than what ever Rick had done.

"Look, I have to call Joe and tell him I'm on a later flight and then I need to check on something in Dad's office. Is it okay if I go in there?"

"Alexis Castle, this will always be your home. Sure. Do what you need to do. Want something to drink? Tea, water, booze?" The last brought a tug of a smile to her daughter's lips. Both knew it was an attempt to lighten the situation.

"Water's fine." She walked a few feet away and dialed Joe's cell. He probably was still asleep or on his way to his research lab.

"Hey, it's me. I'm taking a later flight. I'm okay, really. Just talking to my Mom and trying to get things on a better footing. My bags will be there before I get there but I'll text you with my flight info, okay?"

'_My Mom' _brought tears to Kate's eyes. How easily Alexis loved and how unselfishly. _'Like someone else I know.'_

There was a pause and then "Yeah, I know I've been 'unreasonable', baby, and yeah, my Dad put me in my place. I should have talked to you but – "

"Joe, I don't think he meant it quite that way. You make it sound like he was 'passing the torch' or something. Well, because to my dad I _am_ his little girl, that's why. Okay. Love you, too."

She stopped for a minute and her mind churned up her last conversation with her dad on the pier. _He said 'Goodbye'! He never said goodbye!_

"He said 'Goodbye'! He _never_ says 'goodbye'." She practically ran to Rick's old office and Kate followed. Alexis' voice was laced with raw panic.

Alexis pulled up the carpet from the corner of the room and folded it back. Kate saw a floor safe.

"I didn't know Rick had a safe!"

"Yeah. Keeps his backups and stuff in it. Long story. But – " She punched in the combination he'd always used but the LED blinked red and she swore. He always used her date of birth, always. Unless –

"Kate, what's your date of birth, month, day, and year?"

She keyed it in and smiled when the LED turned to green and there was a loud click. She removed the 'plug' door and then started pulling out stuff and throwing it aside.

"It's not here! His pistol's not here!"

"Pistol? Castle doesn't own a pistol."

She looked at Kate almost in pity. "You didn't know he had a safe, either."

Alexis starting putting stuff back but an envelope caught her eye. She saw her dad's scrawling script.

"Here. It's addressed to you." She finished putting everything back and told Kate how to reset the combination if she wanted to and then replaced the plug and the carpet.

"Go ahead and read it. I need to call him."

Kate walked back into the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee and then sat at the island and looked at the envelope. It was definitely Castle's scrawling 'Kate' on the envelope.

She carefully opened up the envelope and unfolded two type-written pieces of stationery that she'd given him as a joke. It pictured a series of drawings that depicted the evolution of writing from a man in a cave drawing on walls to a man who resembled Castle pecking at a computer. In between were clay tablets, monks with onionskins, goose quill pens and typewriters. He'd scanned it and used it as his personal stationery for emails and correspondence.

_February 10, 2014_

_My dearest wife:_

_I probably won't be able to use that title much longer since you just told me to 'get the hell out – I never want to see you again!' You think I'm in here pouting but in reality, I'm writing you this final last love letter that you'll only find after my death. _

_Nothing dramatic, it's just that the safe is one of those things I never thought to tell you about. The Will explains it and I'm sure Shelby's gone over it with you by now. _

_Oh, and I never had any 'thing' for Shelby. I just like her and her husband a lot. You don't, so we don't socialize together._

_I'm not having an affair with Meredith. She was my first love and she gave me Alexis and I'll always love her, if just for that. I love her, but not the same kind of love I have for you, my wife. She's the mother of my child so I 'love' her like that._

_Remember how you couldn't reach her and how ghastly she looked at Mother's funeral? She was recovering from surgery – a mastectomy – and her first chemotherapy treatment. She didn't tell me until later. I just thought she was living the high life a little too high is all. Stupid me._

_The checks from the bank account you didn't know about were all written to her. I was __not __buying her silence or keeping her as my mistress. They were to pay for her medical expenses. Meredith never believed in spending money on something she couldn't wear or enjoy so she never got medical insurance._

_Those accounts were all from before our marriage and I honestly overlooked them when I made everything else joint accounts. The money was earned from some articles and short stories I'd written over the years so don't think for one damned minute I took 'our' money for my ex-wife because I didn't._

_She made me promise never to reveal her illness and I'll break that promise willingly because her end is near and Alexis will need to be there whether Meredith wants it or not. You, my darling Kate, will probably never know until you read about it in the newspapers. _

_I don't break promises, you know that. I couldn't tell you, give you hints, or even ask Meredith to tell you, not that she would. I think she hates me for finally being happy with a woman I adore._

_Kate, Meredith was my first love, but you are my last._

_Rick_

"Mom, what is it?" Kate had crumpled the letter to her face and was crying.

"Why didn't you tell me about Meredith? I thought he had been keeping her as his mistress all these years. I didn't know she was sick, dying, and that he was paying all her bills."

"He made me promise after Mom died that I'd keep her secret. I didn't want to. I told him to tell you. She was dead and it wouldn't matter to her but he couldn't. He said it would matter to him. She died in April. She didn't even want to see me but Dad came out and got me and we were at the Hospice together when she died."

"I never knew – about it. Even when I said terrible, horrible things to him, about him, he just sat there and took it. He never fought back. His silence made everything I accused him of to seem true. All my training, all my experience with criminals, all of it screamed 'he's guilty' at me."

"So now you know. The question is, what are we going to do about it?"

* * *

><p>Remember<p> 


	7. Last Breath

I'm posting this for the Brigadier. Two chapters. He's away for a bit longer. I just edited some small stuff. Nothing major. He says his finger buffers aren't big enough to keep up with his thoughts. He leaves out words sometimes.

Please take note of the dates on the segments. They flop around like a freshly-caught fish and you'll complain about 'continuity'.

Nik the editor

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and <span>__Now_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 7

'_Fickle Muse'  
><em>New York City Yacht Club  
>May 2014<p>

He breathed a sigh of relief. Alone at last. He walked down to his berth and hopped aboard the _Muse_. He was tired and although he loved his daughter to death, her presence was a constant reminder of the family he'd had and lost. It was better for all of them if they just went about their business and forgot about one Richard Castle.

A family on a day sailor cruised by, happy and together. The little girl squealed when her father let her 'steer' and her mother watched like a hawk. Typical family. He wouldn't know. Well he did. It just hadn't last very long.

He took another deep breath of fresh morning air and wondered again if he had breathed atoms from Caesar, Descartes, Brahms, Moses, Einstein, Meredith - the list in his mind went on and on.

He'd first run across the brain teaser called 'Caesar's Last Breath' in a college physics class. For some reason, even though he'd hated physics and really sucked at math, he found himself fascinated by the very concept that atoms in his inhalation might actually be from someone else's _last_.

He shook off the thought that was creeping in from the darker recesses of his mind: _Who will breathe in the last of mine?_

* * *

><p>Manhattan South Trauma Center<br>ER  
>34 months ago<p>

She looked small, frail and deathly pale. The IV that carried life-giving blood trickled down and disappeared into a vein near her elbow. Either she was asleep or unconscious.

Castle pulled up a chair, another one of those plastic butt-busters, and took her unencumbered hand in his own and just held it. The last thing she needed was some panic-stricken and neurotic writer asking her questions.

She had been pregnant. It had been Josh's baby. Did he know? Did she know she was having a baby? Questions he wanted to ask but dreaded hearing the answers to. Well, at least he could rule out stomach cancer, parasites and ulcers. And acid reflux. He'd added that one to his list of worries earlier in the day, when life was good, Kate was healthy, and the future seemed bright and shiny.

A nurse came in, took her blood pressure and temperature and straightened the IV. All very professional, all very mechanical.

"You're Richard Castle, aren't you? Is she your wife? She's beautiful. She looks like a porcelain doll, doesn't she?" A pause, a hesitation, and then she continued.

"The OR is being prepped. They gave her a pre-op sedative for the cramps and pain."

She straightened the sheet covering Kate and then turned and smiled, not a happy smile, but a smile.

"We lost a baby a year ago. It hurt and I forgot that my husband lost a baby, too. Our divorce was final 3 months ago. I forgot that _we_ had lost a baby and I ended up losing a husband, too. Don't let her shut you out, Mr. Castle. You need to be part of the grieving process."

"It isn't mine. She's not my wife. The baby was her boyfriend's. He's a doctor in Haiti. I'm just his designated pinch-hitter. I probably shouldn't even be here under the circumstances, should I?" He looked up at the nurse with a questioning look on his face.

"You're obviously more than that. I can tell. Friends don't have the terrible look of panic you did when you came in. Friends don't sit here and cry. I'll bet you don't even know you're crying, do you? It's okay to cry. It's the one thing you can do. The rest is up to her."

She patted him on the shoulder and left. Castle sat there thinking.

_If she had known she was pregnant would __he__ be sitting here or would she be alone waiting for Josh to fly in from Haiti? _

Would she have even bothered calling Alexis since he wasn't taking her calls? Would they be a couple or just estranged former partners who avoided reminders of each other?

* * *

><p>ER Waiting Room<p>

Castle looked at his watch for the umpteenth time and sighed in frustration. He was impatient, worried. He wanted to know that she was okay. She hadn't awakened at all before they took her into the OR.

"Rick, calm down. You've opened and closed that ring case a million times since I got back. She's going to be fine, Rick. Trust me. I know about these things. She's going to be fine. You'll see."

Lanie knew her friend. She was a brooder and she'd brood about this and lash out viciously at anyone who tried to make her feel better about it. She'd blame herself for losing the baby. She'd blame her job and eventually she'd get around to blaming the man who was sitting beside, scared to death that he might lose her.

"Rick, can we talk for a minute?" Lanie mentally chuckled at the look on Castle's face. Those words or a similar arrangement thereof brought fear to most men.

"Sure. I need some air. Want to walk around the parking lot?" He tried to smile but it ended up looking like he had a bad taste in his mouth.

They walked around for a few minutes.

"It's not your baby, is it?" She knew, just wanted to be sure he knew.

"Josh's. I hope. No, it's his. She's not a tramp. She's a one-guy girl. It's his. Kate and I have never – have never been intimate."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"Nothing. Be there for her. Support her. Do anything she wants done. Help her grieve if she'll allow it."

_And wonder what would have happened if she hadn't lost_ _the baby. Would she have gone back to Josh? Would she have stayed with him because of the baby?_

Lanie sighed. She knew her friend and how she would respond and it would not be pretty. She would curl up like a porcupine and shed her quills in anyone who dared come close. And Castle would be close.

"Y'know she'll want to leave, go somewhere and mourn, sulk, stew, whatever you call it. It won't be pretty, Rick, and you'll have scars. She doesn't take well to handling."

"So you're saying I should just step back, ease off, leave her alone, give her space, go into a wait-state – _abandon her_ emotionally?" His voice grew hard and she thought she heard a growl but dismissed it as ridiculous.

"I'm saying that she won't want to be handled, y'know, smothered. She'll be embarrassed, defensive, on her guard, and any little thing could set her off."

"Fine. I consider myself warned. I'm staying. We're more than partners. We're soon to be engaged. As soon as she's out of recovery and in a room."

"I hope your insurance and Will are up-to-date, Castle."

"How bad can it be?"

* * *

><p>St Francis Hospice Center<br>Echo Park, CA  
>April, 2014<p>

Castle picked up his daughter at the airport and drove her to the Hospice where her mother was being cared for. Meredith had suddenly and anxiously agreed to allow Rick to bring Alexis to see her. Echo Park was just a short airplane ride from San Francisco where Alexis was in her junior year.

"Sweetheart, your mother didn't want you to see her this way. She's always been so concerned with physical beauty and she's far from looking like the woman you remember. Maybe this isn't such a good idea but I know how I felt when I – got the news about Mother dying alone. I promised myself that no one I loved would ever die alone if I could help it."

"Dad, you've kept me in the loop so far as Mom's health and treatments. I've prepared myself. She's my mother. I want to see her and be with her. Joe's more than okay with it. He's been through it with his dad. I'm not a baby anymore, Daddy. I'm 21 for God's sake."

He glanced over at his daughter and tried to find something in her facial features that reminded him of himself but couldn't. She was the image of her mother at that age, the same age she'd given him Alexis.

"Yeah, I keep forgetting that. Now, she has trouble talking in more than very short sentences and sometimes those don't make sense. She's not in pain and the drugs are some of the cause of the confusion. Just let her ramble but it's probably best if you do most of the talking. It won't matter what you talk about, sweetie, just the sound of your voice will be enough."

"How – how are things going with Kate? Are you still living in a hotel? What happened? I mean one day you're on top of the world and the next, she has an affair and then throws _you_ out and then files for divorce?"

"Pumpkin, it's complicated. Things – " It was complicated and he didn't want to involve his daughter in something so sordid.

"Oh that's just so much crap! You should have told her about Mom. Kate would have understood and supported you. You know that. She loves you, Dad. I know she screwed up but you two were so happy until Mom got into the mix."

"Meredith made me promise not to tell anyone about her illness – especially not you. You know how she is. Vanity thy name is Meredith Hunter Rodgers."

"And 'honor-obsessed' thy name is Richard Castle. You hang on to such out-dated concepts like honor, loyalty, family, when they combine to cost you your happiness. What is right about that? You broke your word to Mom when you told me, didn't you?"

"Alexis, I already told you that I'd promised myself that no one I loved would ever die alone if I could help it. It's a promise that trumps personal loss or inconvenience."

He pulled into the Hospice and parked. They sat there for a moment in uncomfortable silence until Alexis reached over and grabbed Rick's hand.

"You're a better man than anyone I've ever known. I'm so proud to be your daughter."

She got out of the car and walked up to the building where her mother lay dying, leaving her father to compose himself. She hadn't meant to upset him. She meant what she said.

'_I'll call Kate and tell her. It's a promise I'll break and never worry about. She needs to know why this whole mess happened. Dad doesn't deserve to be treated like she's treated him. __He__ wasn't the one who had the affair to spite him, to hurt him. He'd just been the one to pay for it all.'_

* * *

><p>New York City Yacht Club<br>May 2014

Castle went down his mental checklist. He'd done almost everything on the list except a few and if they were left undone it wouldn't matter. They were mostly inconsequential things that lawyers could argue over.

The only thing he hadn't done was to call his father. He owed him that. That and an explanation. In the time since they'd met one another that bleak November morning in 2012, they'd spoken often and met and had dinner quite a few times, mostly because Castle felt the need to see the man he'd needed his entire life. He needed his father more now than ever before.

'_St. Pascal's Rectory.'_

"Father Alexander Richards, please. Richard Castle calling." He always wondered why his mother had given him that name – Richard Alexander.

"_Oh, Richard, you just missed him. He started teaching again. He'll be back in a few hours. Do you want to call back or have him call you then?"_

"This must be the formidable Sister Theresa de Aguilar. How are the pole dancing lessons coming along?"

"_Richard Castle, that's a terrible thing to say. You know it's 'Belly Dancing for Beginners'. Get it right, kiddo."_

"Ask him to call me, please? The time doesn't matter. I just need to talk to him, okay?"

"_I'll stand over him with a flail until he dials the number, Richard. I – I read about the divorce. He's been expecting a call." _

There was the sound of disappointment in her voice. He didn't know if it was from the divorce or that he hadn't called. Sister Theresa was his father's 70-year old secretary at the University and she knew – and approved – of his relationship to the retired Bishop.

He kept busy getting things ready. He had all his documents in Ziploc bag, some were new, some were old, but all were important. He looked them over again to make sure he wasn't missing anything critical. He was a writer and he'd used this same 'device' in many of his stories. He just never figured he'd have to use it for real.

His cell chirped it's usual friendly tone and he saw the name in caller ID and felt a warmth envelope him.

"Dad – Dad, I'm in trouble, Dad. Can I come down and see you? I just need to talk and the phone is so impersonal."

'_Of course. I'll expect you this evening. Is there anything you need in the meantime? Money? I read about the divorce, Richard. You should have told me. You shouldn't have had to go through that alone.'_

"I'll see you tonight. I'm fine for money. Hell, it's the only thing I have left."

* * *

><p><strong>Remember<strong>


	8. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

I'm back, just a few pints low. Did ya miss me? Didn't think so.

This was difficult to write for me. Never knew my father. Korea 1952. Enough said. It's short but bridges the events of the Now in the last chapter and the future.

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now<span>_by Oldest Man  
>Chapter 8<p>

**NOTE THE DATE - in this scene Kate and Rick are married. Alexis is away at Stanford.**

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, While loving someone deeply gives you courage."  
><strong>Lao Tzu<strong>

Castle Loft  
>November 2012<p>

The call came to the Castle residence at 1am. Martha Rodgers had suffered a stroke after the last act of a play she was doing in Chicago. She died en route to the hospital without ever regaining consciousness.

Rick was in shock and barely functional and it was up to Kate to 'rally the Clan'. The call to Meredith was difficult. It took several voice mail messages before she returned her call. She'd been on a plane returning from a shoot.

"I'll be there as soon as possible. Rick must be devastated. Be careful with him, Katherine. He'll be in such a dark place until he adapts and adjusts. Her passing, the _way_ she passed, it was a blessing in a way."

"I'm not sure I understand…"

"He didn't have to watch her wither away from some illness or suffer losing her bit by bit to Alzheimers. Give him a hug for me. I'll call you with my flight information."

The call to Alexis was the most difficult. Her grandmother had been her surrogate mother for as long as Alexis could recognize that she didn't really have a mother.

"Lex, it's Mom. Martha had a stroke and passed away. Your father is making arrangements to bring her home and we need you, he needs you, to come home, baby. I'm so sorry. Let me know your flight arrival and I'll pick you up. Your mother's already been told. I'll call Gina next. We all loved her and we'll miss her."

The next call took all of her self-control to make. Things between them had been tense, combative and hostile, especially since the wedding.

"Gina, Kate Castle. I hate voice mail. Martha Rodgers passed away earlier tonight in Chicago. A stroke. Rick's making arrangements to bring her home. Alexis and Meredith are on the way or will be shortly. Please call me back. Can we please at least be civil to one another for Rick and Alexis' sake?"

* * *

><p>Pilgrim's Rest Cemetery<br>Scarsdale, New York  
>November 2012<p>

Most of the mourners had departed and Rick stayed behind to make sure the internment was done properly. He had walked the family, Kate, Meredith, Gina and Alexis, back to the limo and told them to head home to the Loft and he'd be along shortly by cab.

Kate was worried about him, his lack of grieving, the way he'd displayed such rigid control over himself after his initial break down at the loft. She and Alexis had talked about it and even Gina had echoed her concerns.

"He's just not letting himself feel, that's all. It's the way he is, Katherine. He'll insulate and isolate his grief."

Meredith had known him the longest but had never seen him have to face the death of a loved one. None of them had.

"He needs to let it go. It's not good for him to keep it all bottled up." Kate knew from her own personal experience with her mother's death that keeping it all inside was wrong and had consequences.

"Katherine, when we divorced - don't look at me that way, this is hard enough to say – "

Both Gina and Kate had fixed her with angry glares. Both of them knew the circumstances and neither were in a forgiving mood. Not even Gina who had done the same thing to him years later.

Alexis just sat in the corner of the limo, trying to fade away and not be noticed. She loved all these women to some degree but hated listening to them talk about her father as if he were some mental defective.

"When we divorced, he walled himself up inside and shut himself off from the outside. He wrote, in longhand back then, and he poured his grief out into something tangible and then he'd burn the tablet, and it was cathartic for him. I saw him at his worst and it was exactly like now. You'll just have to let him grieve his own way. We all love him on some level and we all want what's best for him. Trust me, this is what's best for him."

The limo driver drove them to their respective addresses. Meredith was staying at a hotel and Gina had her own place, of course, across from the Park.

* * *

><p>Castle walked back to the gravesite. He wanted to be cremated. Burial seemed so primitive and archaic – like Celts building a cairn of stone after filling it with worldly goods for the afterlife.<p>

He saw a tall, broad-shouldered man in a black suit standing beside the coffin, still on its stand, and wondered who he was. He stopped a few yards away as soon as he saw that the man was praying. There was no harm in it. He wasn't doing anything wrong. He was paying his respects in a way Castle could relate to.

When the man finished and crossed himself he did something that surprised Castle. He made the sign of the cross over his mother's coffin and then kissed his fingertips and laid them on the coffin in goodbye.

"Did you know my mother?" He asked the question, knowing full well the man did. There were tear tracks on his cheeks and his eyes were red and puffy. What surprised him the most was that the man wore the collar of a Catholic priest.

"She was the only woman I'll ever love. You must miss her terribly, Richard."

"Do I know you?" The man looked familiar but he was certain he'd never met one of his mother's many boyfriends who was a priest!

"No, but I know all about you. She was so proud of you, Richard. She sent me a copy of every one of your books and regularly clipped and sent reviews. The woman's pride in her son was almost sinful." He smiled and Castle felt strangely happy.

"So you knew her a long time then?"

The priest smiled again, but it was a sad smile. "I've known her since before you were born, Richard. We met in Florida after I'd graduated from Georgetown and the seminary and was taking a break before I took my vows. She was – the most delightful and beautiful woman I'd ever laid eyes on and we spent those days together. I almost stayed, you know, and I would have except she told me that I had to go, that she didn't really love me and that I was just a summer fling. She was a magnificent actress even then."

"But you kept in touch?"

"You were three when I saw her in a play while I was on leave. I went backstage and we talked, really talked, and then, before I left, she introduced me to you. You were so curious about everything. And even back then you talked incessantly and touched everything."

Rick smiled at the man's story. He was hungry for more information about that time in his mother's life. She never spoke of those first years after his birth.

"I didn't know the priesthood gave leaves? I know nothing at all about Catholics except for what I've read or researched. Mother wasn't big on religion."

"The Church grants 'Sabbaticals', Richard. The Army grants leaves. I was an Army Chaplain."

"Oh. But you kept in touch after that?"

"Yes. And before you jump to conclusions, I never violated my vows. Your mother was a married woman and our correspondence was about secular things and, of course, you, her son."

"Do you know who my father was? Did she ever – I don't know – confess?"

"Finally. You were eight and there were medical issues and she needed information on your father's family medical history. My family's history."

"You're my father? All this time you knew you had a son and you never ever thought to let me know? To just drop me a line and say, 'Hey, I'm your father. You're my son?"

He wanted to hit this old man. He wanted him to feel some of the pain he'd felt growing up without a father – without knowing that he had a father who just happened to be a Father.

"I didn't know before and when she told me I asked the Church to release me from my vows because I had a son who needed a father but she'd already married, again, and so I withdrew my application and continued my vocation. She made me promise not to contact you. I honored that promise so long as she lived."

"And if I hadn't happened to have wandered up here?"

"I would have called you and asked you to lunch. Or perhaps waited a while and then sent you a letter and invited you and your daughter to Georgetown. I understand she's quite the scholar and I'd be so proud to be able to show her the campus."

"She's a freshman at Stanford, undecided yet about a major, maybe pre-med or pre-law. Something respectable, not like her father."

"But we've met today. Could we talk for a bit? My car is just over there. I'll wait with you while they – I'm sorry, you'd probably prefer to be alone now."

"No. I've been alone far too long. Let's get out of this wind and talk. I'd like that. I've had father-daughter talks my whole adult life but never a father-son."

* * *

><p>Castle Loft<br>Novemeber 2012

Richard Castle was a changed man when he walked back into the loft. His eyes were swollen and red from crying but he seemed at peace with himself.

Kate noticed right away. So did his daughter. He stood taller as if a great burden had been taken off his shoulders.

"Hey, sweetheart, everything okay?" She was concerned about him. They all were.

"Yeah. I'm going to be okay. We're going to be okay. Alexis goes back tomorrow. Think you can come with me to the airport and see her off?"

"I'm off for the rest of the week. She's our daughter. Of course I'll go."


	9. Shot in the Heart, Ripped From the Soul

Okay, this chapter and the next are arc changes. Read and pay special attention to the dates. The flashbacks are not necessarily chronological.

Thanks to the Incredible 188.

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now<span>_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 9

Manhattan South Trauma Center  
>Room 307<br>34 months ago

Castle knew Kate was on the verge of waking up and so he walked around to left side of the bed and carefully placed the engagement ring on the third finger of her left hand. He smiled, just a little, and hoped that when she saw it, she would know that it was more than a ring. It was a promise, given _after_ the events that brought them to this room, and that he planned on staying the course.

It seemed like days had gone by since she'd been in his lap, teasing him, whispering that she loved him. Days. In reality, it had only been 6 hours but those had been the longest 360 minutes of Rick's life. Those were 21600 seconds of pure agony and uncertainty.

Uncertainty still lingered.

Lanie had been by and gone, of course. She had run the errand of bringing the ring to the hospital for Rick. Ryan and Jenny had come in and brought a bouquet and Esposito dropped by to assure him that the word was out on Beckett.

He debated calling her father but figured if she was going to be pissed at the world and he was the nearest member of that unit, he wouldn't ruffle her fur unnecessarily. It would be her decision to call her father and what to tell him. He might be stupid but he was definitely not suicidal.

He fell asleep holding her hand. He didn't want her thinking she was alone if she just managed to half-awaken. He was there.

* * *

><p>"Castle? I – hurt." He awoke with a start and reached for the call button and mashed it.<p>

"I've called the nurse, Kate. She'll be in any second now. Do you know what happened to you?"

"Got – shot?" Her mouth was dry and he leaned over and let her take a few sips of water.

"No. Ah, maybe it would be best if the doctor explained your – um – situation, okay. I really don't know the technical terms and I won't be able to answer any of your questions." _'Coward!'_

The nurse came in and checked her vitals and then adjusted the self-medicating device and explained how all she had to do was mash the button and she'd get relief.

"What happened – to me?"

"Honey, you had a miscarriage but everything's going to be fine. Your husband's here and the doctor will be by shortly to go over what happened and 'after-care'. Call me if you need anything at all."

Castle got up and followed the nurse out into the hall and then came back in and resumed the position of sitting on his aching butt and holding her hand.

"Husband? So – we got married?" She was groggy from the medication and he knew she wasn't thinking straight at all.

"No. Not married. I'd rather you were awake for that."

"Well, personally, I'd rather be unconscious for – for that particular humili – ation."

It was the drugs. He knew it.

"Want some more water?"

"No. Want to go back to sleep and – finish this nightmare. Go away, Castle."

"Kate, I'm not going anywhere."

"Fine. Hope your ass hurts a lot."

* * *

><p>Kate woke up again two or three hours later and held off mashing the button that shot the soothing, cool drug through her veins. She wanted to take stock of the situation.<p>

A tired-looking Castle sat leaning one elbow on the bed and holding his head up. He would regret that in the morning.

He was holding her hand in a gentle grip but a grip nonetheless. When she tried to ease her hand out he tightened his grip. Okay. Big deal. Let him hold her hand. It wasn't like anyone would see it.

She ached from her knees to her diaphragm. There was a very pronounced tightness 'down there' that heralded questions to the doctor without Castle in the room.

She was receiving drugs and something clear via IV and – _Holy Shit! –_ _I'm engaged!_

She held the ring up and looked at it. She would bet her pension that it was the exact same ring she'd looked at and admired when Castle had dragged her off to the jewelers to pick out her ring.

'_I'm engaged! Why now? Am I so doped up that I forgot getting engaged?'_

She felt her face stretched to accommodate her smile. _'I'm engaged!'_

Back to serious thinking.

'_I miscarried. I lost the baby I didn't even know I had. What kind of a mother am I? It was Josh's baby and yet Castle's here. Josh couldn't possibly know but Castle does. Why is he still here? It wasn't his baby.'_

That's when the significance of the ring hit her right in the heart. It was a promise and a statement. He still wanted to marry her. He put the ring on her finger after knowing what had happened.

She remembered vaguely saying something about 'humiliation' and somehow the word 'marry' triggered a half-forgotten memory.

_I'd rather be unconscious for that particular humiliation._

* * *

><p>Wedding Boutique<br>Manhattan  
>30 months ago<p>

"Rick, this is the dress I want. I don't want a train that'll require the entire Precinct to carry along behind me. It's simple, like me. Gimme a veil and a handful of daisies and I'm ready to get married."

"Okay, if you're sure. Why don't you check out a couple of more boutiques before you decide?"

"Alexis, talk to him, please? My feet hurt, I've got a headache, I've tried on scores of dresses, and I've made my selection. Please talk some sense into him."

"Dad, it's her day. Let her wear the dress she wants. It's the bride's prerogative. It's tradition and I know you're really big on tradition."

"Okay, I can take the hint. Kate, that's the dress. It's you. Get a veil and shoes and we'll call it a day."

"I'm done. There's a veil and I have shoes at home. I'm hungry and I want fed. Alexis, when your time comes, you better remember this and keep your dad far, far away from things."

"Pumpkin, when your time comes, I'll be too old to do this stuff. Get yourself a wedding planner – unlike someone who is too damned stubborn to get one."

"Castle, Lanie's been a big help and so has Alexis. Even Gina pitched in. Look, feed me. Feed me. Feed me. Feed – "

"Got it. You're hungry. Fine." He flipped Kate his Amex card and walked out.

"Ooo, someone didn't get a nap today."

"He's been like this for a week now. Any daughter-stepmother insights you'd like to share, Lex?'

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnope." The word was drawn out painfully but playfully.

"Alexis Castle, you know something, don't you? Oh my God, he's having second thoughts, isn't he?"

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnope."

"You do know that once we're married, you'll be my daughter and subject to 'Kate's rules of comportment and behavior', don't you?"

"You don't play fair at all. You're already falling into 'wicked stepmother' mode. Is this what I have to look forward to?"

"So why is your father in grizzly-mode."

"Can't tell ya. Pinky-swore an oath."

"How old is he again?"

* * *

><p>'<em>Fickle Muse' <em>

New York City Yacht Club  
>May 2014<p>

The cab ride to the yacht basin seemed to take forever and neither Kate nor Alexis took kindly to having the only cabbie in New York who actually _obeyed the speed limit!_

They both ran down to the pier and Alexis jumped on board the outrigger and then clamored over one of the pylons and hopped on board.

'_Jesus, this thing is huge!'_ Kate knew zip about boats but could recognize the dynamics of the styling. Everything about it screamed speedy elegance.

'_Another secret he kept from me. Why? It's just a boat. I wouldn't have objected to taking it out. Why didn't he tell me about it?'_

Kate gingerly made her way over to the main hull of the catamaran and shakily sat down, exhaling loudly. She hated walking across narrow things that moved up and down and back and forth while she was wearing heels.

Alexis came out from the cabin. "He's not here, Mom! His bag is gone and I found a to-do list on the galley table. Not everything's checked off but look what's done already. He's leaving us!"

Kate took the list and tried to decipher handwriting that clearly showed a high level of stress and tension. The torsion strain on the pen he'd used to write it must have been enormous.

"Okay, passport, 2 checkmarks. Maybe he's taking you along?"

"No. Mine is in our apartment in California. Maybe it's yours?" Kate flinched when she said 'our apartment'. She was growing up and growing away from them.

"No. Mine's in the desk in our office. I ran across it yesterday when I was looking for some stuff. Your father's is missing, of course."

She remembered screaming at him to 'get the hell out!' and he'd detoured to his desk and taken out some documents before leaving. His face had looked like it had been carved from white marble. It was so lifeless.

"'Driver's license' has only one checkmark, but there are two by 'birth certificate' and 'checking accounts and checkbooks'. And only one beside 'Amex'. This is weird. It's like he's setting up a new - crap! He's setting up a new identity, Alexis! He's going to go underground and just – I don't know, drop out, start over? We have to find him before I lose him forever."

She looked over at Alexis and saw that she held her dad's cell phone in her hand. She looked torn up.

"He'd never leave his cell. Never. It's his office-on-the-go and his toy for when he's bored."

"Unless he has another one in a different name."

"You're the super-cop. How would you investigate this if it was a murder?"

"Let's start with calls he's received and calls recently made. I can call Espo – no, I can't. He'll tell me to shove up my butt. Lanie poisoned that particular well. No, that's not fair. I did. I left the bar with Josh. I went upstairs to a hotel room. Lanie just told everyone and anyone the facts."

"I don't want to hear about that. Not ever. That's the reason – look, keep it between you and my dad. But you better fix it. I know my dad. He doesn't fool around like this. He's serious. He's hurt and going to his cave like a bear except that his cave is gone - he gave it to you. Now he could be almost anywhere."

* * *

><p>Grand Central Station<br>May 2014

Castle paid cash for his round-trip ticket to Washington, leaving the return date open. He might spend the night and then take care of some loose ends in the security of a motel room.

He pulled out his new iPhone and fingered through the apps until he found one he'd bootlegged – iRecover – a not-so public app that Esposito had somehow gotten his hands on. He had literally copied his old phone over to his new one.

The old phone was deliberately left on the _Fickle Muse_ as a red herring – something to give any pursuers cause to pause and deliberate what it all meant. He was sure someone would find his old phone and his original personal documents in the galley, haphazardly hidden as if he'd been in a hurry.

Castle boarded the Amtrak and settled in for a nap. He was tired all the damned time any more. The emotional toll of the divorce and everything before it had taken a toll. He knew his depression was worsening and he knew it wouldn't just 'fix itself' but he loathed the idea of opening up to anyone.

He had always been able to talk to his wife but no longer. She called him at odd hours and left messages that he never listened to. She'd started doing that in the first 2 days following his expulsion from the loft. He listened to the first couple and then disregarded any subsequent ones. All she wanted to do was drag on what they both knew was finished the moment she said 'and I don't want to see you ever again'.

* * *

><p>'<em>Fickle Muse'<br>_New York City Yacht Club  
>May 2014<p>

Alexis almost dropped the phone when a custom ring tone announced an incoming call. Kate thought the song sounded familiar and wracked her brain for it's name.

"Hello, this is Alexis Castle. Who's calling please?" she put the phone on speaker so that Kate could hear both sides of the conversation.

Retired Bishop Alexander Richards sported a smile that he'd bet no one had ever seen on his ugly face – the smile of a grandparent talking with a grandchild for the first time.

"Alexis – it's so very nice to hear your voice. I'm – I don't know what to call myself when speaking to you. Has your father left yet?"

"Well, you can start by telling me who you are and we can proceed from there. And yes, I guess he's gone. He's not on the _'Muse'_ and his bag is gone. Do you know where he went?"

"I'm Alexander Richards and I'm - a friend of your father's. A very good friend. Richard was going to come down to see me. He wanted to talk and seemed very upset. Has something _else_ gone wrong in his life?"

"Excuse me but where's 'down' and he's never mentioned you before – ever."

"'Down' is Georgetown University and he and I met at your grandmother's funeral although your grandmother had introduced us years ago. I'm quite certain he would never remember that meeting. He was only 3."

Alexis handed Kate the phone and went below again. She was hoping to find clues as to what was going on in her dad's life.

"Hi, Mr. Richards, this is Kate Beckett. I'm Rick's – "

"Oh, yes. The amazing Kate. Richard's always talks about you. He's very much in love with you but perhaps not at this exact moment in time. He's in such emotional turmoil over his first wife's death and the circumstances that led to your separation and divorce."

"All he had to do was tell me the truth." He voice had an edge to it.

"So simple a solution. Tell me, Kate, do you have any secrets from Richard?"

* * *

><p><strong>Remember.<strong>


	10. Truth & Consequences

Thanks to the awesone 194. Thanks for the PMs too.

Pay **_strict attention to dates_**

**_OM_**

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and <span>Now_ by Oldest Man

May 2014

"Look, I don't think that's any business of yours – "

"I'll take that as a 'yes'. So, there are things you haven't shared because of a personal reluctance or perhaps, a promise made, correct? Well, Richard has an almost obsessive compulsion to keep his word. It probably all stems from his feelings of abandonment as a child with his mother's various divorces compounded by his various wives' inability to keep their word – their vows. You know he values loyalty above almost everything else."

"He seems to have shared more with you than with me." The cold, hard edge of 'Detective Beckett' rose up in self-defense.

"Kate, he hasn't told you who I am, has he?"

"No. I didn't know you existed until a few moments ago."

"Just as he didn't know that I existed until Marti's funeral."

"Marti?"

"Martha, his mother. I called her that when we were together."

"'Together' as in together-together?" That sounded lame even to her.

"For just a brief time and then it was three years before I saw her again and five years after that that she contacted me for information."

"Okay, we're not getting anywhere with what's happening with my husband. If you can help us, fine, otherwise, I would appreciate it if when you see Rick you'd ask him to call me or Alexis."

"I can help you understand what he's going through but little else. He's paying the price for being human, for keeping his promises, his vows, and it's slowly driving him deeper and deeper into depression. When he called and said he was in trouble and needed to talk – "

"Trouble! He's in trouble?" The hard edge was gone and the 'worried wife' made an appearance.

"It's not trouble with the law or anything like that. I think he believes he's done the right thing and that he's being 'punished' for it. It's causing the depressive spiral I've seen since the separation. Of course Meredith's death just heaped guilt upon guilt. My son is a very passionate and compassionate man who feels the various outrages of life more deeply than he wants people to think he does."

"Your son? You're Rick's father? How long have you known? Why didn't you contact him? How could you just ignore such a wonderful man for all these years? Are you married? Is that it? Didn't want to bring disgrace to the family by having a bastard child?"

"This conversation has strayed far from your original intent. Rick is coming down here to Georgetown by train and will probably spend the night in a hotel near here – Sleep Suites – where he almost always stays. He needs someone to unload on, to rant and rave at, and I fulfill that role at least for tonight. And I will answer his questions as best I can."

"I want to know how you could ignore such a wonderful man – "

He interrupted her and told her almost exactly what he'd told Rick at the gravesite. The only difference was that he shared some recent conversations.

"Katherine, he called me before going back out to California after you were shot and he was confused and angry – with you, himself and the situation in general – and we talked almost the entire night."

"That was one of the worst nights of my life. I told him that if he made me chose between him and my job that he'd lose."

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<br>24 months ago

"Beckett."

"Hey there, Detective Beckett-Castle, I need to fly out to LA for a meeting with some writers about the Heat2 movie. Wanna ride along? I don't want to be apart for a week. After 3 years of the chase, I really want to savor the spoils of my victory."

"You did, last night, remember? Besides, it was my victory. You chased me until I caught you. You were so easy. All I had to do was pretend I didn't like you and you were as good as married. No. You go have a good time and please, see if they can find someone to play Nikki who can act this time? The only reason it made so big a splash at the box office was because my doppelganger did that nude scene with Rook."

"You are so much more of a woman that she is. So much more. I mean so what if her boobs are bigger and her thighs – "

"Castle, you weren't complaining about size last night or this morning. Maybe you need to hang out in LA for a few weeks or even a month. Work on your tan, mastering the art of not putting your foot in your mouth."

"Fine. I meant it as a compliment, Kate. At least I know my wife is all natural. Silicone doesn't have that sexy jiggle or sway, that natural – "

"Rick, I'm at work. Phone sex is not going to happen. You'll just have to hold on to your fantasies until you get back."

"Fine. Love ya. See ya in a few days. Practice answering the phone 'Castle' and give me a thrill?"

"Have a safe trip. Call me whenever you can. Be careful out there and don't sign anything unless Paula approves it."

"Nag, nag, nag…"

"Boss, we got a body…"

"Gotta go, Kitten. Business is booming."

* * *

><p>Miracle Mile Studios<p>

Los Angeles, CA  
>24 months ago<p>

"Mr. Castle, you have an urgent phone call from a Detective Ryan. Shall I put it in the conference room?"

"Yeah. He should have called my cell." He took the phone over to window and looked out on Los Angeles.

"Castle, come home now. Kate and Esposito are both in the hospital. Beckett's still in surgery and Esposito's in the recovery room. Call me with your arrival info and I'll have a uniform and a patrol car pick you up."

"Ryan, damn it, what happened?"

"Can't talk. Lanie just came back from the recovery room and she's really upset. Come home, Rick. Now!"

* * *

><p>Castle Loft<br>21 months ago

"Rick, I won't break. It's okay to touch me, love. It doesn't hurt and I'd tell you if it did. We haven't made love since the shooting and I've got a clean bill of health from the doctor. I'm 100%, honey. I'm back in the game."

He treated her like she might break if he did more than gently hold her. Every time he saw the scar from the wound he got light-headed and wanted to vomit.

"I – I can't forget how pale and weak you looked. All those drains and monitors and the blood bags and all that other crap. I almost lost you, Kate. You almost died. If Ryan and that new guy hadn't been there you both would have bled out."

"Well, I didn't. You were there for me in the hospital and after. I don't think I've ever slept better than when you wrapped me up in your arms and whispered that you – "

"I want you to quit, Kate. I don't want to be a widower."

"Rick, it's my job. I know you went through hell but so did I. This is my job just like writing is yours. It's the only thing I have in life that makes me really happy."

"Don't I make you happy? Aren't you happy being with me?"

"That isn't what I meant. I love my job. It's what I do, it's who I am. I bring justice and closure and – "

"I've seen the this movie before, Kate, and I know how it ends. You forget that I've been out there with you. I know that every time you knock on a suspect's door Death might be waiting on the other side. Can't you just – think about taking the Lieutenant's Exam and getting out of the field and into management?"

"No! This is what I do. This is what I am. I won't quit just because you're afraid that someday – "

"That someday I'll get a call that you won't be coming home, that you died out there, alone, without me beside you? That call? I've already received a call that almost ended that way. I don't want another."

"Rick, don't make me choose. Please. Don't make me choose."

"I thought you already had - when we married. I thought you chose me, Detective Beckett."

"Rick, that's not fair! I'd never ask you to give up something you love. Why can't you show me the same respect."

"You are asking me to give up something I love – my wife. I know I'm being unfair in your eyes but damn it, I couldn't live without you, Kate. I watched you almost die and – and asking me to just wait for the damned call is unconscionable."

"If you force me to choose, Rick, you'll lose." In the dark of their bedroom she couldn't see the look of betrayal and hurt set hard on his face.

* * *

><p>He was in his office on the phone the entire night, and the next morning when Kate left for her first day back at the Precinct, he flew out to California. She hadn't even bothered to say goodbye.<p>

He spent the entire flight looking out the window at nothing at all, replaying the calls he'd made and received the night before and hoping for a better ending than he feared.

* * *

><p>Previous night<br>Castle's ManCave/Office

"Ricky baby, those changes are necessary to make the whole movie draw in the target demographic, the ones who buy movie tickets and spend money."

"No. I gave you the sexiest scenes I've ever written and I don't want them turned into almost-X crap just to meet your demographic's fodder for late night self-abuse. I married the real-life model for Nikki and she's not a slut and I won't have anyone seeing this turd-flick and thinking she is."

"Not your decision to make, Ricky. You're just a 'creative consultant'. The scene of her head bobbing over Rook's crotch is a keeper. No one knows there's no real contact. It's all done for the movies."

"I suppose Natalie Rhodes approves?"

"Who do you think thought of it?"

"Jesus, you're all frikkin' sex maniacs!"

"Well, coming from the man who wrote Nikki Heat's orgasms, I consider that a compliment."

"I'm coming back out there. I'll look at the scenes and punch them up some but this crap is going too damned far, even for Nikki Heat."

"Oh, goodie! We'll have Natalie pick you up at the airport. We'll get some good buzz going about the shoot and that'll translate into interest. E! will probably want to interview you, Ricky, so make some time available. Don't let Natalie eat up all your – time!" The head writer, a 3-dollar bill if ever there was one, tittered into the phone. He made Rick's skin crawl sometimes.

* * *

><p>LAX<br>Delta Arrivals

He was standing at baggage claim when Natalie slipped up behind him and hugged him.

"Oh, Castle, it's been ages. Turn around and say hello, you big man, you."

Castle turned and out of the corner of his eye he saw the video camera and then he was enveloped in Natalie Rhodes hot lips and writhing body.

"Castle, I was so wrong about you. You're definitely _not_ gay. So, these guys are taking care of your bags and I'm here to bring you up to speed on the shooting schedule and answer your creative questions. How's Beckett? I heard she got shot."

"It's Castle." He held up his ring finger displaying the wedding band. "She's 'Castle' but I prefer Kate. She's fine. Went back to work this morning, as a matter of fact."

"I know you're married, Rick. The whole damned planet knows. First you punch out that paparazzi asshat who tried to film Kate changing at the wedding and then the thing in Antigua, well, _everyone _knows she's your wife. You left little doubt in anyone's mind."

"Just so you know, Natalie."

"Fine. Look, I understand the blowjob scene rubbed you wrong but – "

"No. No BJs in my movie. You can run around in your thong with your boobs banging around but nothing more. Do you think for one minute that 'Beckett of the 12th' would do such a thing?"

"Well, it would be out of character considering she's probably frigid. Hey, that's an angle! Rook has to thaw her out before making love because she's frigid! You're here 10 minutes and saved the day. No wonder Nikki loves you so damned much!"

"Nikki's fictional. Kate's real. And right now, she's none too happy with me. But, if this obstacle can be considered removed, then drop me off at my hotel. I have a personal errand to run."

"Uh oh, trouble in paradise? Already? Tell me, Rick. Maybe I can help." Her 'help' as conveyed by her body language and touching left no doubt in Castle's mind what _she_ had in mind.

"I want her to quit being a cop. I almost lost her. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her."

"And she won't hear about quitting, will she? That's so Beckett. So what's it gonna be? Detective Castle or Detective Divorced Beckett? Surely you have a feeling, Rick?"

"Probably Beckett. She is her job. Her job is her. She won't quit and I won't back down."

"Your wife is a fool, Rick. A gold-plated, put-on-a-pedestal fool. If she really loved you, she'd quit. In a heartbeat. Nikki would quit if Rook asked her to. I'd give up this business if you asked me to."

* * *

><p>Beverly Hilton<p>

Castle checked in and was handed several messages. As expected, 3 were from Meredith, 1 from an agent asking if he wanted to 'change horses' and 1 from Kate. He called Kate back first.

"Beckett."

"So, that's your answer?"

"Rick, I wasn't expecting your call so soon. I just got back in and – "

"Yeah, well, my cell still works."

"You were in the air. Look, I'm sorry about last night. I guess I'm sorry about a lot of things. I should have at least said goodbye this morning before you flew out. I'm sorry."

"Look, if all this is preparation for a demand for a separation, just spit it out. I just want to have my wife safe and beside me for the rest of our lives. I suppose from your point of view that's 'controlling' but I can't change how I feel so get on with it. I know you're at work and you don't like personal issues intruding. I called back the number on the message form, that's all."

"I want to compromise. I'll take the Lieutenant's exam but you have to do something for me, Rick."

"I'm listening."

"I want you to come back."

"I've got a few more things to do out here. They're ruining the damned movie with sex and that's not how I wrote it. And I'm interviewing a new agent. And I have a damned party to go to tomorrow night."

"I don't mean 'come home', Rick, although I miss you. I meant come back to the 12th, just maybe a couple days a week. It would make things easier for us. Remember how we used to be when you were shadowing me?"

"You never asked me 'why' I wanted to quit shadowing you, Kate."

"I figured you finally had enough research for your books."

"It was never really about the books, Beckett, it was always about you."

"Think about it, Rick, please? A compromise. We can work on things over time. I just want you back with me. Is that so hard to understand?"

* * *

><p>Remember<p> 


	11. Chronological Entropic Catastrophies

I'm going to try and space these out. Daily updates aren't easy with my situation. Thanks to the awesome 173.

I guess the Justin Bieber/MTV crowd and the Estrogen Brigade are boycotting this fic. Their loss.

Some fluffy cloud moments. Pay attention to the last few paragraphs. Confluence.

OM

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and <span>Now_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 11

Beach Bungalow  
>Antigua<br>30 months ago

"Rick, wake up, husband. We have only 13 days left to enjoy this idyllic life before we have to return to the frozen North."

"No. I want to lie here and recover from the attack of the auburn-haired molester who kept sneaking in here and waking me up to perform incredible acts of physical contortion to satisfy her lust. I got to build up my strength. She said that now that she found me, I was hers to do with as she pleased. Thank God."

"Did I tell you how wonderful you made me feel last night and again this morning and how wonderful I'll make you feel if you manage to wake up and roll over?"

"I got the idea from 'Oh my God, Castle, it's so biiiiiiig' – and I seem to remember you performing acts of predation upon my aging body."

"If I didn't love you so much, I'd leave you here to sleep and go find some nice young hunk of a beach comber and let him show me his treasures. But I do, so up and at 'em. We'll grab some breakfast and then see what trouble we can get into."

"Treasures, huh? Like what? His dried seaweed aphrodisiac collection? The driftwood lamps he makes to hawk to the tourists?"

"Rick, I'm upping the ante. A co-ed shower and then breakfast and then we go do something honeymoonish. It's our honeymoon and sometime I want to wear that new bikini I bought just for you."

"You mean those postage stamps held together with dental floss?"

"I was thinking maybe some nude sun bathing? Our balcony catches the full sun and I'll need someone to massage coconut butter oil slowly and thoroughly into all those hard to reach places to keep me from burning. A sunburn would really make it hard for me to do this…"

"I'm up, I'm up. You don't play fair."

"Oh, you don't seem to be minding it much. In fact, I'd say you were up for some fun."

"If the boys could see you now – "

"I don't share, Rick. I'm a one-guy girl. And you're my guy."

* * *

><p>Topanga Canyon<br>Meredith's home  
>May 2012<p>

"Meredith, you should have come to me earlier. You shouldn't have had to bear this burden alone. Look, Alexis is at Stanford and she's just a hop away on a commuter plane. Don't shut her out of your life like this."

"Life? What life? I wear a goddamned wig for God's sake. My hair is gone and I puke and crap all the time. They say I need another mastectomy after I recover from this round of chemo-poisoning. What life?"

He was sitting beside her on a love seat beside her pool. Even broke and living on the edge, she still maintained the façade of the Hollywood Diva.

"I'll pay for everything from this moment on. I have money squirreled away from some stories and articles I wrote under another name over the past few years. It will more than cover anything you incur. But first, Mer, we have to talk about getting you out of this showcase and into somewhere you can manage."

"You just want me out of sight. You don't want anyone knowing that the _first_ wife of the great Rick Castle is a wasting-away walking corpse. Won't go well with the current Mrs. Castle either, will it?"

"Hey, you should have told me at Mother's funeral. You should have let me know. I thought you were hitting the coke again or something else. You looked like crap and you should have said something. Alexis thinks – "

"I don't care what Little Miss Perfect thinks. Or what any of those other women think. I'm scared, Ricky. I can't make a living. I'm living on residuals and royalties and your alimony checks. No one will touch me. The insurance costs of filming are too exorbitant."

"Meredith! Shut up for one damned minute. First, you're too sick to act – unless they are making a zombie movie and need extras, of course – "

She laughed and laughed until she started to cough and he forced a little water on her.

"Rick, I never should have divorced you. You always know what to say to bring me back to earth. I didn't tell you about this cancer at Martha's funeral because I was too worried about _you._ You weren't mourning, you weren't talking or anything. Dumping this on you then would have been so cruel and I couldn't do that to you. I love you, Rick. And lovers, even divorced ones, still care."

"Mer, you're Alexis' mother and I love you for that. Please don't cut her out of your life. She'll need her mother now more than ever. Don't rob her of these months or years."

"No. I don't want her seeing me like this. Promise me, Rick, promise me you'll keep this secret from everyone. Especially _Kate! _I don't need pity, especially not hers. I can beat this, Ricky, I can. I just need a little help financially and maybe, every once in a while, you could stay with me for a while. Just like old times. You're the only one who ever made me feel like – "

"Meredith, I promise. I'll be there financially and I'll come see you but no, it will not be like old times. We both used each other too many times since the divorce. I'm married. I love her. I won't ever break my vows to her. Always and forever, that's what I vowed and that's how it will be."

"Fine. But you keep your promise and I'll talk to Alexis on the phone as often as I can. We'll have the time together, darling man, just not face to corpse. I don't think I could stand seeing the pity in her eyes. It's bad enough seeing it in yours."

"Mer – "

"Go see about listing this place for sale and finding me a dark place I can store my coffin in. Hey, no long face. You made me smile and I don't do that often any more. Just find me someplace where no one will know who I am but close enough to the butcher's that I won't have to spend the night someplace."

* * *

><p>August 2013<br>Stanford University

"Now remember, honey, she's an adult and this guy is important to her. She wouldn't have asked us to come out here for his graduation and to meet him if he was just another roll-in-the-hay."

"Kate! My little girl does _not_ roll in any hay. She's pure and chaste and – why are you smiling? What do you know? Has she talked to you about – how could you not have shared that? Oh, God, she's pregnant, right? I'll kill him right after the wedding. You'll break me out of jail, right, Kate?"

There was no way she was going to share some of the conversations she had with her daughter. He was far too old-fashioned about things where his Alexis was concerned. How would he ever handle the questions she'd asked about contraception and other more intimate things. Dads never were allowed to know.

"Rick, this guy is special to her. Don't embarrass her and don't you dare pull an Esposito on him. Just be glad you're hearing about him now and not like a month before the wedding."

"Wedding? She's getting married? I'll kill 'im. She's only 20. She's got her whole life ahead of her. She shouldn't be burdened at her age and point in life with a husband!"

"Oh? And at what age should she be burdened?" Frosty Kate appears. Lately her husband's been distant, almost cold, and she had hoped this trip would be a relaxing time for both of them.

Rick wasn't stupid. He recognized the warning signs. He saw the look and heard the tone. Better to withdraw intact than fight against the odds.

"Fine. I'll be good." _'It's not my behavior I'm concerned with. It's hers. My little girl – not so little anymore. Damn! It sure sucks to be old.'_

"Good. Listen, I can't fly down to LA with you. I had to move a lot around to get this weekend off. You just get done what you have to get done and come home, honey. The loft is too big and lonely without you."

"I wonder if we should unload the loft? The market's soft but I've had a few inquiries in the past year. Want to find something closer to work? It's just the two of us and we really don't need all that room."

"Rick, it won't always be just the two of us. I mean, I guess I'm supposing something about – "

"Rick! We're going to be late. You can't – ooh, I guess we'll – "

"I want a little Kate to spoil and adore. Promise me a daughter, Kate. Boys are way too much trouble."

They were right on time for the ceremony, arriving exactly as the guest speaker began to drone on and on about the bright and shiny future that was waiting for them to shape. The Dumb Ass had no idea what he was talking about.

After Graduation

"Mom, Dad, this is Joe Flynn, my boyfriend. Joe's a PhD candidate and doing work on particle physics. He just went through the Master's program in a year and now he's fast tracking to his doctorate."

Kate gave him a warm handshake and a hug and then turned to her husband who was staring at the young couple.

"Rick, you promised." She whispered and elbowed him in the ribs to get his attention.

"Yeah, that's great. So, Joe, you and Alexis, you're serious about one another? I mean she's just 20 and you're what? 30?"

"Dad! He's a genius. He's 25 and whipped through college in 3 years, did his Masters in one and he'll have his PhD in two years. He's already been published and has a fellowship lined up to work on finding the God Particle. Isn't that cool?"

"Mr. Castle, we're taking it slow. I know you worry about her, hell, I worry about her. She lives so fast and she's a pusher. I think she has more ambition for me than I do."

"Rick. Call me Rick. I know I seem disapproving but the last time I checked she was 13. Damn but it sucks to be old. So, Joe, what are your prospects? Going to teach at some Ivy League school or stay in research?"

"Rick!" Kate glared and Alexis wished she could just hide somewhere.

"It's a legitimate question. I mean, once he finds this God Particle, what then? What's left?"

"That's a good question, Mr. – uh, Rick. Once we find the particle then it's like opening up an entire new field and I'll be in great demand and if it's money you're worried about, don't be. I write for a few journals and the fellowship comes with a hefty stipend. And just so you know, we're not contemplating marriage. Not yet. I want her educated and working in the field of her choice. She won't be happy unless she's – happy. That sounds lame, even to me."

Castle made snap decision. "Joe Flynn, welcome to the Circus Castle. Just don't hurt her, Joe. My wife knows people and they know people and they'd never find – "

"Castle!"

"Dad!"

"What? It's true. Tell him, Kate. It's the truth."

"Let's go find something to eat. And drink. Alexis, he's your father. I love him. I will not kill him for you."

* * *

><p>May 2014<br>Kate and Rick's Father's conversation continuation

"He left here a slightly less depressed but certainly more decisive man. He contacted his daughter and together they sat with Meredith until she died. He never said a word about you the entire time but I could tell you were always in his thoughts, always."

'_Always and forever' was what he said to me that night at my apartment. He never broke his word. He broke his own heart instead.'_

"Would it do any good if I just 'dropped by' tonight? He won't talk to me; he won't answer emails, texts, voicemails. He's cut himself off and it's my fault."

"Ah, great minds travel in the same direction. I think it would be best if you could arrive before he did. Can you fly here? I think Richard is a little strapped for funds these days. He's taken the train."

"_My client has given you every single penny he earned during the period of your…marriage, as well as the loft and the house."_

"Where will you be? I will be there before him if I have to buy a damned plane. I'll be down there before him. Please text me the address and I'll be there. I just – I don't want him to think you betrayed him. You're his father and – "

"Let me worry about his reaction to this, Kate. You just be here. We'll talk and plot and have things in order before he gets here."

"So you know all about the thing with Meredith? I thought he was having an affair with her. He never told me a thing about it. He never defended himself, not once. Not even when I waved the bank statements in his face. He went out to the coast and asked me to check his mail at a box he never really used and – "

"My God, he wanted me to find out! He knew I'd snoop. He knew I'd find out and demand answers. He knew and he did it anyway. Why?"

"He was so conflicted, so at war with himself. I don't know why, maybe it was his subconscious trying to settle the internal strife, I don't know. We never spoke of it. In fact, all I really know about the divorce is what I read in the papers and the press releases and that disgusting display of Freedom of the Press that ruined my son's reputation."

"That was my lawyer's doing. Ex-lawyer. I had no idea it was going to run and make our private lives the topic of conversation at the dinner table for the whole damned city!"

* * *

><p>Ah, you forgot.<p> 


	12. The Sound of One Hand Clapping

Coming up on the end. Thanks for hanging in there. I owe it to you to finish it.

_Then and Now_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 12

May 2014

Kate fumed and paced and finally got someone who spoke English and would listen to reason on the phone.

"Listen, I need to get to Washington, DC. It's a matter of life and death. My ex-husband is meeting with his father and we're trying to find a way for us to get back together."

"No! Not me and my father-in-law! That's sick! I need to beat my husband to DC. He's on Amtrack and I really need to be in Georgetown before he gets there."

"No, that won't do at all. What else do you have?"

"Okay, tell me this. How much does it cost to charter one of your planes?"

* * *

><p>Amtrak<br>New York to Washington

Rick dozed fitfully, his half-awake dreams fluttering through his mind. He didn't look forward to the conversation with his father. It was hard enough talking about leaving his life behind him and starting over knowing that he might never again see the man he'd grown to respect, admire and love as his father.

On a scale of 1-10 his headache was a pounding 14. He rested his forehead against the cool glass of the coach window and tried to sleep.

He dreamed first of his mother, beautiful in her 20s but rapidly aging and decaying until there was nothing left but dust.

Meredith played in his dreams with Alexis who was about 3. They were at the beach in Malibu and both his redheads had sensitive skin and when he rubbed the sun block over Meredith's skin, she shed her hair and then various body parts. First an arm, then a leg and finally her breasts until she was nothing more than scarred skin-covered bones and then she was nothing.

He turned to Alexis but she was gone, taken away by a young man who would protect her, cherish and adore her while he searched for God and His misplaced particle. The pain in his heart was incredible but his dream-Castle just smiled and waved goodbye.

And then he dreamed of Beckett, his Kate, walking down a dark and narrow hallway lit only by naked bulbs hanging on wires from the ceiling. She crept along the paint-shedding walls and finally stopped outside a door. She was followed by Josh Davison who occasionally fondled her ass and smiled.

"He's in there. I can sense it. He's in there and he's waiting. Let's get this over and done with." She blew Josh an air kiss and mouthed 'later, lover'.

Esposito and Ryan had a battering ram and after swinging it in practice several times, they knocked down the door and stepped out of the line of fire.

Castle was standing there in the room where the door had been shattered and was hanging by one hinge and he saw his beautiful wife. Ex-wife. She carefully aimed her Glock 40 at him and then smiled that one special smile reserved only for him. She squeezed the trigger and shot him again and again. In the heart.

He awoke with a start and felt his chest and then looked at his hands. He expected to see blood and was momentarily stunned that he hadn't. Castle got up and walked shakily to the lavatory and splashed water on his face. His hands wouldn't stop shaking and he kept reliving the dream.

Freud would have a field day with this.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<br>Homicide Squad Room  
>February 2014<p>

"Lanie, I really need to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes?"

"Sure. No meat on the table so I'm finishing up paperwork and you know how I love my paperwork."

"Good. 20 minutes."

"Guys, I'm running over to Lanie's. If Castle calls, tell him I'm busy."

Esposito looked at Ryan who was painfully aware of the situation that had developed between Castle and his boss, Detective Dragon. He'd made the error of answering the phone and learning more that he needed to know about the personal lives of his friend the novelist and his wife, Ryan's boss.

It seemed that Beckett was filing for separation and divorce in one fell swoop over some rumors and other crap that Castle was banging half the broads on the West Coast. He knew it wasn't true because – he knew Rick Castle. He would never break his vows. Everyone knew that.

"So, you think she's going to go through with it?"

"I don't know. I shouldn't have told you because I know you told Lanie and now Bec – Castle's going to know that you told Lanie and that I told you."

"You really think Rick's out there running wild with all that California strange when he went nuts when she got hurt?"

"Look, all I know is the attorney told her it was a clear case of adultery and abandonment and he had pictures and proof as well as bank statements. She says he's hooking up with his first wife, the hottie from the movies, Lexi's mom. Attorneys got snitches and spies and PI's all over the planet. I figure where there's smoke there's fire – but NOT with Rick Castle. No way."

"Even heroes have weak moments – look at Brett What's his name – the football player. He sent pics of his junk to some broad and she nark'd on him and he's toast."

"Esposito, google Meredith Rodgers and see what you find. Then you come tell me Rick Castle's been keeping a mistress all these years. No way."

* * *

><p>Medical Examiner's Office<p>

"Lanie, I'm divorcing Castle. I found out that he's been paying for Meredith's expenses for almost two years from secret bank accounts. He's been making up excuses to spend time out on the West Coast and it's just so he can play house with his ex-wife."

"Girl, you better quit smoking that crack. Castle's not keeping some honey on the side. You didn't see the man who ran into the hospital demanding to see his wife and threatening to tear down the building brick by brick if he had to wait more than another minute."

"Yeah, well, I got cancelled checks and everything. He's been fooling around. He admitted to me that he and Meredith had occasional 'flings' when she was in town before we married. I'm surprised he didn't make up some excuse to spend time with her when Martha died."

"Kate Beckett, that's a hateful thing to say. He loves you more than life itself."

"Then why did he refuse to shadow me after – "

"He was afraid. He was afraid he'd have to watch you die because he made some dumb mistake. He didn't want to be the reason you got hurt or worse so he quit. We talked about it. After you were hurt he asked me what it would take to get you to quit or take a job in admin or management. He knew you'd never leave but still he cared enough to try even after you told him if he pushed, he'd lose."

"It was probably all a damned act. He just wanted me to walk away so he'd have a clear conscience."

"Kate, you better stop and think about this. This is Richard Castle we're talking about. He could have had you between the sheets without going to all this trouble. He's a good and honorable man and you're going to piss this all away because of _bank statements_ that he made no attempt to hide?"

"My attorney says he has more proof. Pictures. Dates, times, rent and medical receipts. He's been keeping her because her career cratered and he's getting a lot of payback in the sack!"

"Have you seen this alleged proof, Kate? It's not like you to go to 'court' without proof – preferably a confession."

"I confronted him! I waved the statements in his face and he never said word one. I threw his cheating ass out and I never, ever want to see him again!"

"Something's not right here, Kate. Rick's not like that. He'd fight back – "

"Unless the worthless S.O.B. was _guilty!"_

"Kate Castle – "

"No! It's Beckett! Detective Beckett. I never should have let him talk me into marrying him."

Lanie was a Medical Doctor and she had sworn an oath. Worse, she'd promised Richard Castle that she'd never breathe a word about what he showed her and the questions he'd asked.

* * *

><p>18 months earlier<p>

"Dr. Parish."

"Lanie, Rick Castle. How about I take my favorite M.E. to lunch. I got something to run by you and I want your honest opinion about some medical crap. How about it?"

The 'medical crap' was a heavily censored medical file of tests, diagnoses, x-rays, procedural notes and results, biopsies and various opinions.

"What do you want me to say, Castle? This individual is past help. There's no hope. No wonder cures. It's fully metastasized and it's only a matter of time. I don't practice on the living, Rick, but if this woman's body was on my table, my COD would be 'metastatic carcinoma' or complications thereof. Probably pneumonia or some other simple thing that will kill her. I'm sorry for your friend."

"I just wanted an unbiased opinion. It's someone close to me and I just wanted to know if it was time to quit pushing and start accepting. I appreciate the candor. And I also appreciate your complete confidentiality."

She reached across and grasped his hand. "Castle, who is this patient? Is it someone we both know? My God, it's not Alexis, is it?"

"No! No. Lexie's in great health. No. It's just a dear friend that I've been looking after since – she's – it's Meredith, Alexis' mother but you can't tell anyone. I promised. I'm going to Hell for telling you but I know you won't break your oath anymore than I'd break mine."

"How long?"

"Since she hunted me down in LA and begged for help. She was sick, broke, and had no hope. She won't see Alexis. She doesn't want her to see her this way. I promised her I'd be with her and that she wouldn't die alone. I have to keep that promise, Lanie, no matter what the cost. My mother died alone and I'm so afraid that Kate might die alone if – thanks. I've taken up enough of your time. She's only got a little time left. I'm balancing a shaky marriage and a movie production and her and I'm going to drop a ball eventually."

"Have you told your wife? She deserves to know, Rick. She can help – "

"Meredith hates Kate and made me promise never to tell her anything about this. Remember how bad she looked at Mother's funeral? She was recovering from a mastectomy and chemotherapy."

"Castle, this is not going to end well for you, you know that, don't you?"

* * *

><p>Medical Examiner's Office<p>

February 2014

"Lanie, I'm divorcing him – I'm filing today. It only takes 90 days and then he can go back to his precious Meredith and spend the rest of his life wondering if she's going to leave him for the pool boy. They deserve each other."

A tear rolled down Lanie's cheek. She desperately wanted to tell Kate the truth but she was bound by her oath and her word.

"Don't tell me you're crying for that worthless two-timing S.O.B!"

"No, I'm crying for you. Don't do this, Kate, I'm begging you. Talk to him. Don't turn your back on him. You have no idea what's going on except what a damned lawyer with his hand in your purse tells you."

"I'm going there now. Meet me for drinks after? I need a friend, Lanie."

"Fine. But I'm telling you right now, reconsider! Don't abandon a man who only wants – "

"Are you choosing him over me, Lanie?"

"Beckett, go. File for divorce. I'll see you tonight. I need a drink more than you do."

* * *

><p>Four hours later<br>Oak Room Lounge

Kate sat at the bar and waited for her friend. She was looking at her wedding rings and wondering if she should take them off now or wait until the papers were filed? Technically she was still married, just separated.

"Well, never thought I'd run into you here. How's married life treating you, Katie?"

"Josh! It's been a long time. Why are you here?" He looked as good now as he had before. She'd been blinded by Castle's suffocating presence in her life.

"I'm transferring back here to take over the Cardiology Unit at Presby. Got a room upstairs and a bottle. Want to head up and catch up on old times?" He could sniff out a 'wounded woman' and Kate was definitely wounded and thus very vulnerable.

"I'm meeting someone. Remember Lanie? I need some booze and a friendly ear. Filed for divorce today."

"I've got two ears. We have history and I've got a bottle." He leaned in and kissed her and she responded hungrily and soon they broke it off and hurried off to the elevators and his room.

She'd show that son of a bitch that she was not to be trifled with.

Lanie stood at the end of the bar almost in tears. Not only had she filed for divorce, she was upstairs breaking her vows made to a man whose only crime was loving his family and friends and caring far too little for his own well-being.

"Kate Castle – you are no longer my friend. You are dead to me." An old curse but an effective one. Esposito would know what to do. He'd listen. And then he'd act. Supervisor or not, Katherine Beckett was about to learn the value of loyalty and honor.

She turned and left the bar and walked out into the darkening street.

"Lanie?"

"C-Castle, what are you doing here?" He'd just paid off a cab and had two large suitcases and his laptop.

"I'm sure you know, Lanie, so let's not play games. I'm getting a room here for a while until another place becomes livable. I'd ask you up to talk but it wouldn't be right. You're Kate's friend. I won't allow what has happened to come between you two."

"Rick – she filed for separation and divorce today. She's up there right – "

"Divorce? Well, that goes right along with 'I never want to see you again in my life' nicely. So going in or coming out? I could use a drink and it's a public place and no one will – "

"Yeah, a few drinks. Maybe more. Rick, you should have told her. It doesn't matter now. Meredith's dead, I'm sorry, but she is. You should have told her."

"I don't break my word or my vows. Even with the dead. Maybe a drink isn't such a good idea. I might not be able to stop and then I'd make an ass of myself going over to the loft and begging her to – "

"No! Booze, no begging. She isn't worth it. Not if she – not if she allows this to go on."

"She's only doing what's right given her perspective." He would defend her even now.

"What's she's _doing_ is disgusting." She had an image of Beckett and her boytoy rutting in heat.

"Lanie, maybe you better just head on home. This is upsetting you more than it should. She's your friend – "

"No! Not any more. I listened to her for years go on and on about honor, loyalty and justice and duty and – no, not any more. Just call Esposito to come get me if I start making a fool of myself."

He ended up calling Esposito about 9:30 to come take her home. She wasn't making sense any longer, making wild claims about Kate banging Josh for 'old times sake'.

* * *

><p>You get a pass.<p> 


	13. Time in a Bottle

_Then and Now_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 13

St Francis Hospice Center  
>Echo Park, CA<br>March, 2014

Alexis hung on her father and sobbed as he gently led her out of the room where her mother's mortal remains were being prepared for 'final disposition' and out into the atrium.

"Alexis, your mother was so happy and relieved when you came. I told you she would be. Even though she could barely talk, the love she had for you could be seen in her eyes and the way she never stopped touching you."

They were quiet together, each in their own thoughts, father embracing daughter, each supporting the other by their very presence.

"Yeah. What now? I mean, hell, I don't know what I mean. I need to call Joe and let him know my schedule and I have to make arrangements to go back to New York with you for at least a few days. You shouldn't be alone now, especially not now. And I want to be here for the funeral."

"She wanted to be cremated and have her ashes spread out into the ocean. She was into some New Age stuff about 'rejoining the Cycle'. I didn't pretend to understand I just nodded my head at the appropriate times. Look, there's no need for you to come back to New York. I have some movie crap to deal with out here and then I think I'm going to take the _Muse_ out for a spin."

"Daddy, you haven't been on her since – are you sure she's even seaworthy?"

"Had the yard careen and steam her, then check out all her systems and a chandler outfitted anything that needed repaired or replaced. All she needs is me and a good wind. I need some 'alone time' to get my head straight."

"Will Kate be out for the funeral?"

"What funeral? You saw how many people came to visit? None, not one. Not even her old boyfriend – the pool boy. I won't give those pricks a chance at getting on TV and I won't have her turned into some Hollywood spectacle. Nope. Quiet departure, minimal fuss. Just like I want. You go back to Stanford and reconnect with that Mad Scientist of yours and get back to your studies and I'll wrap things up here and head back East."

"You aren't going to tell her, are you, Dad? You're just going to go on as If nothing happened and let her divorce you and take everything you've built away from you, aren't you?"

"All I've 'built' has been a lot of paper and ink and she can never take that away, not that she'd want it. Nope. She's made up her mind and I won't break my word to your mother, especially not now. I don't want Meredith haunting me for the rest of my days."

She smiled at his joke even though it was probably true. Her mother was strong-willed and would probably haunt him if anyone could.

"I'll tell her. She needs to know. It's why she filed. She thought you were keeping a mistress. Nothing could be farther from the truth."

"I forbid you to say a single thing to her. By definition, I _was_ 'keeping' Meredith although not for the normal reasons. In her eyes, I betrayed her, set her apart, kept secrets. It's probably better this way, Pumpkin. She won't quit and I can't live with her being in constant danger. Immovable object meets writer. Object wins every time."

"If you just told her why you want her to quit, if you explained – "

"I did. We 'compromised'. She took the Lieutenant's Exam and failed it by a few points. That was the deal. I'd go back to occasionally shadowing and she'd take the exam. We both kept our words and then she failed – probably deliberately – and she can't take it for another year so – "

"You're saying she deliberately failed? That's so not like Kate – she never fails at anything!"

"Go call Joe. I need to make arrangements with the mortuary. Tell him you'll be flying up later today and to meet you. You're no longer needed here, Alexis. You need to get back to your life."

* * *

><p>Castle went to find the social worker that handled arrangements and Alexis walked outside to call Joe but hit another speed dial – by mistake?<p>

"Beckett."

"Ah, Mom, I, uh, I hit the wrong speed dial, sorry. I'll let you get back to work. I have to call Joe."

"Alexis, I wanted to talk to you about – about things. Do you have a moment?"

"No. I really have to call Joe. I need to talk to him. I really, really need to talk to him." She started to cry again. She really needed to talk to Kate but her father's words made that impossible.

"Lexi, what's wrong? Are you in trouble? Hurt? Do you need – "

"No! I need you and Dad back together. You have no idea at all what you've done to us. He's empty now and it's all your fault! He gave you everything, did everything you asked even when the fear ate him up, he still did what you asked and you turned on him when he needed you and – "

"Alexis, you don't know – "

"Don't tell me I don't know! Do you know where I am? Do you have any idea where your husband is? He's where he's been on and off for the past year. He's – I can't. I promised. You do what you want. Go ahead, fail the damned exam again just so you can say you kept up your end of the deal – "

She was rambling and crying and Kate was lost in the conversation.

"Alexis Castle, just exactly where are you?" The tone and spacing of the words made it a demand, not a question.

"I'm where you should be. I'm with him – I have to go. He'll be furious with me if – I have to go."

"Alexis! Alexis!" She put down the phone and began brainstorming.

_Something had happened and she had to talk to Joe. She was obviously very upset and started in on me about the divorce and how much her father had sacrificed. Humph. She obviously didn't have a clue about her father's 'sacrifices'. She's 'where I should be' and she knows about the Lieutenant's exam and my failure. She's with him but why would he be furious with her?_

She looked over at her two 'team' members and grimaced. Obviously they'd heard her side of the conversation and were once again behind the damned 'Blue Wall' of theirs. As often as she tried, they still only spoke when spoken to and any discussions were limited to current cases. 'Boss' and 'Becks' were unused. It was almost always 'Detective Beckett' with the occasional slip of 'Detective Castle'.

She knew that both of them had requested transfers to other Homicide Units but had been told no positions were available by Montgomery. Normally such requests came through the 'supervisor' and Kate took note that each of the detectives had requested 'only your signature, Detective', before taking the paperwork in to the Captain.

She needed her best friend to talk to but she was divorcing him and Lanie Parish hardly spoke to her even on issues related to a case, passing information on through Ryan or Esposito instead.

* * *

><p>February 2014<p>

'_Dr. Parish.'_

"Hey, Lanie, it's Kate. Sorry about last night but something came up unexpectedly and I – "

'_Is there something specific you needed, Detective?'_

"I just wanted to apologize for standing you up last night, that's all. Listen – "

'_Detective, unless this is related to an on-going investigation or a similar matter, please don't waste my time.'_

"Whoa! Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. I just called – "

'_At least it was my own bed, Detective. Now, as I said, unless this call is related to an on-going case, please do not waste my time!'_

She heard a loud click as the phone was slammed down.

* * *

><p>May 2014<br>Beckett's loft

Kate recalled the conversation and finally 2+2=4. The Blue Wall had descended that day. The day after she'd run into Josh and – crap! Lanie knew! '…_my __own__ bed…'_

Everything made sense now. The transfer requests, the cold shoulder from Lanie, the Blue Wall treatment from her team mates. She'd broken the unwritten rule – though shalt not screw over thy partner – and in this case it was twice as bad. She'd divorced him, too.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Now – right this minute. Chronological convergence.<span>**

* * *

><p>Kate slammed down the phone and grabbed the phone book and looked up 'Air Charters' and made a few calls and finally got someone to fly her from a small strip in New Jersey to Reagan Int'l in DC. He couldn't leave for another three hours and she did the math and it left her more than 90 minutes to get in position to ambush Rick after arriving in DC.<p>

If she was going to successfully pull this off, she needed more information. Taking a deep breath she dialed another number from those on Rick's cell phone.

"Hey, Rick, nice to hear your voice. How are you holding up?"

"He's not doing well at all, Shelby. This is Kate Castle. Alexis and I found out that Rick's taken the train to DC to meet with his father and then he's going to go under the radar with a new identity. I can't let that happen. I made a horrible mistake and I have to make it right."

"What mistake was that? That you didn't know about the _Fickle Muse_ and you want it, too? He gave you everything when he didn't have to. We would have _kicked your ass_ in court. You didn't have ONE shred of evidence and we had all kinds of stuff that would have had the jury in tears and you'd be paying him alimony."

"I don't care about the Cat, I care about him. He's lost and going to make a horrible mistake and I can't let him do it. I want my husband back, safe and sound. I have this huge hole in my chest where my heart used to be and – "

"Save it. What do you want?"

"I told you, Shelby – "

"Give me one good reason why I should help you? He's my client and my friend. You thought we were humping like bunnies and all he was doing was trying to set up 'safe havens' for you, his ex-wife and his daughter so that Estate Tax wouldn't leave you penniless if something happened to him."

'_Ex-wife? Why would he even care what became of Meredith?'_

"Okay, I was wrong to accuse you of – "

"You thought he was shacking up with Meredith when he was out on the West Coast and using the movie as a cover but – you know what? Figure it out. Meredith's dead. Figure it out."

* * *

><p>Remember, all times converged unless specific references to times gone by.<p>

* * *

><p>another pass. OM<p> 


	14. Final Confrontation

_Then and Now_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 14

Since it's taken me a while to dig my story out of a hole I'd written it into, here are some refresher quotes:

"_Give me one good reason why I should help you? He's my client and my friend. You thought we were humping like bunnies and all he was doing was trying to set up 'safe havens' for you, his ex-wife and his daughter so that Estate Tax wouldn't leave you penniless if something happened to him."_

'_Ex-wife? Why would he even care what became of Meredith?' Kate thought._

"_Okay, I was wrong to accuse you of – "_

"_You thought he was shacking up with Meredith when he was out on the West Coast and using the movie as a cover but – you know what? Figure it out. Meredith's dead. Figure it out."_

And Castle's still on the train where I left him:

Amtrak

New York to Washington

Rick dozed fitfully, his half-awake dreams fluttering through his mind. He didn't look forward to the conversation with his father. It was hard enough talking about leaving his life behind him and starting over knowing that he might never again see the man he'd grown to respect, admire and love as his father.

* * *

><p><strong>Remember, all times are contemporaneous unless indicated.<strong>

Reagan Int'l Airport  
>Shuttle Airways Terminal<p>

Fr. Alexander Richards stood waiting for his former and hopefully, soon to be again, daughter-in-law's King Air 10 to finish its taxi-run to the terminal entrance and shut down its twin turboprops. He fully intended to make this meeting pleasant but brief as they had less than 90 minutes to plan a course of action that would bring his son back to his wife.

The pilot lowered the door with built-in steps and deplaned and offered a hand to a tall, slim woman who looked like she belonged at a photo shoot rather than an airport. She was wearing a tailored suit and heels and carried a large shoulder bag.

She walked into the terminal like a jungle cat on the prowl for prey. Her glanced passed over him as she looked for an older man who said he'd meet her.

'Tardiness must be a genetic trait amongst Rick's forebears', Kate thought as she glanced at her father's watch and sighed.

"Katherine?" The tall man walked over to her and she was shocked, although it took quite a bit of control not to show it, that the man who addressed her was a Catholic priest!

"_You're _Castle's father?", she asked with a mixture of scorn and disbelief.

"Father Alexander Richards, but I'd prefer it if you would simply call me Alec. The 'collar' won't come between us, will it, Katherine?"

"N-No, no it won't. I'm just – surprised is all. From our conversation, I figured you were a retired college professor not a – a priest!"

"Actually, it's 'Bishop' Richards, but I've retired and the title remains as an honorific only, and I do lecture at the Georgetown now and again. Now, enough of these opening moves, what are we going to do to prevent my son from ruining the rest of his life?"

The older man was definitely Castle's father, of that Kate had no doubt. The resemblance, the way he carried himself, some of his mannerisms, were clearly shared by father and son.

"I think the best thing is for us to confront him with a fait accompli, me being there, and you graciously excusing yourself and then allowing me to throw myself at his feet and grovel and beg forgiveness. I think that should work."

"He'd walk away at the first sign of groveling, Katherine. He knows you too well. You, his 'amazing Kate', would never grovel or beg."

"Well, this time 'his amazing Kate' has too much to lose to pride and being stubborn and unyielding and obstinate."

The older man sighed, ran his hands over his hair, another trait he and his son shared, tonsorial rearrangement when frustrated.

"Kate, you have to meet him on equal terms. He still loves you. He never stopped loving you. The fact that he divested himself of almost everything when he clearly would have prevailed in court is proof of that. Now, my car is just outside. I suggest we get moving. He'll go to the hotel first as is his habit. That should be your ambush site."

"Fath – er, Alec, I'm not going to ambush him. I simply need to talk with him in a non-threatening environment, lay out my perceptions, my errors, find common ground, and build on it. Then, if my hopes are realized, _WE, _he and I, will drop by in the morning to ask you to marry us again."

"Oh. That would be an interesting situation. A Father-'Father' marrying his son. A first since early church history, I'm sure. Richard would write an entire novel around that scene."

They both laughed as they walked out to the car. Castle could write a novel about it and turn it into a mystery bestseller in the bargain.

* * *

><p>Union Station<br>Washington DC

Castle stepped off the Amtrak coach and looked around to see if his father had changed his mind at decided to meet him after all but saw no sign of the tall man. It was just as well. He wasn't in the mood for a father-son talk at the moment. He was still thinking through the dreams he'd had on the train.

And his thoughts were dark and full of despair.

He made his way through the large lobby and marveled once again at the architecture and murals. Unless the politicos got a bug up their butts and decided to 'build something modern' the station would stand for another hundred years.

Castle caught a cab to his hotel, actually a motel that featured suites, and laughed to him self. The days of taking cabs and calling for a car service were over until he penned another bodice-ripper under the nom de plume of Alexandra Rich and began getting fat checks again. He laughed again when he thought back to the meeting with Shelby Turner.

"_You're__ Alexandra Rich? You wrote __Love on the Rocks__, __Monica and Monaco__?" She secretly read _romance_ novels and Alexandra Rich wrote the most steamy sex scenes without ever referring to an anatomical area by its correct name. She almost always smiled when she thought about 'soft mounds with turgid peaks' and 'muscles gripping and caressing his pulsing –'_

"_Yep. That's where most of this money came from. Amazing what you can do with a Thesaurus and a little bit of imagination. I always hired an older actress to attend the readings and signings. That's her picture on the back of each book. The bio is so much BS and the picture's been – enhanced somewhat."_

* * *

><p>Between the traffic and a detour it took almost an hour to reach his motel suite. He checked in ("It's good to have you with us again, Mr. Castle. Your suite is ready, of course.") and trudged wearily to the elevator.<p>

The clerk waited until Rick had gotten on the elevator before calling his room.

"Ma'am, he's on his way up. He looks really tired. I hope the surprise you have for him isn't too much for him. I mean he looks exhausted." He was $200 richer for his trouble.

* * *

><p>Suite 406<p>

Castle swiped the key card and the door lock released and he opened the door to a softly lit room smelling faintly of cherries.

He cursed and almost backed out. He didn't need the reminder. He didn't need a scent to keep her in his mind. He didn't need –

"Rick, I'm sorry." The words were spoken softly so as not to startle him but he still reacted as if physically struck.

He looked down at the floor and turned to leave. "Yeah, I know. Look, I have to see someone. Lock the door when you leave."

"Your dad met me at the airport. He knows I'm here and that we're going to be late."

"We?" He looked at her, through her, actually.

"Yes. We. No more secrets. No more broken hearts because you couldn't break your word. You kept your word to all of them. You only broke your word once, and that was to me."

"I _never _broke my pledge to you. Never!" He was so tired and angry and so tired of being angry.

"You promised me, in a damned Church, Rick. You vowed to love me and care for me as long as we both lived. You took me with all my faults and my strengths as I did you."

"Yeah, I was there. I remember. I never stopped being in love with you." There was no sarcasm in his words, just resignation.

"I promised to help you when you needed help, and I would turn to you when I needed help. I chose you as the person with whom I would spend my life. We exchanged those vows but somewhere along the way I forgot mine. I'm sorry."

Castle seemed to consider her statement and finally looked out the large window of the suite.

"You acted in the way you were raised and trained, as the situation warranted. I don't blame you, Kate. If you think I do, then you're wrong. But I forgive you for anything you feel the need to be forgiven for."

"Josh. I need you to forgive me for Josh."

She looked at him with tear-filled eyes but refused to shed them. It would only add to the tension in an already tense situation. She knew her husband. He had one foot out the door mentally already.

Rick looked up in surprised confusion. Josh?

"Josh? I don't understand. Lanie was drunk and went on about you and Josh but I thought that was before – oh. Okay. After you filed and stood Lanie up at the Radisson. We went in to the Oak Room and had a few drinks."

"It was a stupid and childish thing to do. I wanted to hurt you but I only hurt myself. I didn't even enjoy it. I enjoyed the thought that it would hurt you but not the act itself. The next day I was so disgusted with myself – "

"You're forgiven. I really have to talk to my dad. I have some things I need – advice on. He's been pretty good about keeping me on the right path since before the separation. And then I have to get going."

"I want us back together, Rick. I want to get married again. I've never stopped loving you. If anything, I love you more than before the divorce. You went through Hell with me when I was shot and all you asked was that I – "

"I don't want to get married, Kate. I'm done with marriage. I screw it up every time. I lost Meredith because I wasn't enough of a man for her. I lost Gina for much the same reason. I lost you because I didn't have the courage to let you live the life you'd chosen because I was afraid you'd die. No more marriages."

"I quit the department. I'm just waiting for the paperwork to catch up with me. I'm done being a target and I'm ready to start being a wife and a mother."

"You quit? Why? You love your job. It's what makes Beckett 'Beckett'."

"I'd rather be a Castle. I made a mistake and now I'm fixing it. Marry me again, Rick. I promise I won't screw it up. I promise to be there like I should have been. I shouldn't have allowed you to carry those burdens alone. I should have figured out early on what was happening. I'm a detective and I was good at my job. I just never applied it to my marriage to 'detect' what was wrong."

"Did you deliberately fail the Lieutenant's Exam?"

"No! I – I choked, okay? I wanted to pass it but I choked. There was so much riding on it, our future, and I think it was the beginning of our problems."

"No, it was just another thing to break us."

"We're not broken, damn it, Castle! We're just bent. Not broken. Not if you just can just put the last 3 months behind us and marry me again. It'll be better this time, I promise."

* * *

><p>One, maybe two chapters remain.<p>

OM


	15. Realizations and Recriminations

A short chapter as will all the following entries. Just so you know.

OM

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now<span>_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 15

Previously:

"_We're not broken, damn it, Castle! We're just bent. Not broken. Not if you just can just put the last 3 months behind us and marry me again. It'll be better this time, I promise."_

She was trying not to beg. Or cry. Or scream at him in frustration. She just sat there and waited.

"I need to see my father. Alone. There are things I need to discuss that would be 'uncomfortable' for you to hear. I need to do this and I need to do it now while I still have the courage to face them."

"Rick, please don't walk away from me again. When you walked out of the Pre-Trial Conference I died a little inside. It was worse than losing my mother. It was the worst day of my life."

"The suite's paid for. My final extravagance. Look, I need time. That's all I'm asking for is time. You're pushing too hard and I'm trying not to push back. You once told me that if I forced you to choose, I'd lose. Well, I lost. Don't make the same mistake, Beckett."

"Castle, damn it, I'm not pushing. I'm – I'm begging. I need my husband back. Nothing works anymore. Nothing tastes anymore. Nothing feels right anymore. The songs don't make any sense anymore. I need you beside me – for the rest of my life – I need you. I've made my case. If you love me the way you claim, you'll come back."

She hadn't missed 'Beckett'. She could feel the situation begin to crater on her and she had no idea how to maintain control.

"We had three years, Beckett, three wonderful years. That's more than most people get. 'Time heals all wounds', right? I need time to see if I can heal my wounds. And don't get all pissy on me. They were self-inflicted, most of them."

"Promise me you'll come back here tonight. We can't just let this thing fester. We agreed never to go to sleep on an argument and we've broken one of your Cardinal Rules. Promise me that you'll come back."

"Tonight? Here? Yes, I promise."

He turned and walked out of the suite and she sat there wondering if he was going to come back. She had to trust him, had to believe he meant what he said. She had to believe he'd keep his promise.

* * *

><p>Castle stood in front of the motel and waited for his cab. Damn her for making him promise to come back here tonight. Damn her for being here. Damn her for not admitting that it was over. Damn <em>him<em> for wanting to surrender, to acquiesce, to submit, to crawl back to her and take her to bed and make them both forget their pain – if only for a little while.

His mind drifted back to better times when he was confident and certain that what he was doing was the right thing. Her response had assured him.

_"You. Us. Together. Forever. No more games, no more roles, no more walls, no more excuses, no more lies. Just you and me, together. Is that plain enough?"_

Her comments today were just words without meaning or feeling, just strung together vowels and consonants going through the motion of speech. He'd long since quit listening to what others said. It was all so much gobbledygook.

Three years was a long time.

* * *

><p>Kate sat on the settee almost in a trance. Her mind was dancing around history, dredging up moments of similarity, comparing them and following up on subsequent events. She knew he'd come back. He promised.<p>

What had his father said?

"_He was so conflicted, so at war with himself. I don't know why, maybe it was his subconscious trying to settle the internal strife, I don't know." _

She sat up and grabbed her room key card and her shoulder bag and headed out. She was dialing Castle's dad for directions and an address while she waited on the elevator.

She figured out a part of Castle that she'd never dreamed existed. His sense of self was shattered, in conflict with his own best interests. _She_ was in his best interest. Now she had the key.

* * *

><p>Castle was still waiting on his cab when Kate walked out of the motel lobby. Never one to let an opportunity slide, she walked up behind him and put her arms around him and just held on. He flinched at first and then just accepted her clumsy embrace.<p>

"This works much better face to face, Rick. Want to give it a try? See if the old magic is still there?"

His mouth said the words before his mind could apply any filters.

"Like with Josh? Was the 'old magic' there?"

She couldn't believe he'd said that. Rick was not a cruel man and that had been the cruelest thing he'd ever said to her.

"Kate, I'm sorry. That just – that just slipped out."

"It's what you were thinking, wasn't it? Better to get it all out in the open than keep it festering, right? Isn't that what you said to me once? 'Don't let things fester'?"

"Still, it isn't like me to give voice to such thoughts. I truly apologize, Beckett."

"Apology accepted. We're sharing a cab. I decided I want to be there when you talk about us with your dad. If I can survive your comment about Josh, I can survive anything. I just won't be able to survive your absence."

"Beckett, don't. Don't force the issue."

"Which issue? The one where you said you forgave me for sleeping with Josh and then you say such a shitty thing? Or the issue about not sharing the burden of Meredith with me? We were supposed to be each other's helpmates, Rick. I comforted you when Martha died, why wouldn't you allow it when Meredith fell ill?"

"I promised – "

"You promised Meredith that you wouldn't tell Alexis but you did. She told me. She said you said no one you loved was ever going to die alone if you could help it. Well, you say you love me but you're staying away and if I die, I'll die alone. So you'll be breaking another promise to me."

"Don't – you're splitting hairs – it's not the same – no, they're not the same. This is a mistake. A bad mistake. I shouldn't have come down here. Meddling old man. Waits nearly 40 years to let me know I have a dad and then he goes behind my back and plots against me with you."

She tightened her grip on him sensing his panic. Something was wrong with him.

"Y'know Beckett, I've only slept with 11 women in my entire life and only slept with three of them more than once or twice, one of them I never slept with at all. I married those 3, Meredith, Gina and you. Shared 8 years of marriage. I'm 44, that means in 16 years I've only slept with 8 other women since I was 20. How many rich and egotistical playboys can claim that? The other girls were just for show. Gina arranged them – called them 'Page 6 arm candy'. That's one every two years or so. Yeah, quite the manwhore I am."

"What are you getting at, sweetheart? So what? The three years we were together were – "

"Absolute heaven and hell for me. I loved being married to you but I waited for the day, the day you got tired of me and ended it. Meredith did it in 3 years, Gina wearied in two. You lasted a lot longer than I thought. I figured you'd bail after getting shot but you surprised me, Beckett. You really did."

She spun him around and hung on to him. Now she knew why he didn't contest the divorce, why he didn't drag it out in court – and he knew he'd win – why he was so adamant about her quitting the force and his settling for her taking the Lieutenant's Exam. He lived all that time waiting for her to leave and when she threw him out - he'd probably been relieved on some level.

The waiting was over and he'd been proven right again.

"Oh, Rick, that's not true. I never wanted to split up. I just felt so betrayed. You didn't defend yourself when I accused you of having an affair with Meredith and there were those damned bank statements and cancelled checks – "

"I couldn't explain – I promised – "

"Damn your promises. You made _me_ a promise, remember? 'Forsaking all others'. This whole situation could have been avoided if you'd just said 'Meredith has cancer and no money or support and I've given it to her and I don't want her to die alone'."

"You're kicking a dead horse, y'know? I couldn't. I didn't. You did what you thought was right and I figured it was a convenient reason for you to do what you did."

The cab pulled up and honked it's horn. Castle tried to push Kate away but she hung on to him and the cab finally pulled away.

"Smooth move, Beckett. I'll never get another cab now. I'll have to – "

"Come back upstairs with me. I need you to tell me everything else that's happened that I don't know about. Maybe – maybe you're right. Maybe we should just walk away from each other. You're carrying a lot of anger towards me and I want to know why. Give me tonight, Rick, and if we can't figure out how to make us work, I'll walk away."

* * *

><p>Damn, that's dark even for me. OM<p> 


	16. Darkest Before the Dawn, Right?

Short but to the point. Enjoy.

OM

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now<span>_ by Oldest Man  
>Chapter 16<p>

Previously:

**_Give me tonight, Rick, and if we can't figure out how to make us work, I'll walk away._**

* * *

><p>Motel parking apron<p>

"One night? You think we can realistically resolve all these issues in one night?"

"All we can do is try."

"And if we fail, you'll walk away, right?"

"Yes, Castle." She sounded exhausted and aggravated. "I'll walk away and you'll be done with me."

* * *

><p>The Bedroom of the Suite<p>

"Rick, I need to call your father and tell him we're not coming. Unless you want to swing by there tomorrow morning before you leave?"

She didn't want to think about the next morning. She needed to focus on the here and now. This time, this place, this is where she'd make her stand and fight for her marriage, something she knew she'd failed to do so often before.

"I'll call him. I want to see him regardless of the outcome of our little experiment. I don't know how often I'll be able to see him and except for Alexis, he's all the family I have left."

She almost screamed out her frustration at him but knew he'd just turn around and walk out. This wasn't the Rick Castle she was used to dealing with. This Rick Castle had already shown that he was willing to move heaven and earth to accomplish what he thought needed to be done with little concern for his own fate. The divorce settlement proved that.

She would have to be very careful if she was going to get her man back. Very careful.

"Have you eaten?" He always made sure she ate. She was thin, not skinny, but if she missed a few meals he could tell.

"Pizza? I can see who delivers."

"Yeah. I haven't eaten since…what day is today?"

"Pizza. And a 6-pack of beer. Pizza without beer is like – me without you."

"Keeping it to the fundamentals? Yeah, Pizza." She noticed that he paused in thought before replying. Good. Keep him thinking about familiar things they'd done together.

* * *

><p>"What did your dad say?" She had a feeling it had been a strange conversation from the look on his face.<p>

"He said he understood and apologized for telling you where I stayed. He seemed more upset about us, our situation, than before. I take it you and he had a long talk?"

"Not so long but very informative. He said you were at war with yourself. 'Conflicted'. Is that an apt description?"

"I think that's a bit over the top – at war with myself. I was impatient for it to come to its inevitable conclusion, our marriage I mean."

"Why, sweetheart? Why was it inevitable that our marriage would fail?" They were finally getting somewhere.

"It's more like everyone I loved, except Alexis, quit on me. Mother died. Okay, not a voluntary thing but still…and Meredith…and Gina…and Kyra…and then you. Alexis is effectively gone too but it's different with her. It's not so much at war with myself as it was about waiting for you to follow the pattern."

"Don't you think your obsession – no, strike that – your devotion to keeping your word made our divorce a self-fulfilling prophecy? We – okay, **_I_** was incredibly happy, Rick. I had everything a woman could ever want. I had a husband who adored me, a stepdaughter who called me 'Mom' without any hesitation, money, security, a job I loved and then one day, poof, gone."

"Do you miss it, Kate? Do you miss the job? How long has it been since you quit?"

"Surprisingly, no. I don't miss it. I've had other things on my mind. I had an ex-husband who gave me his entire world rather than have our divorce dragged through the media. You would have won, Rick. My attorney leaked everything he 'thought' he knew to the media. I was horrified. I quit the day it hit the papers."

"You should have stayed. It was what defined 'Beckett'."

"No. I should have quit when you asked me to. I never should have made you come back. I didn't understand or at least I couldn't accept that you were afraid for me. The deal was so lopsided in my favor. I got peace and quiet and you got a ball of cold fear in exchange for a promise to take a civil service test. Looking back, I should have quit. I was just too stubborn to accept your fears as 'important enough' in the big scheme of things."

"Do you know how often I dream about you getting killed on the job? How often I wake up sweating and unable to stop shaking? How often I would go into my office afterwards and pray to a God I didn't even believe in to keep you safe, to take me instead if He had to have a warm body to count coup. Too damned often. It got so bad I had to have a prescription for a sleep aid."

"You mean all those times I razzed you about falling asleep at your laptop you were – oh, Rick, I'm so sorry."

"I still have nightmares but they've changed since we separated and I found – they're just my insecurities bugging me. I don't even take the pills any longer. I just sleep and the dreams are not as frequent."

"Tell me about these dreams. Please, Rick. Maybe if you share your dreams we can work on allaying the fears that cause them. It's worth a shot. Maybe something good might come out of this tonight after all."

"Got one emotional foot out the door already, Beckett?"

"Okay, I deserve that. Now, tell me about the dreams, Rick."

He told her about the dreams he remembers most, the ones on the train, because they're most recent. Her reaction was totally unexpected. She was rational and analytical.

"I can understand the dream about Martha and Meredith. It must have been horrible for the both of you. I think the part about Alexis is just your mind telling you what your heart can't accept – our daughter's getting older and will soon have her own life."

He didn't say anything. There was nothing to say. Hearing it from another person, this person, made it seem harmless. He didn't think he'd have that particular dream again. Meredith was finally at peace, at least in his mind. Alexis walking off, yeah, of course.

"So, just those two? That's it?" She knew there was more. His eyes were restless and looking at the suite door.

"Rick, what other dreams did you have?" She pressed. There were others. Those two alone couldn't break a man as strong as her husband, so she pressed.

"Rick, tell me, please? We agreed – "

"I'm in a hotel room, standing, just looking at the door. You and Esposito and Ryan, are advancing down the hallway outside. The guys have a battering ram. Then Josh shows up and starts fondling your butt and you turn and tell him 'later, baby, later' and blow him a kiss. Then you stand across from the door and the guys batter it down. I'm standing there, smiling like an idiot and you smile that special smile I love and then you shoot me in the heart. Sometimes I wake up right away but sometimes I lie there and bleed out and listen to you tell Josh all the things you can do now that I'm permanently out of the picture."

She was sitting on the settee, a blank look of disbelief on her face. Rick was sitting on the bed facing her and she suddenly screamed out his name and leaped onto him, knocking him flat on the bed and straddling him, the hem of her pencil skirt tearing apart.

"No, no, no, no – " over and over again and then the tears and sobbing started and Castle felt obligated to try and comfort her so he put his arms around her and just held her while she cried.

The last time he'd held her in this position, she hadn't been crying. She'd been breathless and whispering sweet endearments in his ear.

It was going to be a long night.


	17. Conjugal Negotiations

_Then and Now_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 17

Previously:

_The last time he'd held her in this position, she hadn't been crying. She'd been breathless and whispering sweet endearments in his ear._

_It was going to be a long night._

* * *

><p>He rubbed soothing circles on her back and whispered that 'it would be all right' in her ear but nothing seemed to calm her. Her sobs had diminished to hitching breaths and she'd twisted her fists in his shirt so tightly that buttons had popped off.<p>

"Shhh, Kate. It's okay. I would never have told you about the dream if I thought for an instant it would upset you so."

Wrong thing to say. "I know, Rick. I know." Her tears had soaked his shirt and her eye makeup was a mess but he still believed she was one of the most beautiful women he'd ever seen. "But you don't trust me now, do you? That's really what it's about. Down deep where 'little Richard Rogers lives', you don't trust me at all."

She pushed her self up off him but didn't move from her straddling position. She leaned forward and her hair fell forward and across his chest. She looked at him and half smiled.

"How did it ever get this bad, Rick? How did we let it fall apart? I should have quit when you asked me but instead I belittled your fears. I won't go back to being a target, sweetheart. I want us to have a little Kate or Rick to spoil. I want Alexis to be able to bring Joe back for the holidays and not have to worry about splitting their time between two residences. I want Alexis to be able to call me 'Mom' and not have to hesitate because I'm her divorced stepmother. I want us to try and live together and then, if we can, marry again. What do you think?"

He reached up and pulled her back down onto his chest and wrapped his arms around her but didn't say anything. He was gathering his thoughts while she was building up her hopes.

"You know I never knew my father. My mother went from man to man, sometimes living with him but most times just using him for her career advancement. I don't blame her. She had me to take care of."

"When I was 5 my mother married a guy who was a stunt coordinator for a couple of production companies. He liked me. He spent time with me. He taught me to play baseball, how to throw a curve and a slider, all kinds of things a dad did. He loved me. I loved him. One day I came home from the playground and he was standing outside the small house we rented and he had suitcases. He and my mother were getting a divorce. He said he'd always love me and always wanted me to think of him as my dad but he left and I never saw him again."

"Oh, Rick, I'm so – " but Rick interrupted her sympathetic response. He didn't need her sympathy.

"It went on like that until she married a man who sent me off to boarding school. I stayed there for most vacations but I wasn't alone. I started to write and eventually graduated. I went to college and the rest is history. But I never forgot all those people who came into and out of my life like I was some transit point on a subway. At some point, everyone abandons me, Kate. I know that sounds melodramatic and stupid but – "

"And I abandoned you like the 'father' who sent you to boarding school. I see that now. But Rick, we know what went wrong. We can avoid the mistakes and pitfalls of our first marriage."

"Can we? How do we guarantee that? How do _you _know that down the road in a few years you won't get fed up with my – "

"Just stop it! I love you. You _say_ you love me. Prove it. Live with me. Be my kept man. Let me love you and regain your trust and then, someday, I want babies, Rick, and I'll want your name again. Can you do it? Can you prove your love?"

He was thinking it over. He really was afraid of marriage. He was a 3-time loser. Sure, this time it was different but then _he_ was different. His obsession with loyalty and fidelity were millstones that had dragged him down but were so much a part of him that he couldn't just cast them off.

"Yes or no. Decide. Right here and right now. We've hurt each and it has to stop, Rick."

"Each of us could have our figurative foot out the door, Beckett. That doesn't sound at all like you."

"Well, there are conditions, Rick." He raised an eyebrow and bade her to continue.

"100 days. If in 100 days you don't feel any different then we'll call it quits and just be friends. Now, to start this off right, I give you back half your money and the house out on Long Island. We enroll in couples' therapy. We both have a lot of anger and baggage, sweetheart, and I want this to have every chance of success. I want those Castle babies we talked about. Those are my conditions."

"What about the press and your friends? How will it look if you shack up with your ex?"

"Screw the press. As for friends, if they are friends, they'll be happy for us. If they're not, they weren't real friends to start with."

"And your dad? What about Jim?" He really admired Kate's father and it was one of the hardest parts of going through the divorce – freezing out Jim Beckett.

"He won't talk to me at all, Rick. He calls the house line and leaves a message on the machine once or twice a week. He's really angry with me for all that's happened and disappointed in you. He thinks you should have fought the divorce."

"I'll straighten it out with him. I'll make him understand that it was all my fau – " The slap stunned him for a moment and he blanched at the angry look on his ex-wife's face. She sat up and put both her hands on his shoulders, pinning him to the bed.

"That's the last damned time I ever want to hear 'it was my fault' come out of your mouth about our marriage. The last time, understand? We both screwed things up, me more so than you."

She was still straddling him and when she shifted her weight around on him he grimaced. He knew how she thought. He remembered all the other arguments they'd had. Nothing on this scale but arguments nonetheless.

When she started to slowly smile and rock slightly forward and back, still pinning his shoulders to the bed with her hands, he knew he was toast.

And then she leaned forward and kissed him.

* * *

><p>Kate woke up the next morning and stretched and rolled over to greet her newold lover but his side of the bed was empty. She sat up and pulled the sheet across her nakedness and cursed a blue streak.

He had never actually said 'yes' to her ultimatum and conditions and she hadn't exactly given him time before she literally took him to bed.

It had been a wonderful night but now, in the cold dawn, she knew it had been a mistake. She had given him and ultimatum, backed him into a corner and then taken away any possibility of escape by making love almost the entire night.

She dressed quickly from the casual clothes she'd thrown into her oversized shoulder bag and inspected the remnants of the clothing she'd worn to bed. Half the magic of the previous night had been the way he'd torn her clothing off her after she'd driven him speechless. It was the best sex she'd ever had. Now all she had to do was track her husband down and –

Castle walked in from the suite's living room and handed her a cup of coffee. "Good. You're awake. I hope you don't mind but I promised my dad I'd bring you by before returning to the city. Was that okay?"

"100 days, Rick. You never told me your answer."

"Do you really have to ask after last night?"

"Yes, I do." She wanted to hear him say it. She wanted to bind him by his promise. She'd use his strengths against him for both their sakes.

"Yeah, I want to try. Actually, Kate, I want to do more than try. I want to do it. I accept your conditions but I have one small one of my own. Nothing deal breaking. It's negotiable."

"Okay. Let's hear it. We'll compromise if I can't accept it on it's face."

"Good. Sail with me down the coast to Antigua; write a book with me. Co-author the last _Nikki Heat_. We'll call it _The Heat is On_! How's that sound?"

"Lame. I can't write. I don't have the imagination you do. It would be a terrible book, Rick." Secretly she was tickled pink by the idea of sailing the _Muse_ anywhere in the world with him. Writing a book together was intimidating but she'd faced worse challenges.

"Well, collaborate with me then. I'll still be able to say I wrote a book with you. Wait! I got a better idea! Genius. I'm a friggin' genius. Listen to this: _Nikki Heat – In Her Own Words._ We built theory, baby, we can write a book. It'll give us something to do on the sail down and back."

* * *

><p>One last chapter to go. Maybe Tuesday.<p> 


	18. Delays En Route

This is short but it's as it is. This is not the last chapter so pls don't bombard me with WTFs.

OM

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now<span>_ by Oldest Man  
>Chapter 18<p>

Previously:

"_Well, collaborate with me then. I'll still be able to say I wrote a book with you. Wait! I got a better idea! Genius. I'm a friggin' genius. Listen to this: __Nikki Heat – In Her Own Words.__ We built theory, baby, we can write a book. It'll give us something to do on the sail down and back."_

* * *

><p>Amtrak – Washington to New York City<p>

Rick already had a ticket and balked at flying back with Kate so, after they spent most of the day with his father, the Father, she bought a ticket and rode back with him.

She'd been surprised at the interplay between Rick and his father. If she hadn't known their history she'd have thought they'd known each other all their lives.

Father Alec had heartily endorsed their 'plan' and even suggested that they enroll in an 'immersion seminar' that some counselors conducted periodically. 'Couples therapy 24/7' for a predetermined period was preferable to weekly sessions that would postpone 'the sail' and the most healing part of the 'journey to remarriage'. She knew where Castle got his skills at prose – from his father, the Father.

"Penny for them." Rick had been watching Kate's reflected profile in the window glass. He noted the physical side of her thought processes he'd learned through observation.

Worrying the lower lip: deep and inductive thought. The occasional licking at the corner of her mouth: working a fact into the mosaic that didn't quite fit. The tightening of her lips _without_ the narrowing of the eyes: hammering the unfitting fact into place in the mosaic.

"Huh? What, Rick?" She'd been planning what had to be done to accomplish what they'd agreed to in bed: transfer of money and property, reissuing of keys, outfitting the _Fickle Muse_ for the trip, locating and then engaging a psychologist for the 'immersion therapy' and a list that just kept growing.

"Penny for your thoughts? Can't afford more right now. Have to pen another 'Heaving Bosoms' before the loot roles in again. I do have money, Kate, just not as much as before and I've decided to simplify my life so that money doesn't play such a dominant role in it. I have more important things to spend my time on."

"Such as?"

"Couples therapy, collaborating with my sugar momma at odd moments about the book and her own 'heaving bosoms', y'know, Kate, the more important things."

The honesty of his simple statement, even with the reference to 'sugar mommas' and 'heaving bosoms' brought tears to her eyes.

"My bosoms do not _heave_, sweetheart." She tried to look insulted but laughed instead. "Okay, so maybe you leaving me breathless last night made them move in a way that might be described as 'heaving'."

"Listen, it's only a suggestion but why don't you let Shelby Turner handle the legal crap? She's already familiar with everything and I trust her not to screw you over like your lawyer would."

"I'll consider it. The last time we spoke she was less than cordial."

"I'll tell her it's my idea and my money. It'll be okay but feel free to find your own bottom-feeding-scum-sucking-pond-scum of a lawyer. I don't care."

His cell screeched out 'Dad! Dad! Dad!' and Kate rolled her eyes. Alexis didn't know about Rick's custom designed ring tone. Personally, she thought it was precious but she'd long ago mastered the eye-roll just to keep him in the dark.

"Hey, Lex. What's up?"

"That's my question, Dad. Where are you? Sounds like you're on a bus or a – "

"Train. Yeah, not up to European noise standards but it's American. I'm on my way back to New York. Been in DC seeing an old friend. Want to say 'hi' to your mom?"

"I called you, not her. Besides, I'll call her next. How are you? I'm worried about you. Joe says 'hi' by the way."

"How's the search for the Almighty's Misplaced Mote coming? Any luck? Y'know if I were the Big Guy, I'd stick somewhere in the Outback, y'know, like around that – "

"Dad! Answer the damned question. How are you?"

"Well, after last night, pretty tired but happy. And you?"

"What? Oh, Dad! You didn't hook up with one of the fangirls, did you? How could you do that to Kate? You know – "

"Yeah, Lex, I'm ashamed to admit it but I spent an incredible night of passion with an older fangirl. The things that woman could do with her – "

"Castle! Give me that phone this instant!" Her eyes were narrowed and he swore he could see little swirls of energy crackling in preparation for a discharge of incredible intensity that would reduce him to ash.

He handed her the phone and adopted an air of injured innocence. He also began rubbing circles on her knee, slowly moving his hand up until she crushed it in her own but gentled and grip and just held it pressed against her thigh.

"Lex, it's me. You father and I were together last night. I was the incredible 'older' woman with heaving bosoms he spent the night with. We're trying an experiment and if it works out maybe you can wear that dress again?"

Grand Central Station  
>New York City<p>

"I'll call Shelby in the morning and let her know to expect your call. You be careful going home and make sure you lock the doors."

"What? Wait! I thought we – "

"I need a day or two to wrap up some loose ends, maybe just one day. You call the list of shrinks that Dad gave us and offer them an obscene amount of money to conduct the 'immersion' at the loft as soon as possible. I need to have some stuff done to the _Muse_ in order to make a long voyage and I need to be there to make sure it's done right. Oh, and buy a laptop and a dozen or so flash drives for backup."

"I thought we – " She wanted him to come home, even if they were divorced. She was tired of being alone and she wanted to wrap herself around him and never let go.

"Kate – if we're going to do this, it has to be done right. No outside interference and no distractions like 'is the backup generator enough to handle the additional load' or in your case, 'is my dad ever going to forgive me?'"

She stared at him and wondered what had become of the man she married. This imposter was decisive and immovable once he'd set his mind to something. Okay, maybe she just hadn't really paid attention to her husband in this setting before.

Obviously, while she'd been woolgathering on the train he'd been plotting, planning, anticipating and resolving conflicts.

It was going to be an interesting 100 days.

"Okay but can you at least kiss me goodnight?"

* * *

><p>AN: Okay. It's going to take a bit more writing to put my two characters where I want them so be patient. I might not be as nice to them if you're not.

I got wrapped up in some other stuff and have to go to Houston again so it may be a few days before I grace you again with my written presence. Have patience.


	19. PsychoTherapists and Issues

I apologize for the brevity but this is getting stale in my mind. I'll try mini-posts periodically - like maybe daily?

Be nice. I got issues.

OM

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now<span>_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 19

Previously:

_Obviously, while she'd been woolgathering on the train he'd been plotting, planning, anticipating and resolving conflicts._

_It was going to be an interesting 100 days._

"_Okay but can you at least kiss me goodnight?"_

* * *

><p>Beckett's Loft<p>

She found a shrink she felt comfortable with from Father Alec's list and who was available immediately. Her only concern was whether or not Rick would agree to be treated by her – yes, she was a woman.

"Ms. Beckett, I will agree only after I've met with your ex-husband and determine whether or not we're compatible for such an ambitious undertaking."

"You're not marrying him, Dr. Fong, I am. You'll love him. Everyone does. He's charming and handsome and witty and strives to put everyone at ease. I'm sure you'll have no problems with him."

"We'll see. I can be there at 2pm for a 'get acquainted' meeting and then, assuming all schedules have been cleared, we can begin the next evening."

"He'll be here." Beckett hung up the phone. Things were looking up.

Dr. Hannah Fong hung up the phone and if Kate could have seen the predatory look on her face, she would have cancelled the meeting. Hannah Fong had history with Castle and in her mind, it was 'unfinished history'.

* * *

><p>'<em>Fickle Muse'<br>_New York City Yacht Club

"Rick Castle."

"Rick, it's Kate. I've got us a therapist, a psychiatrist actually, from your dad's list. Can you meet with her at 2pm here at the loft? If you two don't have 'issues', we can begin the 'Immersion Week' Friday evening."

"I'll see you then. What are you wearing, Kate?" His voice had changed to a lower timbre and she felt comfortable with this change.

"Castle, we're not having phone sex, got me? My God, if you're that desperate, come early." She had spoken the last two words with a certain breathlessness she knew he would recognize and the double entendre.

"As much as that appeals to me, dear, I'm hanging from the mainmast attaching the radar reflector. I just didn't want to show up in deck clothes and have you wearing something more formal. Of course, if _you _are desperate, I can leave now and we'll just have to take our chances with being rammed by an oil tanker."

"Oh, sorry. I'll just be in jeans and a t-shirt. I want to be comfortable and I don't think we'll be wearing formal clothes during the therapy sessions, do you?"

"Well, I don't - Crap! Damn it, I dropped the damned screwdriver! Look, I can't talk and screw at the same time, I'll be there by two. See ya, babe."

"Oh, Castle, you can _so_ screw and talk…you whisper the most interesting comments in my ear when you're pounding – "

"Kate! Stop it! I'll see you at 2pm."

'_When did he become such a prude?'_ She laughed and then sighed. If everything went according to plan, their 'Hundred Days' would begin Friday. She got out her calendar and checked the dates. Perfect.

* * *

><p>Beckman's Loft<br>2:05pm

Dr. Hannah Fong was not overly impressed with Kate Beckett. In fact, mentally she dismissed her as far less than Rick Castle deserved. Her breasts were too small and while her legs were nice and long, they were obviously far too thin. If she remembered correctly, one of Rick's special interests had been _her_ legs. He'd often commented on how perfectly proportioned and toned they were when they were having drinks after a tennis match.

Beckett's hair was her major 'redeeming quality' and Hannah could see why men might find her marginally attractive. It was thick and long and she imagined Castle running his fingers through it just as he'd once done with hers.

"Ms. Beckett, if your ex-husband has so little respect for our time, perhaps you should seek out a therapist who is less demanding. If this is an example of how he views this exercise then perhaps you should be satisfied with your current marital status?"

"Dr. Fong – "

"Hannah, and I'll call you Kate."

"Okay, Hannah, it's hardly more than 2:10 and he is coming all the way from across town."

"Obviously he is inconsiderate. If he ever shows up, we'll have to work on that. Being inconsiderate is more often a visible symptom of a deeper underlying psychosis or issue."

'_Where the hell are you, Castle?'_

The loft phone rang and Kate hurried to answer it.

"Beckett."

"Ms. Beckett, um, there's a gentleman down here, needs to 'meet with you'. He's not on the list and I had to physically restrain him from getting on the elevator. Says his name is Richard Castle. Do you know him?"

"Are you new here?" She was thinking about where she'd locked her backup pistol, the personal firearm she used on the job.

"Yes, ma'am. Started yesterday."

"This is his loft. Let him up, but first, give him a key and put him on your damned list!"

She slammed the phone down and turned to her guest. "He's been here for quite some time apparently. There was a mix-up at the security desk and he wasn't on the list so they stopped him from coming up. He _was_ here on time, see?"

She felt like sticking her tongue out at the Asian doctor. _'Jesus, what a tight-ass. Rick will pick her apart. Might want to recheck the list for another.'_

"Are you always so abrupt and rude to the security and housekeeping staff, Kate? He was just doing his job and if I overheard correctly, you didn't give Mr. Castle a key nor did you add his name to the 'permitted' listing."

"Everyone knows that this is Rick's loft. There was no excuse for such ignorance."

"Humph. I hope Mr. Castle is a little more gracious to the staff. They are just doing their jobs, after all."

Kate was beginning to think that if Rick didn't kick this snooty tart out that she'd do it. She hadn't lost the knack for rousting bad guys just the job that allowed it.

"My husband is the consummate gentleman. He respects the people who work with and for him. It's a trait I find very endearing."

"Ex-husband, Ms. Beckett, ex-husband. I read about the settlement. You cleaned him out. Why do you want him back?"

"He _gave_ me everything. He did nothing wrong. It was all my fault. I didn't trust him and I should have. He was simply keeping his promise to others and I didn't understand. I love him and I want what we had back. I want _him_ back."

'_You don't deserve him. Yes, he's gracious, but he's also virile, respectful, witty, daring and loyal. Above all, he's loyal. Once we meet again and he sees the errors we made, you'll be on your way back to the streets where you belong and I'll be the new Mistress around here.'_


	20. Ground Rules and Promises of Dessert

sorry for the lag in posting. enjoy.

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now<span>_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 20

Previously:

"_Ex-husband, Ms. Beckett, ex-husband. I read about the settlement. You cleaned him out. Why do you want him back?"_

"_He __**gave **__me everything. He did nothing wrong. It was all my fault. I didn't trust him and I should have. He was simply keeping his promise to others and I didn't understand. I love him and I want what we had back. I want __him__ back."_

* * *

><p>Rick Castle stood outside the door of his, no, not anymore, <em>her<em> loft, and debated knocking or using the key the new guy at the security desk had given him.

He decided to take the high road and so he knocked lightly. Yes, there was a bell but it seemed so impersonal and besides, in all the years he'd lived there, he'd never known anyone to push the button set off to the side of the ornate doorframe. He wasn't about to be the first. For all he knew the tune the buzzer initiated might be the theme to _Deliverance_ or something equally bizarre.

The previous owner had been somewhat eccentric. The safe in the floor was just one example. The panic room was another. It had never been used and he'd deactivated the door afraid that Alexis, then 6, might accidentally lock herself in it.

He waited another 30 seconds or so and then knocked again, louder this time. Maybe they were deep in therapy already and couldn't hear the door?

Kate looked at Dr. Fong and then at her watch. _'Where the hell are you, Rick?'_

She walked from the Loft office into the living room and then opened the door and smiled when she saw her – when she saw Rick.

"Why didn't you just use your key, Rick?" She hugged him tightly, wondering if they really needed therapy when all she really needed was him back beside her where he belonged. Three years of marriage had given her insights into her husband based on his eyes and body language. He was nervous and somehow she found that incredibly endearing.

The situation was really cut and dried. He'd protected others because he'd given them his promise and she'd jumped to the immediate conclusion that he was playing house with Meredith out on the West Coast due to his frequent trips to 'handle movie stuff'.

Well, they'd have their nights together and then they'd sail off into the Atlantic and down the coast to the sunny Caribbean and the islands.

"Ah, well, it just didn't seem right somehow. And I did knock, Kate. Several times." They were still holding on to each other, each afraid to be the first to relinquish their hold on the other.

"Mr. Castle – at last. Let's get started. First some ground rules - " The woman who spoke had to be Dr. Fong. He found her voice grating.

"I think an introduction might be in order first, don't you? And I believe you are usurping the loft's owner's role since you're as much a guest here as I am and in point of fact, are here 'interviewing' for the job."

"Rick – " Kate started to admonish Rick, gently, but firmly but Dr. Fong interrupted her.

"You're right. I'm Dr. Hannah Fong. Father Richards thinks very highly of you so that gives you a pass on being late. Now, since this is a 'job interview', let's sit down and get to know one another."

She led them back to Rick's old office/study and pointed out chairs. She sat in his chair and that rankled him.

The short Asian woman was about Castle's age but the years had not been as gentle with her as they'd been generous to Castle. She looked care-worn and tired. And wrinkled. And fat. Well, okay, not fat but not slim and perfect like his Kate. She looked dumpy standing beside Beckett even though she didn't come quite to Kate's shoulders.

He nicknamed her 'Fireplug' in his mind and mentally chortled.

Kate rolled her eyes at the expression on her – on Rick's face. She knew it only too well. He was labeling again. He did that unconsciously, the writer in him giving the person a persona in his mind. She could only imagine the short doctor's nickname.

Dr. Fong listed her extensive credentials and work experience as well as papers and articles written. Castle asked her how she knew Alec Richards and she told him bluntly that it was 'none of your damned business'. Both Kate and Castle were surprised but only Rick showed it.

"He's a dear friend and I hold his opinion in high standing but if he recommended you, that's good enough for me. Kate, what do you think?"

She didn't like the short psychotherapist but deferred to Rick's judgment.

"She'll do. When can we get started?"

"Tomorrow night at 7pm. Now, can we discuss 'ground rules'?"

The couple nodded, curious.

"Okay, number one – no sex, no hugging, no kissing, no physical contact of any kind. You will sleep in separate rooms and will remain in those rooms unless we are in a joint or individual session or taking meals."

Kate started to object but stopped. '_If she knows what she's doing and it'll help, then I guess I can 'refrain' from jumping his bones. I went nearly 4 months without it.'_

"Next, no outside communications. No cell phones, no computers, no email, nothing. You're incommunicado from the moment the therapy session begins Friday."

"I have a daughter on the West Coast who freaks out if she doesn't hear from me regularly. Can you make an exception for an email every day or so?"

"No. No exceptions. Lastly, home work. If we are in agreement, each of you will write a brief history of your relationship beginning with how you met up to the point of your divorce. No more than a thousand words. Are we in agreement?"

"I'd like to discuss this privately with Rick. Will you excuse us?"

"Either we agree or we don't. My time is valuable and I cleared my schedule for the entire week. Also, I'll need a room here. We're doing marathon counseling and I don't want to waste time driving back and forth. Are we in agreement?"

Kate looked at Rick hoping he'd tell the little harpy to hit the road but instead he just smiled and said, "I'm in. I want this – I want _us_ back together, so I'm in."

"I guess – me, too. I want us back together, too. I agree, Dr. Fong."

"Hannah. Kate, Rick and Hannah, for the week. Well, I'm off. Oh, I'm allergic to shellfish and peanuts. Please avoid those when you're preparing my meals?"

She left and Castle swore he smelled brimstone when she did. She'd left abruptly saying she'd see them tomorrow. Everything about her was abrupt.

* * *

><p>Kate sat on Rick's lap and hugged his neck; she just breathed in 'essence of Castle'. She'd missed it. She'd missed him.<p>

"Kate, I need to get going. I still have a lot to get done and that damned radar reflector is giving me fits. Forty feet up and the waves make it sway and you know how I am about heights. I need to get it done if we're to leave next Saturday, okay?"

"Can't you stay a while? Maybe come over for dinner and dessert – I'm making 'Katherine Desnuda' just for you."

"Kate, baby, you're killing me here. So much to do and so little time to get it done. I'll make you a deal. I'll come by later for dessert and maybe, if you're really a good cook, I might be persuaded to spend the night. In a separate room, of course. No sense tempting the good doctor. Wouldn't surprise me if she had cameras hidden throughout your loft."

…_your loft…_ It hurt her to think about how easily he'd changed possessive pronouns. She wanted '_our_' back in his vocabulary.

"I'm very good at persuading." Her lips found the spot below his ear that sent him into disarray and plied it with her tongue. "Please, baby, I need you to come over tonight. And you will sleep in our bed with me as your blanket. Please, Rick? For me?"

"Okay. I'll bring my stuff over for the week. I sure hope we're doing the right thing with Dr. Mengele there. I can just see her in a Nazi SS uniform herding couples into a furnace screaming 'You failed as a couple! Burn! Burn ' and laughing maniacally. Really, Kate, she creeps me out."

"We still have to do our home work. Come over early and we'll knock it out and then you can have dessert. All you can eat, Castle. Sweetest thing you've ever tasted." She went back to work on his weak spot, sucking it with her lips and rubbing her hands all over his chest.

"Stop! So not fair! I'll call you before I leave so you can put dessert in the warmer." He snickered and she responded with 'It's already hot for you, sweetheart, so hurry home."

He escaped with his clothing only slightly askew and blew her a kiss and left. He had work to do.

Kate blew a strand of hair from her face and started planning a quick and easy dinner for them while she went upstairs to soak in a hot bath and fantasize about the coming evening.

She remembered to pull the satin sheets from the linen closet. They seemed to stay on the bed despite what gymnastics she and Castle performed. God, she missed him and she was so damned turned on…

* * *

><p>Hannah waited impatiently for the elevator but it appeared to be stopped between floor. She had been mentally reviewing her plans for the first therapy session when she heard the door of the loft open and Castle's cherry "See you later, Kate."<p>

She turned and smiled, the first time she'd done so since he arrived. She used her 'I'm so glad you're here' smile but he just returned it with a brief grin.

"It won't really be all that bad, Rick. Just think of it as coed summer camp. No touching the girls. I'll give you a heads-up though. You and Kate will be exchanging essays so be careful what you write." She flashed him a conspiratorial smile and then the elevator doors opened and he almost pushed her down the shaft but instead grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

"Jesus, the car must be under repair or inspection. Good thing I grabbed your arm, Dr. Fong!"

"Oh, God, I could have fallen. You saved me!" She grabbed him in a bear hug and Castle was immediately overcome by her strong perfume. _'Who the hell wears _Charlie_ anymore? Jesus, I can't breathe!'_

"Let's take the stairs. I'm late and I have to hurry. Good thing with the elevator. Might have been messy. See you tomorrow, Dr. Fong."

He practically ran down the stairs and out into the fresh air.


	21. Setting the Stage

It's short but I have a lot on tap for today.

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now<span>_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 21

Rick hailed a cab but all seemed to be engaged so he walked down to the corner and stood behind a bus waiting to pull out into traffic. The diesel fumes cleared his sinuses and purged the putrid perfume the Fireplug had apparently bathed in that morning. Ah, the smell of New York, piss, sewage, puke and diesel fumes – the perfume only a true lover of a city could appreciate.

He walked back to the loft and had the doorman hail him a can. "Mr. Castle, there was a woman, a short lady, but man, the stuff she was wearing made my eyes burn. I didn't see you or I'd have hailed a cab for ya when you first came out. I was wiping out my eyes."

"S'okay. No problem. If it doesn't clear up, go stand behind a bus. Worked for me and I almost had to share an elevator with her!"

"God bless, that would have been – bad. Really, really bad."

For an instant he wondered why he hadn't smelled it in the loft but then grinned. The air cleaner and recycler he'd installed when Alex was younger and had asthma and allergies was still paying dividends. He needed to check the filters. It had been while since he'd even thought about having the electronic air cleaner serviced. No sense risking asphyxiation.

He tipped George and got into the cab and told the cabbie to take him to the Marina. He needed to finish hanging the radar reflector or he'd be the loser in a night cruising collision with a big boat – think aircraft carrier.

* * *

><p>The Loft<p>

She walked back down into the kitchen and found paper and pencil and started planning the evening. Her initial intentions of changing the sheets and then getting into a tub were sidelined by her need to plan everything to the finest detail.

Kate made a list of things to do and then threw it away. He was her husband and he knew her better than any man on Earth. Other than taking a hot bath and maybe shaving her legs and putting the satin sheets on the bed, there was nothing really for her to do.

She pulled two porterhouse steaks out of the freezer and set them aside to defrost but then thought better of it and threw them back in the freezer. Take out – Thai and maybe Indian. They each loved Chinese but Thai and Indian complemented her mood – horny.

She walked into Rick's office and found a legal pad and a pen and walked back out to the kitchen and sat at the breakfast bar and started to write out her 'homework' assignment. She didn't want any distractions when Rick came over.

* * *

><p>'Fickle Muse'<br>_New York Yacht Club_

Rick's arms were killing him. He'd pulled himself up to the top of the main mast more times that he cared to remember trying to install the radar reflector but this time it seemed that the 40' to the top was twice that.

'_Getting old, Ricky boy. Better lay off the calories.' _He laughed out loud and then, catching his second wind, he hauled himself up to the turnbuckle and tied off the line. This time he had used his head and ran cord through the handles of the various tools he'd use so if he dropped one it wouldn't mean risking a heart attack to retrieve it.

It only took him 20 minutes to properly reconnect the collapsible radar reflector and then he was done. He still had his damned 'home work' assignment to complete but what the hell, he was a writer. How hard could it be?

Two hours later and he had his answer. It was damned hard. Every time he thought he was finished he remembered some other event or situation and he crammed it into the body of prose. He had 8,000 words and he knew he had to stop or he'd never finish. There were so many things that brought them together and just as many that had almost kept them apart.

He'd print it out at the loft. Screw the malodorous little fireplug. You couldn't summarize Rick & Kate in 2,000 words. He didn't think you could do it in a lifetime.

* * *

><p>The Loft<p>

Kate tore off the page and crumpled it up and threw it in the general direction of the waste can. She couldn't put it down on paper. There were just too many things that screamed 'better off divorced' and too few that whispered 'never better than when I was married'.

'_Screw this shit! I love him. I don't need to immortalize it on paper. I made so many damned errors in judgment but marrying Rick Castle was not one of them. We were happy together. We will be happy again. Screw the damned little troll.'_

She wrote a single paragraph and knew it was perfect.

_It wasn't love at first sight. It wasn't even like at first sight. It was more like indifference at first sight. All that changed over the course of time. Indifference became grudging acceptance. Acceptance yielded to tolerance. Tolerance faded to liking him and that soon blossomed into loving him and needing him. I love my husband. I want what we had together back. Like it or not, Hannah, that's my version of Kate & Rick. _

Satisfied with it, she set it aside and went up and stripped the bed and put on the satin sheets. She ran a bath and fiddled around with her hair and finally slipped down into the relaxing heat and wondered what they would talk about. If being together and talking would make the sessions harder or easier.

She dozed off for a bit until the cooling bath water woke her. She looked at the clock on the vanity and jumped from the tub.

He'd be here any minute and she hadn't put on makeup and she knew she'd have to do something with her hair.

* * *

><p>Rick pushed the button for the elevator but decided to take the stairs. He didn't trust the elevator any more. With his luck he'd get stuck between floors and spend the night waiting for the elevator repair guys.<p>

Nope. Better safe than sorry. He jogged up the stairs being careful not to mess up the flowers he'd picked up on the way.

* * *

><p>The Loft<p>

Kate looked in the mirror and was satisfied. Light makeup, hair up in a messy twist, his favorite t-shirt sans bra and a pair of skinny jeans and bare feet made her look comfortable and domestically sexy. Yeah.

She ordered food from the Thai and Indian restaurants and poured herself a glass of wine and waited. It was almost seven. She felt like a teenager again but smiled. There would be no barriers tonight to 'going all the way'.

She ran to get the doorbell. He was finally home.

A/N: Next up – the shrink makes waves and asks questions neither of them want to answer. Dum dee dum dum. It sounds better than it reads.

OM


	22. Do You Believe?

Not feeling too sparky so it's short but heartfelt.

OM

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now<span>_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 22

Castle rang the doorbell to the loft feeling suddenly uncomfortable. This had been his home for so many years and now it felt like a strange place, not home at all.

Kate opened the door and smiled the smile he loved to see on her face. His own returning smile was a little forced.

"Hey, Rick, right on time. I ordered Thai and Indian and I've got a bottle of wine breathing. Are those for me?" gesturing to the bouquet he was holding in one hand.

"Um, yeah. Yeah." He handed her the bouquet but didn't step inside.

"Well, get in here and kiss me 'hello' and then we'll talk, okay?" He seemed distracted, almost uncomfortable with her.

The kiss was brief but did a lot to quell the flocks of butterflies in her stomach. This was worse than the first time they'd actually dated. It had been a disaster although in retrospect she knew it was because they'd both tried to be someone they weren't. The second date had gone much, much better than the first.

"I need to use the printer in the office, okay? I don't have one on the _Muse_. I finished my home work assignment and just need to print it out."

"Can I read it, Rick? I'll let you read mine." '_You show me yours and I'll show you mine'. Sounds like two little kids talking about their private parts._

"I think that's contrary to what the shrink wanted. I don't want to make this any more difficult than it already will be. You know how I feel about these 'touchy-feely' moments."

"Okay. Go print it out. I just wrote mine on tablet paper. It's not the required number of words but it's what I wrote."

"Mine is a bit more than required but I think the writer in me took over. I'll just be a couple of minutes." He walked toward the office, his eyes looking around for changes but finding none of consequence.

Rick's 'homework exercise' was 22 typewritten pages, single-spaced with double spaces between the paragraphs. Indeed, the 'writer' in him had seized the day. He found a manila folder and tucked his magnum opus inside and left it on the desk for the chunky and odious shrink to read.

"Well, I heard the printer. It sounded like you were printing out one of your novels. So the writer took over? I hope you didn't romanticize it too much. And please tell me you left out all the NC-17 moments?"

"Hold you opinions until you read it, that's all I'm saying."

Rick set out plates and silverware when Kate went to pay for the food. Surprisingly, both deliveries were made within minutes of one another.

"I hope you're hungry, honey, because I ordered for two from each restaurant. Force of habit I guess." She wanted to break through the nervous shell he seemed to have grown since the last time they'd spoken. He seemed very uncomfortable in the loft, as though he were an intruder.

"We can always eat leftovers when Dr. Fong takes periodic breaks to recharge her batteries or go through your underwear drawer."

Kate thought about that for a moment and then allowed the giggle she'd been suppressing burst out. She'd missed these moments of sarcastic banter between them. Since Alexis moved, it seemed like the two of them each felt forced to fill the void she'd left. Some meals had been eaten in comfortable silence. This one was strained.

"Okay, Castle, it's just you and me here. What's wrong? I thought we'd be more comfortable with one another but instead it's like we're both walking on eggs, afraid to say anything that might upset the other person."

"I don't know if this was such a good idea, us having dinner and spending the night together before our sessions begin."

"Why not? I thought the whole idea of these sessions is to ferret out the resentment and anger we both have towards each other and resolve these issues so we can move forward and get married again. What's wrong with getting a head start?"

"I'll be right back." He got up and walked into his old office and brought back the manila folder and handed it to her. "Read. I really don't feel like talking right now. I'm – I'm uncomfortable, Kate, and I feel like I'm forcing myself on you and honestly, you feel it, too."

She took the folder without acknowledging his comment. She did feel uncomfortable but in her case it was a reaction to his reticence and how obviously ill at ease he felt. She didn't agree at all that he was 'forcing' anything at all except maybe his light conversation when it was so obvious that he wanted to say more.

She started to read, her food forgotten. She read page after page and once giggled and looked up and was surprised to see he wasn't sitting across the counter from her. She'd been so enthralled with his prose that she missed him get up and walk into the living room area and just stand, staring out the window at nothing at all.

By the time she finished, she was in tears. He written Kate & Rick in an almost novel form and he'd even included actual dialogue quotes from their more intimate and also angry moments.

"Rick," she breathed, enveloping him in a clumsy embrace against his back, "I never knew how you felt, how you hurt so much and so often. I'm so sorry. I don't think I can do this. I hurt you so badly and – "

"Yeah. I figured as much. Listen, call Dr. Fong and tell her I've had second thoughts. She already thinks I'm the villain so use it to your advantage. I'll call Shelby in the morning and tell her to stop the transfers. I – I – I'll let myself out."

"No! That's not what I meant. I meant the whole 100 days. I don't need 100 days, 100 minutes or even 100 seconds to know that you and I have to be together. I can't breathe without you. I can't _be_ without you. You can't begin to understand that without you there _is no me_. I won't survive without you. I – "

"Beckett, that's crazy talk. You were fine for 32 years before I came along – " She interrupted him again.

"It's Castle. It was destined to be Castle. Not Beckett, not Detective, just Castle. Kate Castle. I want the name back, I want my husband back. Is that so damned hard for you to understand? We don't need therapy, we just need each other and time, baby, that's all. We can fix each other ourselves." She handed Rick her version of 'Rick & Kate'.

"Read it. It's short and not nearly so all-encompassing, but it's from my heart."

_It wasn't love at first sight. It wasn't even like at first sight. It was more like indifference at first sight. All that changed over the course of time. Indifference became grudging acceptance. Acceptance yielded to tolerance. Tolerance faded to liking him and that soon blossomed into loving him and needing him. I love my husband. I want what we had together back. Like it or not, Hannah, that's my version of Kate & Rick. _

"You always were the more direct of the two of us." He reread the short paragraph and quickly counted the words. Seventy-five words summarized how she felt, fewer if you left out her snarky comment to Dr. Fong.

"Don't you believe what I wrote?" She wanted him to see what she wrote and understand what she _felt._

"It's beautiful. Succinct. Concise. Brief. It summarizes things in fewer words than my first sentence. I thought you said you couldn't write, Beckett?"

"Do you believe it, Rick? Forget the literary critique. Do you believe it?"


	23. Time is NOT on their side

_Then and Now_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 23

* * *

><p>"<em>Do you believe it, Rick? Forget the literary critique. Do you believe it?"<em>

He felt trapped. He couldn't breathe and it seemed like the air in the loft had thickened making a deep breath nearly impossible.

"_Do you believe it, Rick? Forget the literary critique. Do you believe it?"_

"Of course I believe you mean what you wrote. That isn't the issue here, Kate. The issue here is 'how do we get back what we lost?' We can't."

"No, Rick, please – "

"You don't trust me. You need me but you don't trust me. Admit it. You were so damned quick to believe that I was having an affair, that you never let me try to explain."

"You just stood there looking like a deer in the headlights, Castle. What was I supposed to think? You never told me a damned thing other than 'I have a writers' meeting on the Coast' or some other BS excuse."

"I couldn't. You know that now. You know why now. You could have known then but you just went into full court press and threw me out. I'm not sure what I would have said, Kate but if the situation were reversed, I'd have listened, no matter how lame it might have seemed."

"Oh, so now it's my fault? This whole mess is my fault. Okay, I admit it. I screwed up. I was shocked, hurt and angry when I found those bank statements."

"First off, you didn't _find_ them, I asked you to check them. Secondly, if you had looked past the checks written to Meredith you might have noticed 'Oncology Associates', 'Wiltshire Labs', 'SoCal Home Nursing' and others."

Kate looked away, unable to face him and the truth behind her actions. He wasn't finished. He was on a rare Castle rant and she had no choice but to hear him out. There was just too much at stake not to listen and at the very least, drag it out into the open and talk about it.

"But all you did was lock and load and blow my ass away. Didn't you even look at the cancelled checks? You're a detective, you might have looked a little further into a 'case' that involved the guilt or innocence of your philandering husband and the continuation of your marriage."

Kate's cheeks colored and she could feel the tears building behind her eyes. He was right. She did shoot first and hadn't even bothered asking questions later. She was primed for his betrayal. She'd expected it. She hadn't trusted him.

"So, that's it? We just give up? We just kiss off 3 years of marriage to experience and move on? Is that what you want, Rick?"

"You don't trust me, Kate. And although I love you more than life itself, I can't be with you the way you want without trust. Love isn't enough. Love is just one part of 'Rick & Kate'. There are so many others. Trust is the glue that holds them, us, together. I can't be the only one who trusts here, Kate. We were doomed from the start but I was too damned head over heels to admit it. You don't trust me. You _never_ trusted me. Hell, I don't think you even trust yourself."

"I do trust you, Rick. I trusted you with my heart and soul and – "

"Sounds like a lyric to a country song, Kate. You don't trust me. If you did, we wouldn't be divorced, I wouldn't be living on a boat, this never would have happened. I'll spend the night on the _Muse_. Call me in the morning after you decide about this therapy thing. I don't think we have a chance in hell without someone else's help so if you decide not to do the therapy thing, I'll call Shelby and cancel the transfers."

"No, don't go, please! We need to talk this out. Maybe you're right about me not trusting you but I can learn. You'll just have to help me. I don't think I know how to trust so you'll have to help me with that, too. If you love me, Rick, as much as you say you do, you won't leave tonight, you won't turn your back on me."

"I don't know if I can teach someone how to trust. I think Fong may be able to point us in the right direction and get us started but I can't do it. I wouldn't know where to begin."

"I'll make it simple for you. Stay if you want to make this work or go if you don't think it's worth the trouble. There. Stay or go."

"I had the idea of couples therapy, Beckett, not you. After you made a commitment in the hotel suite I suggested it. If all you want is 'company' – "

"You don't trust me, do you, Rick? That's what's stuck in your throat. You don't trust me. I'm just like the other two now. I cheated on Rick Castle and so now I'm ex-wife #3, right?"

"I forgave you for that. It's not an issue, Beckett."

"The hell it's not! It's a wall between us now. "

"This whole thing played out just as I expected although the trigger wasn't your infidelity like I expected – it was 'fidelity', mine to those damned promises. Still, we managed 3 years and that's more than I expected. The thing with Josh – not really an issue, is it? It was a one-time thing, right?"

"How can you even ask that question, Castle? How can you – "

"I'll be here at 7pm tomorrow night, Kate, unless you call me and let me know you've canceled out. G'night."

He pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth and left her standing wondering if she'd really blown it. She'd given him an ultimatum and he'd chosen the losing side and still came out ahead. It wasn't a competition but she felt like she'd lost something.

* * *

><p>'<em>Fickle Muse'<br>_New York City Yacht Club

Castle made his way on board the _Muse_ and flipped on the lights and poured himself a water glass full of single malt – the good stuff and dropped in a splash of water and an ice cube and went back up on deck and watched the lights of the city.

If he had to bet, he'd bet that Beckett would call him first thing in the morning and tell him that she'd had second thoughts and had already canceled the therapy sessions. Part of him hoped she would. Part of him recognized the real truth in what they'd said to each other about trust.

He finished his drink, startled that it was empty and chewed on the half-melted ice cube, just enjoying the cool of the evening and the peace he felt at that moment.

For one of the few times in his life he'd given up total control of his fate to someone else. It was all up to Beckett. Despite her spoken desires, she really wasn't totally unhappy with being divorced. Rick totally believed that her 'need' for him was generated in part by pure boredom.

'_Would we be this lost if she still had her job at the precinct? Could we have weathered the storms if she had something other than being 'Mrs. Richard Castle' to define her?'_

He didn't think so.

He was feeling no pain after finishing his third whiskey. Castle was pretty certain that this time tomorrow he'd be on his way south to Florida. After that, who knew? Maybe he'd turn left at Miami and see just how long it would take him to reach the shores of Spain or North Africa.

He'd fallen asleep fully clothed and had to struggle to find his cell phone that insisted on squawking at him rudely.

"H'lo?"

"Did I wake you?"

"Yeah. What time is it?"

"Almost noon. Listen, about the couples therapy thing – "

"It's okay. I understand. I'll call Shelby after lunch and tell her to stop the transfer." His speech was slightly slurred. He'd killed half the bottle of single malt and didn't realize it and if he had, he wouldn't have cared.

He hung up on her, finished with her. He needed to grab a shower, then call Shelby and then make final preparations to cast off. He wanted to be as far away from New York and her as soon as possible.

* * *

><p>Beckett's Loft<p>

"Rick?" _'He's drunk and he hung up on me! I never got to tell him that I was in for the long haul. Damn him and his insecurities!'_

Beckett threw on shoes and grabbed her purse and headed down to the lobby to catch a cab over to the _Muse._ His father had mentioned his 'death spiral depression' and how Rick had made it worse by drinking heavily and refusing to see someone about it.

'_My dear Kate, you have to understand that he's lost three very important women in his life, four if you count his daughter becoming an independent adult. It's cumulative and accounts for his passive acceptance of events. He refuses to see anyone about it and refuses to recognize that he needs help.'_

Kate called Shelby from the cab on the way to the Yacht Club and confirmed that she wanted the transfer of funds and title to the house on Long Island to go through, regardless of what her husband said.

"Ms. Beckett, keep in mind that he's no longer your husband. I can't force him to accept title. It would be unethical for me not to inform you that – "

"Screw your ethics. You knew he was sick. You knew he was depressed. You say you're his friend. Why didn't you say something or do something?"

"Ms. Beckett, Rick's competency has never been brought into question. If you knew the conversations we had pre-trial, you'd know that the man knows you better than you know yourself. He almost predicted your comments word for word before the Pre-Trial Conference. Now, if there's nothing else, my 1pm appointment is here."

* * *

><p>AN: I'll get around to this eventually. Got issues on the home front.


	24. Mutiny on the Muse

I'm posting this for him. He's been fighting the Big C and won again but got pneumonia and was in hospital for a bit but is home now.

Short but sweet considering how foul his mood has been lately.

Olivia

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now<span>_ by Oldest Man  
>Chapter 24<p>

'_Fickle Muse'  
><em>New York City Yacht Club

She'd been there a few days prior but even her landlubber eyes could tell that the _'Muse'_ was ready to set sail for parts unknown. The catamaran just _looked_ like it was ready to burst out of its moorings into the river and then out to sea.

Kate carefully threaded her way across the pylon that formed a gangway between the outermost pontoon and the craft itself.

"Castle? Rick? It's me, Kate. Where are you?" It had taken her 45 minutes to get a cab and make it to the Club at this time of day and she hoped he wasn't off someplace drowning his sorrows in more alcohol.

Castle was in the shower, head under the cold water, trying to sober up. He wanted to cast off as soon as he was sober enough. Even in his current state of mind, he wasn't a total fool. Threading his way through river traffic and then through the harbor and out throught the Narrows would be difficult enough sober.

She heard the shower running in the master cabin and was going to make coffee but she had no idea how to work the stove so instead she set about finding every bottle of liquor and emptying it over the side. She had a plan and everything depended up keeping him sober and busy.

Castle turned off the shower head and then stripped off the t-shirt he was wearing and used it to roughly towel his hair. He threw it down and grabbed a real towel and walked through the companionway towards the galley, drying his hair as he went.

Kate was sitting, curled up against the bulkhead, at the galley table watching him approach. The water dripping off him made her stomach clench and the way his efforts to dry his hair made the muscles in his arms and chest ripple quickened her pulse.

Rick dropped the towel around his shoulders and went through the preparations for coffee. Priming the stove took just a few seconds and soon he'd have hot coffee in him, completing the 'sobering up' steps. He glanced at the binnacle-mounted clock and grinned. He'd be at sea well before 5pm and beating south towards Miami. Once clear of the sea lanes, he'd set the sails and kill the diesel engine and let nature's winds take him south.

Kate had watched her husband (still so in her own mind and heart) make preparations for coffee. He seemed in his element aboard the _'Muse'_ and she wished he'd trusted her with his secret get-away. She'd never been sailing before and looked forward to accompanying him wherever he was headed. She'd been smart for once and grabbed all her IDs and her passport when she'd left the loft.

Castle walked over to a built-in chart cabinet and dropped the chart table and pulled a large laminated chart from its slot and fixed it to the table with large bungee cords. He fiddled around with something in a drawer and returned with calipers and a compass.

"Going somewhere without me, sweetheart?" Her soft voice startled him and he dropped the calipers in surprise and bent to retrieve them and banged his forehead against the edge of the chart table when he bent over.

"Ow! Jesus, Beckett, I'm not as young as I once was. Trying to collect on my life insurance by giving me a freaking heart attack?"

She hurried over to check on him. He'd really cracked his head hard and she led him over to the table and pushed him into a booth and sat beside him.

"Let me see what you've done to yourself, Rick." She pushed his hair up and saw a nasty bump beginning to swell just at the hairline.

"You got any ice in this floating mancave of yours? It will help bring down the swelling. Show me where the refrigerator is and I'll get you fixed up in no time."

Castle pointed to a mahogany-laminated cabinet door that Kate had at first thought was a pantry or storage unit. It was a full refrigerator, emphasis on _full_ as in chock full of perishables and beer. The lower half was a freezer unit that pulled out like a drawer and was stocked with steaks, hamburger patties and some unlabeled items and a bag of ice cubes.

"Want a beer, Rick?" Testing the waters. She took out some cubes and then took the towel from around his shoulders and made an 'ice bag' of sorts.

"No! Haven't eaten since…since I don't remember. And I've had enough alcohol for a while." He sighed when she put the ice against his forehead. It was starting to throb although he couldn't really determine if it was the bump or a hangover. Either way, it helped.

Kate looked at him carefully. In the harsh fluorescent lighting of the galley she could see how tired he was, how weary he was. There were dark circles under his eyes and wrinkles in his forehead that she swore hadn't been there a year ago. The light may have exaggerated the crow's feet around his eyes, but not the abject weariness.

"You look like you could use a nap. I know I could. Show me to your cabin, my captain, and join me?"

"Kate, I have plans. Since we're not doing the couples thing I made – "

"You hung up before I finished. I was going to tell you that I was 'all-in' but you leaped to the wrong conclusion but it might just be for the best."

His heart skipped a beat and he looked up at her with a mixed look of resignation and determination and he saw that Kate looked almost satisfied with his response.

"I've made plans now. Maybe I made a rash judgment but it's the best thing for me now. The therapy thing won't work no matter how much we both want it. Maybe it would work with normal couples but not with us. We're anything but normal."

"Yeah. That's why I called Dr. Cruella Fong and told her to 'fuck off'. I've reached the same conclusion, Rick. We're not like other couples. We're unique and only something unique will bring us back together again."

"You told Hannah to – "

"Yeah. She started right in on me, dictating crap, and I just snapped and, well, I'll pay her fee but I won't put up with her disrespecting us, no matter how screwed up we are."

"I'll bet she's never been told that by a patient before." He squelched a chuckle. It wasn't funny. It had been their last chance.

"I've decided that what we need is total immersion in day-to-day situations. No outsiders. No distractions. Just us dealing with each other. So – "

"Sounds like Beckett's version of Fong-do."

"Fong-do. Nice. So, as I was saying before you cut me off, Richard," this last said with a certain Detective Beckett tone, "I want to sail this floating mancave of yours someplace isolated, maybe Bermuda or Antigua, where the trip itself will help heal us."

"You want to sail away from the city and all you have, on the spur of the moment idea that this will somehow help us get back together? You do know that this boat has no 'place to get away to', limited options to combat boredom, and absolutely no privacy, Beckett?"

"I hadn't planned on needing privacy, sweetheart, or much in the way of clothes for that matter, either. I said 'us, just dealing with each other', remember? I brought my passport and my credit cards, what else do I need?"

He opened his mouth but nothing came out. Absolutely speechless, he could only move his jaw as if speaking.

"Cat got your tongue, Ricky?" She was certain that she had him now. It was a done-deal.


	25. Learning the Ropes

_Then and Now_ by Oldest Man  
>Chapter 25<p>

* * *

><p>Aboard the Catamaran <em>Fickle Muse<em>

_"Cat got your tongue, Ricky?" She was certain that she had him now. It was a done-deal._

Rick's mind was going in one direction but his body was not capable of following. He had an image of his lithe wife (_ex-wife, Rick, damn it, ex-wife_) scampering about the deck of the _Muse_ wearing nothing but a tan and a brilliant but taunting smile short-circuited his brain for a few instances.

"I want you off the _Muse _and _–" _

"_No! _I won't leave you again. Not now, not ever!"

"I need you to go the Chandlery shop and pick up things you'll need, feminine hygiene stuff, toothpaste, a toothbrush, hair stuff, whatever you need to a long voyage. You have 90 minutes so I suggest you move it, Beckett. I sail in 95 minutes whether you're here or not."

There was no smile in his voice. He'd taken control again and he was once again the master of his own fate.

"I'll be back long before that. Just make damned sure you're still here when I get back."

She laughed and walked quickly out onto the deck and then the dock. Her mind was making a list of what she'd need and things she'd like to have along. She could barely keep from laughing again. He was still the same man, the 'take-charge' guy when he had to or felt he had to. Ninety minutes? She'd do it in thirty.

* * *

><p>Chandlery Shop<br>NY Yacht Club

She kept one eye on the clock and the other on shelves as she walked briskly up and down, clucking her tongue at the limited choice of such things as tampons but laughing at the wide range of cosmetics and skin care products. Apparently the yacht set knew the damage UV rays did to aging Divas' skin.

Kate was back on board within 45 minutes and smirking. Rick was lying down again, sleeping, and she knew from the deep snores that she'd have to waken him if they were going to leave by his appointed deadline.

She poured herself a cup of Blue Mountain blend that she knew was Castle's mainstay and then went to see what she could make of the laminated chart affixed to the chart table.

Kate traced a finger down a course plotted in grease pencil that ended in the Florida Keys with a large question mark as if he had been uncertain of it as a final destination or whether the question mark symbolized 'where to next'. For now, it was a waypoint in their journey back together, nothing more.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes before his deadline, she roused him, shoved a cup of coffee in his hands and told him she was ready. He snickered and sipped his coffee, watching her over the rim of the cup.<p>

"What's so funny, Rick? I made it back early but let you sleep. Are you sure you don't want to put off leaving until tomorrow morning when you're rested?"

"Nope. Just imagining the look on your face when you noticed the 'old lady aisle' as Alexis called it."

"The 'skin-care for aging beauties' aisle? Yeah. I got some sun block for us. It's been a while since I spent time bare-assed in the sun. Not since Antigua."

Antigua. Both of their faces blanked and their eyes seemed to lose focus. Antigua. Kate's thoughts centered on the sense of oneness she'd felt for the first time in her life. Rick's thoughts were more practical and male – he thought of the hammock, the bed, the Jacuzzi, the small pool formed at the base of a waterfall, endless nights and beautiful woman who made it all possible.

"Yeah, Antigua. We need to get moving, Beckett. I don't want to traverse the narrows at dusk. It's going to get crowded if we compete with a RoRo or a crude carrier."

Kate had no idea what a 'Ro-Ro' was but understood the implications of a small sailing craft in competition with a crude carrier. She looked at him for instructions, that specific 'what now' look telling him that she understood.

"Switch to something comfortable and loose the hard-bottomed shoes. You'll need purchase on deck so slip on tennis shoes or go barefoot. I'll start the engine and prepare to cast off. You'll want to watch and see how it's done in case – "

He didn't finish and he saw that he didn't have to. _' – in case you have to do it alone.' _They both understood what was meant but chose not to give voice to it. Besides, Kate knew that it only made sense to know how to 'run' the cat in emergencies.

"I bought tennis shoes at the Chandlery. Give me two minutes and I'll watch how you do the cold-start." She knew a thing or two about power boats but was totally lost when it came to anything powered by the wind and was smart enough to know when to admit ignorance.

* * *

><p>Kate was a quick study. Once he explained how to do a cold start on the small diesel he leaned back and motioned her to do it. He smiled tightly when the small engine kicked over and then went to the cockpit and motioned her to stand at the wheel while he cast off their mooring lines and pulled in the rubber bumpers that kept the pontoon hull from tearing itself apart on the stationary dock.<p>

She watched him like a hawk, half-afraid that he'd hop out onto the dock and walk away and half-afraid he'd fall and breathed a sigh when he returned to her side.

"Okay. It's just like a car except the gas pedal is this lever and there is no brake so be sure you know what you're going to do before you do it. Go ahead. Take us out, Kate."

He sat back and smiled that same tight smile and watched as Kate went through a brief moment of hesitation, an equally brief moment of planning and then the sureness of her motions as she pushed the power up and steered slowly out of moorage and into the river.

He explained the buoy system and the land-based markers and told her to 'keep it in the center' and then went below decks, returning a few minutes later with two lidded coffee mugs. Rick showed her where to 'stow' the mug so it wouldn't spill and then motioned her to 'get a move on'. His tight smile betrayed just the hint of smug pride.

Kate always associated the river with body drops, floaters, and murders, so she was surprised to realize just how beautiful it was when viewed from the perspective of the surface. Other than instructions, Rick hadn't said anything since they'd cast off from the Yacht Club and she knew he was watching her every move, 'having her back' in case she got into trouble.

The thought warmed her and she smiled, surprised at the feeling. It had been a long 4 months and she never imagined that she'd be here, now, with him, on a sailboat, beginning a journey that would determine the rest of their lives.

"Relax your grip on the wheel, Beckett, or you're going to ache in the morning. You can take your hands off the wheel entirely for a few moments when we're under power."

"You have no idea how much I'm going to ache in the morning, sweetheart." Her snarky reply was almost drowned out by the horn of a large, to her, cargo vessel that was passing to their port side.

"Watch the wake, Beckett. The _Muse_ tends to – "

_**Splash!**_

The cat tended to drive on through small waves rather than ride up and over them and the bow buried itself in the four foot high wake wave and then rose up and threw an amazing amount of water back along its deck, drenching the unsuspecting Kate.

There was at least four inches of water sloshing around in the bottom of the cockpit before the scuppers could drain it off. Rick watched Kate for the explosion of anger and profanity but it never came. She glanced back over her shoulder and flashed him an incredibly happy smile and then just braced herself for the next wave.

Rick laughed and squeegied water from his hair with both hands and watched as the _Muse_ buried her bows in the smaller wave and drenched its crew again. Kate's laughter echoed his own and soon they were through the wake and back into relatively calm waters.

"Beckett, you handled that a lot better than Alexis did the first time it happened to her. All she could do was glare at me and holler about her hair and the effects of 'river pollution on hair'."

"Well, it doesn't appear to have damaged her hair, Rick."

"It's all grown back now, thank the follicle gods."

"What?" Her mind has conjured up an image of auburn hair falling out and landing on the deck and her lap. She turned to glare at him but stopped when she saw that he's grinning from ear to ear.

"Gotcha, Becks!" He looked so happy and relaxed that her glare softened and she found herself returning his smile. "Yeah, Rick, you sure did."

* * *

><p>They passed through the Narrows and Rick moved across the deck and began to 'make sail' as Kate watched carefully. He lectured her as he went about his tasks.<p>

"Keep one hand on the boat rail or ratline at all times, beckett. The rule is 'one hand for the ship, one for the man'. If you go overboard sailing alone, you're dead. If you go overboard with just the two of us, just stay calm and I'll do a 270 and pick you up in a few minutes."

She let her mind take her to 'a dark and stormy night' with Rick sailing alone, trying to take in the sails and being dragged overboard by a huge wave that crashes down and across the _Muse. _She sees him floating, treading water, until exhaustion and exposure combine to drown him.

It's not an image she can shake out of her head lightly. _He was going to sail to Florida alone? _

Rick plopped down in the cockpit and blew out a breath. "Whoo! That sail wasn't that heavy the last time I set it. I can't wait to pop the spinnaker. I've never had the new one up or seen its logo."

Kate sat down beside him and just stared at him. Rick could see anger and turmoil in her eyes and he wondered what he'd done this time to warrant her ire. Maybe this was 'Kate 2.0'? He'd heard that divorce changed people. It had certainly changed him.

"If you go overboard sailing alone", she punched him hard in the shoulder, "you're dead!" She punched him again.

"Hey! Damn it, that hurts! Back off, Beckett. I told you that to make a point. Keep one hand on the damned boat. Hit me again and I'll find a place to drop you off and you can go back to New York, understand me?" He was pissed that she'd punched him.

"You wouldn't do that, would you? I'm sorry I popped you, okay? I just had this image of you drowning alone and it's freaked me out, okay? You were going to sail off alone knowing that one slip and you'd be dead. Why?"

"I thought I was the one with the vivid imagination here, Beckett." He rubbed his shoulder to soothe the ache. He'd forgotten what a punch from her felt like. He didn't answer her question, letting it die on its own.

"Kate! Kate! It's not Beckett, it's not 'Detective', it's Kate. Kate Castle!" Her nostrils flared and her lips pressed into a white line. She hated it when he called her Beckett. It reminded her of the precinct and of the divorce, both huge mistakes.

Taking the wheel and looking ahead, he replied quietly but without malice, "Kate Beckett, not Kate Castle. You went back to your maiden name, remember?"

"You _insisted_ on it."

"I wanted to make it easier for you to move back into your old groove, your old life. 'Detective Castle' was my nom de joke. 'Detective Beckett' is who you were meant to be. I was a fool for trying to get you to quit back then, even if I had valid reasons."

The same thought had occurred to her many times but she knew the answer better than he did. He didn't want to be left alone with only her grave for comfort. It was the same reason she'd reacted so violently to the thought of him sailing alone, drowning alone. His own creed, 'no one should die alone', didn't seem to apply to him.

"Take the wheel. I'm going downstairs for a while." She let go and walked toward the closed cabin hatch.

"Below. It's 'I'm going below', not downstairs."

"Whatever, Rick. I just don't want to be up here with you right now." She was so angry at the thought of him sailing alone. The anger was not towards him. She was angry with herself for being so stubborn and taking so damned long to drag him back to her side.

"Second thoughts already?" He knew just where he'd put in and drop her off. She could get transportation back to New York without any hassles.

"You wish. I'm here until we're one again. I just want to get out of these wet panties. Don't want me to chafe, do you?" She tried to sway her hips but it was hard to do when he sent the wheel hard over. She almost tumbled over the side and she jerked around and glared at him. He'd already grabbed her around the waist with one arm.

"Just reinforcing a lesson, Bec – Kate. One hand on the boat at all times." He was serious and she knew she'd forgotten his lesson. He was also quietly driving home the point that he was a better sailor than she was and she'd better learn her lessons quickly.

She held on to the tack rail and put the other around his waist and kissed him, running her tongue across his lips and then finally sighing and letting loose and going 'below'.

He was acting more like 'Beckett' than 'Castle' and she needed to revise her game plan.


	26. Feeding the Fishes

**The Devil made me do it - honest.**

_Then and Now_ by Oldest Man  
>Chapter 26<p>

Aboard the Catamaran _Fickle Muse  
><em>6 miles east of Cape May, New Jersey

It was long past sunset. The lights of the Jersey shore were easy to make out just at the horizon while east was black as pitch. Kate was leaning against him, fighting to stay awake. This was the closest they'd been since the hotel in Arlington and he found it hard not to put both arms around her. He kept one on the wheel and wondered about sleeping arrangements.

Kate was in between awake and asleep and wiggled closer to Rick. She wasn't cold, just drawn to his heat like a moth to a flame. He always seemed warmer to her than she was and that's probably why she'd awakened so many mornings practically laying on him.

"Honey, when are you going to pull over and park this thing for the night? I think we both could use something to eat and then some sleep."

Rick laughed and squeezed her tighter before moving his arm from around her.

"See any land around here, Kate? If you're hungry, take over here and I'll go down and pop something into the microwave." He laughed again as she gave him her patented 'asshole' look and took over steering.

Kate couldn't read the dials on the cockpit control panel without a light but figured, from her watch, that they must be off the coast of Virginia by now. Maybe they could pull over and dock in Norfolk? Surely the Navy would have room for a tiny thing like the _Fickle Muse? _She was hungry and tired and knew that Rick must be feeling tired since he'd done all the work.

* * *

><p>The <em>Muse<em> didn't have a microwave but he used the next-best thing to it: hot water and LurpRats. He got Mac 'n Cheese while he splurged and got Kate a Ravioli dinner. Once he got the water boiling he just dumped the packet contents into deep bowls and poured in boiling water and stirred the dehydrated chunks vigorously. He grabbed two beers and went up on deck and handed her a spoon, her bowl and a beer and then retrieved his own and returned to her side.

Her first bite was his undoing. He watched as she tried to figure out what it was she was eating from the various flavors since no one in their right mind could have identified it from it's appearance.

He started to smile, and then squelched a chuckle as her eyes rolled to the left as her brain went into hyper drive cataloguing taste, smell, after-taste, and texture. It was texture that would throw her off. It always did.

"Hey, this is good. What is it?" It _was_ good and she knew that Rick's culinary talents tended to create bizarre concoctions, some of which were actually edible but this was foreign but familiar. It was _good_.

"Ravioli a la Castle. The taste and smell and nutrition are intact but the actual substance has been dehydrated. It's backpacker's stuff I keep on hand because it doesn't ever go bad. Add boiling water, stir vigorously and thoroughly and you have what you're eating."

"It's good but it looks like – "

"Someone already ate it once? Yeah, the look and texture leave a lot to be desired but it's filling and nutritious and you can get a lot of Lurps in a small space."

"Lurps? Sounds like something you'd invent."

"Hey, now! I'll have you know that these were invented for Long Range Recon Patrols in the Vietnam theater of operations, thus L-R-R-P rations or Lurp-Rats."

"I'll take your word for it. So, what did you get?" She was curious. His looked vaguely like baby spit-up.

"Mac 'n Cheese. Try it." He held out his plastic spoon and offered her a bite that she took gladly.

"Not bad but I think I'll stick to my Ravioli dinner, thank you very much. So, is this typical of meals on the _Muse_?"

"Nope. Just when I'm lazy or the weather's rough. You saw the refrigerator and freezer. I just wanted to get something into you quickly since we were both so hungry."

She had a rude thought and blushed. _'I wish he'd get something a little more substantial into me. _

He knew instantly what she was thinking and that made her smile but she could feel the heat pouring off her face.

"We need to talk about sleeping arrangements, Kate." He looked at her in earnest and that look made her blush even more.

"I'll sleep up here tonight since we need to be extra careful passing the Chesapeake Bay lanes but after that we can set up a schedule – "

"Wait a damned minute, Richard Castle! I didn't come on this floating mancave to sleep alone, damn it. We sleep together wherever we go, understand? We need intimacy to work on our other issues, not distance."

"Fine, but don't bitch tomorrow when you feel like crap. I'm going below to try and call Alexis. I forgot to tell her about the change in plans and I don't want her to worry. Take the wheel. Keep the compass heading and call out if you see anything big on the horizon." He toggled on the cockpit lights and went below.

* * *

><p>He called Alexis after checking the time. It was just 10pm in California and he figured she'd be awake.<p>

"Who is this?" She sounded upset and Rick realized he was using his 'new' phone without caller ID.

"It's your father, brat. I'm going to be quick since I'm on the _Muse_ heading south. I'll be out of shore range so don't freak out if you can't reach me for a few days. I'm heading for the Keys and then I'll decide where to head from there."

"Dad, sorry, but I didn't recognize the caller ID. What happened to the immersion therapy?" She dreaded the answer although if he was on the cat heading south, he was running away from _her_.

"Change of venue. Kate's with me. She doesn't understand the sleeping arrangements so she's going to sleep in the cockpit with me."

"You explained about traffic, right? She doesn't think it's because you don't want to – "

"When has she ever really listened, Lex? I'll explain it but she won't accept it. Wait until tomorrow when she can hardly move around."

"That's mean, Dad, even for you."

"Life's mean, pumpkin. Gotta go. Say hi to Joe for me. And tell him 'no grandkids' until you're married, understand me?"

"Yeah, listen, about that…"

"You're not – "

"No! We just, uh, we're taking a break is all. Seeing other people. I guess I suck at relationships. Must be genetic."

Her words stung him, hurt him and she knew it. "Sorry, Dad. I'm just in the dumps rights now. I – " The signal started to fail as they got further from the coast.

He ran up and pushed Kate to the side and turned the wheel hard over to starboard and handed Kate the cell phone.

"Talk to your daughter. She's in relationship hell and she needs her mom not her worthless genetically-damaging old man. I'm heading east to hold the signal."

"Alexis, it's Kate. Alexis?" All she got was static and then dead air and a display that said 'call dropped – signal lost'.

"Call dropped. What did she say? Joe didn't dump her, did he?" _And what's with the genetically-damaging old man' comment?_

"Lex said they were 'taking a break' and seeing other people. She's upset and it's all my fault. Bad parenting, bad examples, rotten examples. She says it's genetic."

"Rick, you know she didn't mean – "

"I don't care what she meant, get her back on the phone and talk some sense into her. She and Joe are perfect for one another and he's so nuts about her he'll go along with whatever she wants. It's what happened when she first came back here. It's my fault, damn it. I should have been more supportive and less of a wise ass!"

She knew there was no talking with him now, not when he was in such a dark mood. Kate went below and tried calling Alexis again but got a 'no service'.

She called up to Rick that she still had 'no service' and would keep trying. He nodded while debating dropping the sails and using the diesel but figured the time it took to bring in the sails would negate any gains from speed.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later Kate called up to him that she had dial tone and would call Alexis. Castle just nodded and set out to trim sail to drop her speed. He didn't want to lose headway but he didn't want to get too close to shore either.<p>

"Lex, it's Kate. Your dad's upstairs driving the _Muse_ in to shore so talk, Lex. Tell me what's wrong."

"We broke up. Joe asked me to marry him when I graduate and he had a ring and everything. I was going to say 'yes' but then he said something that hurt me so bad that I just told him 'no' and I'm moving out, back to my own place."

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm sure he didn't know that what he said would be hurtful."

"He said he'd never be like my Dad and that he was a one-girl guy. He said that – "

"There's _nothing_ wrong with your father, Alexis Castle, nothing at all! We all cheated on him and we all took advantage of – look, we're working things out, Lex, your father and I. We're going to make this work. We both want it but we have to deal with some problems we have. You need to talk to Joe, Alexis, and explain your father's past relationships and don't you dare pull any punches. And your father is _not genetically damaged!"_

"He thought I meant that he was – I meant that _I _was damaged. I knew he was hurt but I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm so afraid of turning into my mother. I saw how she made a mess of my Dad's life. Let me talk to him, Kate. I didn't mean what he thought I did."

"I'll handle your father. You go handle Joe. I expect a report within a few hours, Alexis Castle. Your father is hurting so I'll end this conversation on this note: Do not ever let anyone bad mouth your father. He's a wonderful man and we're both lucky he's been in our lives. Now, go fix it with Joe."

She ended the call and put the phone in her jacket pocket and went back up to the cockpit. Castle had tied off the wheel and was taking in the sail, probably in preparation for changing over to diesel and she held her breath and watched him dance along deck.

The _Muse_ slowed and Castle signaled Beckett to start the engine as he finished furling the mainsail. He was midway between the main mast and the winch that would crank down the jib when the engine kicked in and she gave it full power. The deck seemed to leap from under his feet and he went over the side.

Kate saw him disappear over the side and immediately cut power and then she remembered Rick's comment about a 270 degree turn and she increased power and threw the wheel hard over and scanned the sea for her husband. Watching the compass carefully, she steered straight ahead once she'd turned 270 degrees but there was still no sign of Rick.

She was almost frantic and rummaged through the storage bin beneath the seat and found a large spotlight and a Very pistol. She fired the flare gun and then flicked on the lamp and began a slow scan of the moving surface of the sea.


	27. Flares and Scares

Last of the angsty stuff.

_Then and Now_ by Oldest Man  
>Chapter 27<p>

* * *

><p>Aboard the Catamaran <em>Fickle Muse<br>_Now 10 miles east of Cape May, New Jersey

None of her training had prepared her for a situation such as this. She had no backup, she had no plan of action, nothing. All she had was an overwhelming need to find her husband.

Beckett rummaged around in the storage bin and found another set of aerial flares and fired off two in quick succession hoping he'd see them and swim towards the _Muse_.

She had the sinking feeling that she'd blown it with the radical turn she'd made moments after he'd gone over the side and that he was hurt and desperately treading water miles away.

Castle was only 50 yards away, directly ahead of the drifting _Muse._ The high tech life vest he'd hastily put on before attempting to lower the sails had automatically inflated when the sensor became wet and that had saved his life. The strobe light attached to the shoulder of one shoulder of the floatation device began to blink.

* * *

><p>Kate stood on the stern of the <em>Muse<em> sweeping the spotlight over the swells and calling out his name. Calls became screams of desperation as only silence and the sounds of the sea and the quiet rumble of the diesel answered.

It seemed like hours to her but it had actually been less than 25 minutes since Rick had gone over the side. Her cell vibrated in her pocket and she almost dropped the spotlight in surprise.

"What? I don't have time – "

"Mom! What's wrong? I just called to – "

"He went over the side when I gunned the engine and then I did that turn he taught me and now I can't find him. I killed him, Lex! He's out there treading water and I've fired flares – "

"Kate! Beckett! Listen, if you did the Williamson Turn, the 270 degree thing, he's ahead of you, not behind you. Go to the bow, er, the damned front of the boat, and use the spotlight that's under the cushions in the cockpit. Find a boat hook and fish him out! Don't go in after him because you won't be able to get back aboard."

"Okay, I'm on it. I'll call you – "

"Wait! There are specialty flotation devices under the other seat cushion. There are three. Put one on before you leave the cockpit!"

Kate threw the other seat cushion aside and opened the lid and found _two,_ not three, devices and thanked God that Rick had the sense to put one on. "He's got one on, Lex! I'm going forward now."

Donning her own, Kate hung up the phone and stuffed it back into her jacket pocket and rushed to the bow of the boat. She could hear Rick's voice admonishing her to _'keep one hand on the boat, Beckett, or you'll go over the side.' _He should have listened to his own advice. He had let go just as she'd added too much power to the engine and gone over the side.

She saw a light flashing ahead of the _Muse_ and ran back to the cockpit, slipping once and almost going over the side herself.

Again she heard Castle's voice in her head, this time screaming at her to _'Slow down, damn it, and think before you act! You need a boat hook and how the hell are you going to see where to go?'_

He was right, damn him!

* * *

><p>She was panicking and needed to calm down and figure out how she was going to pull him on board. Kate restarted the diesel engine and moved slowly toward the flashing light, keeping it about 10 yards to starboard and as she got closer, the strobe light itself illuminated Rick's bloody head over and over.<p>

She maneuvered the boat so that he was between the main hull and the outrigger and cut the engine and leaned over and hooked his life vest and pulled him against the hull. Her arms were too short to reach down and grab his vest so she just pulled him up like some fish on a hook. She dragged his unconscious body back to the cockpit and put him on the seat and then surveyed the damage.

When he'd gone over the side he'd hit something or he was possibly struck by the pontoon or, she cringed, the prop. She didn't know or care. Right now her primary goal was to carefully fold back the flap of scalp that was hanging down over his forehead and then put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding.

Kate saw the 'red cross' on the box under the wheel and pulled a small first aid kit from its brackets and then sat down beside him and pulled his head into her lap. She felt like vomiting because of the wound and the blood but she kept her head and found a pack of gauze pads and carefully positioned the flap of scalp back and then applied pressure with one hand while speed dialing Alexis with the other.

"I've got him on board. He's got a gash in his scalp. Listen, I need to get him to a hospital and I don't know where we are or – " Her voice was rising in panic and Alexis cut her off.

"Listen, Mom, calm down. Get the bleeding stopped first. You know how to do it. Think like a cop for a change. Once you get the bleeding under control, call me back and I'll walk you through using the SSB radio so you can call for help. You're doing great, Mom! Just be Beckett for a while and not Kate and you'll be okay."

Alexis hung up but Kate heard her say to someone before she did that "She's the mother I should have had, Joe – "

_At least they're talking to each other. I need more gauze or clean cloths. These are soaked through.'_

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a helicopter approaching and suddenly she was awash in the prop wash as the helicopter hovered over the boat and was almost blinded by the bright spotlight that shined down on the _Muse._

She threw herself over Rick to protect him from the prop wash and after what seemed like hours, someone grabbed her and pulled her away from Rick and shouted in her ear.

"I'm a Coast Guard rescue swimmer. We saw your distress flares but we had to return to base to refuel. We'll haul him up and have him in the hospital in no time. I'll stay aboard and take your boat into port. You'll need to stay aboard. No room for passengers and he looks like he needs attention quickly."

She stared at the man in the wetsuit and mask and just nodded her head. The man said something into a mike on his gear and it seemed like only seconds until a wire mesh litter dropped down on a wire line and he put Castle into it, securing him with straps. A few seconds later silence descended as Kate watched the helicopter fly off toward the lights of the shore.

* * *

><p>The longest two hours of Kate's life were spent trying to urge more speed out of the <em>Muse's<em> tiny diesel but it was time spent not worrying about her husband, the man whom she'd almost killed with her carelessness. The 'swimmer' tried to reassure her that Castle would be fine but it did little to assuage her guilt so she focused on speed. She'd melt down later when she was certain that 'later' would include him in her life.

* * *

><p>The Coast Guardsman brought the <em>Muse<em> alongside a wharf and helped Kate secure her and then led Kate to a shed along side the wharf and made a call, listened, acknowledged his orders and then led her to a pickup truck parked just beyond the guard shack.

"He's going to be fine. They're awaiting the results of x-rays before they stitch him up and then transfer him to a civilian hospital in Cape May. I'll drop you off there and then alert the Shore Patrol to keep an eye on your boat."

Kate thanked him for everything he'd done but he basically blew her off with 'just doing my job' and then drove quickly to the base dispensary and pointed her in the right direction.

* * *

><p>A nurse greeted her with all the right words and handed her forms to complete and then disappeared for a while, returning with coffee and a blanket.<p>

"I figured you could use both. It's cold in here and you've been through a lot. There's a cot in the first room. They'll be a while yet so maybe you should make whatever phone calls you need to make and then take a nap. I promise I'll wake you the second we know something."

Kate wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and sipped the coffee gratefully. She nodded at the nurse and smiled thinking that this woman was wasted here and should be in a big city hospital. Her caring was so apparent and welcome and Kate told her so.

"We don't get a lot of happy endings here and we're due for one. As for a big city hospital? Been there, done that, got the scars. No thanks. I'm where I belong."

Kate walked into the room with the cot, actually a bed, and sat down and felt the weight of the day come crashing down on her but she knew she had to call Alexis back.

"He's going to be fine. They're x-raying his head before they stitch him up. I haven't seen him since they flew him off the _Muse_ but the people here are super nice and I'm sure he's going to be fine. Once they fix him up they'll transfer him to a civilian hospital here in Cape May for a day or so."

"I can be on the next flight out, Mom. You shouldn't be going through this alone. We've all been alone too much this past year. I'm taking mostly independent study seminars so there are really no 'classes' to miss."

"Lex, if he's well enough, I want to push on to the Keys and work on our Hundred Days plan. Believe it or not, this might have been a good thing. We're building trust and even thought this was my fault, I'm hoping this will be the beginning of bringing us back together."

"It was _my_ fault, Mom, not yours! I was the one who said it and got him all upset. It was my fault. Maybe leaving here right now isn't the best option for me either. We both have man-issues to deal with. Call me the instant you know something, okay? You must be exhausted so take the nurse's advice and crash for a bit."

"_Man-issues?_ Alexis, you just might have created a new term for the lexicon. I'm going to take a nap and then I'll call you the instant I know something. Work things out with Joe. I love you, Lex, and I know your Dad won't blame you. He'll find some way to carry the blame, you know how he is."

* * *

><p>It seemed to Kate that she'd just closed her eyes when the nurse nudged her shoulder and told her that she could see 'your husband'. She was up and out the door without thinking about shoes, her hair or anything else. The overwhelming imperative to see him and confirm that he was alive was paramount.<p>

There was a doctor, she assumed, standing outside a closed door and he looked anything but happy.

"I hope to hell you're 'Kate' or can at least pretend to be! He's been 'agitated' and thinks the _Muse_ went down or that you're lost at sea. Man, he's _strong_ for an older dude. Took two of us to hold him down while the boss stitched him up."

"Yeah, I'm Kate and he is strong when he's 'agitated'. You have no idea just how strong he can be. Is he sedated now? I don't hear any yelling."

"He never raised his voice and that was the scary part. Y'know, no yelling, screaming, cursing, just constant attempts to break loose and find you. He made it off the gurney once and that caught us all by surprise. C'mon, he needs to sleep and he won't even blink much until he sees that you're okay."

She thanked him for his courtesy but he corrected her when she called him 'doctor'. "Not a doc. Just a aide. The doc's getting cleaned up. She absolutely hates blood on her and head wounds bleed a lot. Don't wig out at the bandage on his head. It's more to protect the wound and keep it clean."

* * *

><p>He looked like he was wearing a turban. The bandages were wrapped around his head down almost to his eyebrows. Rick's eyes were almost closed but she could tell from all the years of being with him, both before they got together and after their marriage, that he was ready to explode.<p>

"Kate!" He tried to get out of bed but she was beside him in a second and then practically blanketed him with her body.

All the emotions of the past hours rose up and she could relinquish her iron control. Kate began to sob uncontrollably into his chest. All he could do was hold her while she cried quietly and finally, overcome with both relief and fatigue, both fell asleep.


	28. Chapter 28

Just something short.

* * *

><p><em><span>Then and Now<span>_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 28

Aboard the _Fickle Muse  
><em>Marathon, FL

Thirty-three days after they sailed from New York, they put into the marina at Marathon in the Florida Keys. They'd spent almost two weeks in Cape May while Rick recovered enough to resume their sail.

Kate had wanted to go back to New York and just spend time together at the loft or anyplace else they felt like going but Rick had put his foot down and so they left for the Keys the day after his stitches were removed and could lose the 'turban'.

Alexis had insisted on flying in for a weekend to check on her father and to have a 'heart to heart' with Kate. The young woman, now thoroughly engaged, had been burning up the airwaves with twice-daily cell calls since her father's accident.

After telling her mother, never once did Alexis think of Kate as her 'step-mother', how proud she was of her and how grateful she was that Kate had been there for her father, she lowered the 'relationship' boom heavily and almost without mercy.

"Mom, where is this whole thing going? You and Dad shouldn't be dancing around the issues. It's just like you told me that night – "

"Honey, we're finally on the same page. I want to get married again and he's the one balking. He's still got trust issues and – "

"_Trust issues_? Jesus, Mom, you saved his damned life! Trust issues? What better demonstration does he need?"

"It's more than that but I'm working on it. I'm not going to discuss this any further with you. It's between your father and I. Now, tell me all about what really happened that night when you and Joe had your big fight? I see you made up since you're wearing his ring. I can't wait to see the look on your dad's face when he sees it."

"I was an idiot. I was afraid of turning into Meredith and Joe thought, well, we talked it out. He's in the loop as far as why this whole mess between you and Dad happened. He's been apologizing for his smart-assed comment about Dad almost daily."

"Let it go, Lex. Your father was so hurt by it but after I explained just what you meant, he's okay with it. He's not happy about the engagement but like he told me, you're a big girl now and have to make your own mistakes – but he said it with a huge smile. He's happy for you, Alexis, just not thrilled that his little girl isn't so little anymore."

* * *

><p>After Alexis left, Rick and Kate settled into a routine. They'd wake up early, do whatever had to be done to the <em>Muse<em>, change into beach attire and then walk the boardwalk and eat breakfast and then lay around on the beach while Kate tried to tan. Sometimes they'd go to dinner in town but most evenings they just cooked up whatever they felt like and then sat and talked or read.

"Rick, giving any more thought to where we'll go after the Keys?" She didn't really have a preference as long as they were happy and together. She loved the man she was with, even more than before. The 'man overboard' episode had brought home exactly what she had to lose in life.

"I was thinking, if you don't have a problem with it, that maybe we could go to Antigua for a while. We never really got to see the island – mostly just the hotel suite if I remember correctly."

"You didn't seem to mind not doing the tourist thing. If I remember correctly, the only thing you toured was my body."

He laughed and then got that far-away look in his eyes and she knew she had him right where she wanted him.

She slipped a hand down the front of his trunks and giggled.

"Hey, no laughing at the – "

"I was remembering just how often we'd made love in Antigua. God, I don't think there was a flat surface we didn't – "

Now it was Castle's turn to laugh. If he remembered correctly, she was the one who balked every time he'd suggested a night out or an afternoon on a beach or a tourist thing. He frowned though when he remembered the one time they had gone out. The paparazzi had swarmed all over them and he'd finally lost his temper and punched one out earning him an appearance before a local but sympathetic magistrate and a fine.

"Maybe St. Barts or one of the Antilles? I don't know. We'll decide in the next few days. I'd like to spend a few days in Key West, commune with the spirits of Hemmingway and the others."

"I'd love to try the Conch Chowder I've heard so much about." She suddenly bolted from her position against him and lurched to the rail and threw up whatever was in her stomach. He was beside her in an instant, making sure the ponytail she'd adopted on board wasn't in the way.

"Kate, are you pregnant? That's the second time this has happened."

He could count. He knew the process and he could count. His heart felt suddenly heavy and he left her alone at the rail and went below to find her something to rinse her mouth out with.

'_Kate, are you pregnant?' _His words resonated through her as she tried to clear her head and do the math. She filed for divorce in late February and that night with Josh had been in... This was June. She pushed her hand against her lower abdomen but couldn't feel anything unusual. There was no baby bump.

'_There hadn't been when I'd miscarried, either.'_

Not a cliffie. Just really tired and when I get tired I write stupid.


	29. Don't Eat the Yellow Snow

Short. Running out of time and got things to do. Going to see Amanda. Oh yeah, will whoever pissed off Lot's Wife have pity? AngryOli is difficult to manage and I've got to spend hours in a car with her. Pobre APR.

See ya Monday. I'll have this finished by then.

* * *

><p>Chapter 29<p>

"Here, Kate, rinse and then spit. I think we need to get dressed and find a pharmacy, just to be safe, okay?"

"Pharmacy?" She looked up at him with the question still on her lips. He looked sick himself.

"Pregnancy test." He didn't meet her eyes. He couldn't.

"I'm not pregnant, Rick. I was still on the pill back in February when I got stupid. I quit taking them in April. I'm _not_ pregnant!"

"Then it won't hurt to buy a test kit, will it?"

"And if I am pregnant? What then?"

He didn't answer right away. He couldn't. His mind had gone from concerned to creative.

_Watching her blossom and her stomach bulge with new life._

_The smell of new-born baby, baby powder, baby shit – maybe not that – but the scents of new life…_

She misinterpreted his silence and the faraway look on his face for something else entirely and she panicked. She jumped up and went below and started frantically searching for her stuff and stuff it all into a small bag.

"What are you doing, Kate? We don't need to pack to walk into town."

"I'm leaving. The look on your face…"

"What look? I was just thinking about all the good things – "

"Good things? You were doing the math, Castle. You were wondering – "

"I was imagining you at 9 months, then our baby and all the new things and I guess I got lost in it."

"You're not sorry that I might be pregnant?"

"Nope. Best thing ever."

She'd done it again. She'd been stupid just like in February and she just might have thrown away the 'best thing ever' and so she sat down and calmed down.

* * *

><p>Gilbreath's Drugs<br>Marathon, FL

"Honestly, Kate, I think _one_ test kit is enough, don't you?" He was already holding 4 kits from different manufacturers and she'd only reviewed half the selections the store had to offer.

"Some may give 'false positives' and some are more sensitive than others." She really wanted to find a test that would nail down the date of conception. She knew it wasn't Josh's child. She knew it was her ex-soon-to-be-not-so-ex-husband's. She wanted to expunge all doubt.

She sighed and grabbed him by the arm and led him to the check out stand. The lady there shot her a look and said "I think one kit's generally enough, honey", and  
>Rick just smirked. Here was an expert on the kits but would Kate listen to reason?<p>

No.

"Do any of these test kits tell me how pregnant I am?"

The clerk misunderstood and shot her a look and replied, "Honey, if you don't know _how_, by your age, you need to talk to someone."

Castle saw Kate's face harden and he was thanking God that she wasn't 'packing heat' or there would be one dead clerk on the floor.

"She didn't ask you _how_ she got pregnant. She asked you if you had a pregnancy test that would tell her how _far along_ she is." He turned to Kate and said, "Honey, wait outside. I'll take care of this. Go - outside - Kate – now!"

He looked at the clerk and wondered if she'd felt the brush of the Grim Reaper's robes across her shoulders. He forked over the $40 and followed his lady out the door.

He found her sitting on a convenient bench, shoulders shaking and face in her hands. He sat down beside her figuring tears would embarrass her but she snorted and he realized she was laughing.

"Kate, I'm just glad you didn't have your 9mil with you. It would have been – "

"I figured that was why you hustled me out of there. This is ridiculous. It's your baby, Rick. Not Josh's. Not anyone else's." She took his hand and pressed it against her lower abdomen and held there saying, "Flat as a pancake and no discernable baby bump. I panicked and you overreacted to my panic. Let's go back and pee on a stick and see if Lexie's going to be big sister."

* * *

><p>Aboard the <em>Fickle Muse<br>_Marathon, FL

Kate washed her hands and shuddered. Rick was laughing quietly, trying not to be too obvious but unable to totally control his laughter.

"Hey! I don't have a _handle_ on my – oh, never mind. I think four are enough. I don't want to see another water bottle for the rest of the day."

"Kate, guys rule when it comes to pee-writing. I never stopped to think that girls pretended to be grossed out with our abilities to write in the snow because they were eaten up with _envy_!"

"I'd like this kid to know her father so don't make me kill you in your sleep, _yellow journalist_."

Rick ignored the barb and homed in on her choice of pronoun.

"_Her? Her_, Beckett? Do you think it's a girl?"

"Does it matter?"

"Nope. I'd love a little Katie to spoil and Jim will be thrilled with either sex but he'd prefer another turn at getting _her_ raised right this time."

Her love-tap was anything but. "Jesus, Kate – is this what I have to look forward to in the months ahead? Abuse? Long sleeves to hide the bruises? Making up excuses for – "

"Oh, shut up, ya big baby. How long has it been?"

"Uh, I was distracted by you peeing all over the place and I didn't note the time. Does it matter?"

She sighed, flopping back in the deck chair and wondering if it did matter. "Let's just sit here for a few minutes and enjoy our parental status for a moment. If I am, we're going to be parents for the rest of our lives."

They finally walked down from the cockpit to the galley and looked at the four test sticks.

Positive.

YES.

?.

Plus sign.

"Three out of four."

"I think the '?' is yours, Castle. I can't believe you wanted to take a pregnancy test!"

"I established a control group base line. It's scientific and you, of all people, should appreciate how logical that is, especially since – "

She pinched him and he jumped up and crossed over to the galley sink for safety.

"When we get to Key West, will you marry me again, Kate?"

"No. Not yet. Not just because I might be pregnant. Knocking me up doesn't offset the issues we have. It just adds to them."

Rick growled and stormed out of the galley and up on deck. Kate just smiled. He was so easy to manipulate sometimes.

She found her cell phone and speed-dialed Alexis.

"Lex, we're getting married in Key West. I'll get tickets for you and Joe if you can break free? I know it's short notice but I can delay your father for a few days. It doesn't really matter what day we get married as long as you and Joe are with us. Talk to your guy and let me know when you can break loose."

"Oh, thank God he's got his head out of his – "

"Alexis Castle, you're not too big for a spanking, young lady!" _Was_ she becoming abusive?

"Sorry, Mom. I'm just so happy for you and I'm sure Joe will have no problem breaking loose. The elusive particle search has taken a back seat to some stuff at the Linear Super-Collider project so he's basically writing up experiments and finishing some papers. He can do that in the Keys just as easily."

"Good. Call me with details. We'll leave Marathon tomorrow and be in Key West assuming we don't run aground or he doesn't decide to bribe me with a honeymoom in Spain. I caught him looking at charts and plotting routes the other night."

"I'll call. Keep him calm. He's probably ready to stroke-out over this."

Kate hadn't thought about blood pressure problems and went up on deck.

"Castle? I've changed my mind. Alexis and Joe will meet us in Key West. Yes, you big lug, I'll marry you."


	30. Nikki Heat: In Her Own Words

_Then__and__Now_ by Oldest Man

Chapter 30

Aboard the _Fickle__Muse  
><em>247 nautical miles N/NW of Martinique

Somehow, she felt _lighter._ She knew it was her imagination but she did feel different. She felt for her necklace and fingered her mother's ring and felt a moment of panic before she felt her _other_ rings on her ring finger right where they belonged.

The sudden shudder as the _Muse_ploughed through another large swell woke her from the half-sleep she'd been enjoying for the past few minutes. Kate glanced out the porthole and saw a bright and sunny morning awaiting her presence on deck.

She tugged on her bikini bottoms, brushed her teeth and ran a brush through the rat's nest she called hair and walked carefully along the companionway until she reached the galley. Her darling man had made decaffeinated coffee and there was a covered plate of fruit and yogurt sitting on the galley table.

Later. First I have to greet the day and him properly.

The fact that she was topless wasn't given a second thought and she popped out of the hatch and into the cockpit and his arms, kissing him soundly and enthusiastically.

"Morning, Rick." She untangled herself from him and sat herself down on the warm leather seat and admired the view of his muscled back and other parts as he steered.

"Kate, you're a beautiful woman and any other morning I'd love to be greeted by you, naked and warm from sleep but I don't think I'm quite prepared to share you with the crew of Her Majesty's Ship _Achilles._

"Oh, crap!" she said, and covered her breasts and glared at him as she quickly retraced her path to the galley. 75 yards off to starboard was a warship exchanging 'honors' with the sleek catamaran, her watch crew standing at the rails as dictated by tradition. _She_ had apparently rendered them with a special honor. Her fleeting glance had captured at least one camera. _Oh,__crap,__indeed!_

Rick dropped the ensign and then waved to the watch crew and raised the ensign to its proper position and cut a wide swath away from the wake of the much larger craft.

"Kate, it's okay to make an appearance. They're far enough away that you could be naked and they couldn't tell. C'mon, Kate, be nice. Think nice thoughts. Remember what the doc in Key West said – happy thoughts mean a happy baby."

Right now she was not having happy thoughts. She was proof reading what he'd written last night apparently after she'd fallen asleep. It was good but it wasn't what she'd say, this is, not what Nikki would say given that Rook had been seen with another woman in a supper club.

Sure, Nikki had blown off his feeble attempts at a deeper relationship other than 'friends with benefits' but that didn't mean that _he_ was free to pursue something deeper and more meaningful with someone else.

The hypocrisy of her attitude hadn't registered. If it had, she would never say what she'd said to him last night – that 'Nikki was sleeping with warm bodies until the right man came along and if Rook really believed he was her 'right man' he should have waited, alone, until she was ready'.

The look on his face and the cold words he'd said to her had probably been why he'd slept up on deck. She'd seen the blanket and pillow on the cockpit deck but hadn't thought about it until now.

What he said had cut her deeply, the kind of cut you don't feel until someone says, 'You're bleeding'. And then the pain hits you like a ton of very sharp bricks.

"Maybe Rook couldn't handle the constant stream of other 'friends with benefits' that Nikki paraded past him while he sat there, trying to do the right thing, until finally he just had to end the heartache."

Kate's own history with Rick flashed before her mind's eye. Her training officer, Sorenson, Demming and finally, the most hurtful of her panoply of 'friends with benefits', Josh. All the while Castle had sat there, waiting patiently.

'_What if he'd given up like Rook did? What if he'd thought 'no more' and left her side? _

She deleted everything that Rick had written and started typing, a determined look on her face and an icy cold hand around her heart.

* * *

><p><em>Nikki waited outside his apartment for him to return from a dinner date with a woman who was more of a match for him than she was.<em>

_Regina Troy was a reporter at the same newspaper and she and Jameson had been friends for years. When Rook started shadowing Nikki, she'd immersed herself in her job, covering city politics and soon had her own column that appeared beside Rook's._

_While her star rose, his seemed to dim. Rook's editor warned him that 'the facts are there, Jameson, but the heart – there's no heart in your writing anymore. Find your heart or find yourself another newspaper.'_

_That discussion had been loud and every reporter in the city room had heard it. Regina had asked him out 'for drinks' and they'd been seeing each other irregularly for the past 2 months. She had vowed to help him find his heart again and it seemed to be working. What wasn't working was Rook's relationship with Nikki. The more 'heart' he found, the less time he had for her. She was here tonight to get to confront him about Regina and end the shadow relationship._

_Nikki longed for a cigarette but popped a lozenge of nicotine gum instead and chewed viciously. It just wasn't the same thing. It was satisfying. It suppressed the craving but didn't provide any of the comfort she derived from an actual cigarette. It was like – _

_She heard the elevator 'ding' and straightened up, wrapping the gum in a tissue and stuffing it into her shoulder bag._

_He got off the elevator but he wasn't alone. Regina was with him, an arm around his waist and her face pressed into his chest as she laughed at something he said. Nikki had never been in his apartment even though he'd asked her over several times for dinner. But he brought her here?_

_When Rook saw her standing there he immediately felt guilty but quashed the guilt. He had no reason to feel guilty. She'd made things crystal clear to him._

'_Rookie, I like you a lot but I can't love you, not like you want me to. You're my best friend, Rookie, and that's enough for me and that's all it's ever going to be.'_

"_Something you needed, Detective?" Regina looked Nikki over and then dismissed her as a threat. Rook had told her all about Nikki Heat and his decision to stop shadowing her and why. It took a big man to admit to something so corny as a broken heart._

"_You. I need you." The short blonde whispered that she'd take a 'rain check on that drink' and pulled away from Rook and walked back to the elevator. He told her that he was done with Nikki Heat and she was patient. _

_When Rook didn't speak, she pressed on._

"_I need a cigarette, Jamie. Gum is a poor substitute for the real thing. I realize that now. I need the real thing."_

_Metaphors. She was talking in metaphors. His reply was couched in the same terms._

"_There are any number of bodegas that will be glad to see you again and will be more than willing to sell you a pack. I quit smoking. It's bad for my heart. If there's nothing else…" he said, raising an eyebrow. His blue eyes bored into hers like lasers and she looked away, unable to meet his eyes._

_Rook turned away from her, fished his keys from his pocket and opened his apartment door. "Goodbye, Detective Heat." The sound of the door closing and then the lock turning set her off._

_She banged on his door and announced, "NYPD. Open the damned door. Jameson Rook, you're under arrest…"_

_The door flew open and he stared at her in angry disbelief. "You're not going to pull that shit in my damned hallway. Who the hell do you think you are – "_

_Nikki pushed past him, fumbling for her handcuffs. "Jameson Rook, you're under arrest! Put your hands behind your back and turn around!"_

_She spun him around and grabbed a wrist and slapped on the cuff and reached for the other wrist but he spun himself around and barked, "Arrest? You're nuts, Heat. On what charge?"_

"_Aggravated dumbass. Now, turn around." He turned around and she wrapped the cuff around his other wrist and then pushed him back into his living room and kicked the door shut with her boot._

"_Sit down, Jamie, and I'll lay out my case." Her voice was soft and carried an undertone of pleading so he sat down on his couch and watched her fidget. _

"_I tried to quit smoking but I'm addicted. I chew nicotine gum but it's not the same and it leaves a really bad taste in my mouth so I spit it out and try another brand but it's not the same. I want a cigarette, Jamie. I want the real thing that's warm in my mouth and fills me up with contentment. I'm trying to say…"_

_She stopped speaking and looked at him. He was still and for Jameson Rook to be still meant that he was running what she'd said through his mind, turning it over and over, looking for hidden meanings other than the obvious one._

_She walked over and straddled him, careful not to push him back against the leather couch. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her forehead against his and closed her eyes. Her voice had a dreamy quality to it when she finally spoke, softly and sincerely._

"_You're my cigarette, Jamie Rook. You give me what I need and desperately want. Afterwards, I'm filled with contentment. You comfort me like nothing else can. I'm tired of other bodegas. Jamie, I…"_

_Rook had never seen her cry before. Not once in all the time he'd spent shadowing her. And yet here she was, tears running down her cheeks, metaphorically begging him to…_

"_Nikki, if we're going to do this, it means you can't ever quit smoking and you can never try another brand. It – shit, woman, enough with the damned metaphors. Tell me what you really mean."_

"_I want more. I want more than 'friends with benefits'. I want my best friend back because I love him and need him and no one else. I love you, Jamie Rook, and God help me, but I want to marry you. Is that plain eno_

"Kate, are you okay? What's wrong? Why are you crying? Is it about the guys on the ship seeing you – "

"No, Rick, it's about all the things you put up with before we got together. It's about me realizing how much you mean to me. It's all about Nikki Heat finally telling Jamie how she really feels in her own words."

"Kate, I don't understand – "

"That's not important. What's important is that I do, finally. I love you, Richard Castle. You're my Jamie Rook and I'm your Nikki Heat and I'm happy with it."

"Here. I'm going up on deck. Read about us in Nikki's own words."

End

A/N: I'm finished with this. I'll let you figure out where they end up in your own mind.

OM


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